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Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!


Aug 17, 2009 @ 9:59 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
FUNGUY007


Posts: 38
Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she ca
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Aug 20, 2009 @ 4:56 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
Guiltless


Posts: 328
well thoughtout and accurate. Nice job Funguy007.
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Sep 25, 2009 @ 5:05 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
AliciaAnn20


Posts: 14
This is absolutely amazing and 100% accurate. I just love #18. I hate it when guys do that. It Just makes it seem like all he cares about is cumming. So not hot.
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Oct 9, 2009 @ 2:58 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
carlos2342


Posts: 90
Who are you doctor phil?
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Oct 19, 2009 @ 5:31 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
ladykendra


Posts: 620
good tips . things all guys should take note of.
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Oct 21, 2009 @ 12:52 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
carlos2342


Posts: 90
All above are fairly common sense, I add one thing for all you Casanovas, ask her if she has any complaints a while after her sexual encounter with you, but not too long after. This is the best way to derive any of these issues, and if she is blunt and straight forward with you with her dislikes, do not get an attiude, change to please your women where it needest be. Asking for feedback is a great way to solve minor problems before they become disasters down the road, do not be afraid to ask, and women be open. If more feedback was given and taken without a grain of salt, the above list, would not need to be posted, but rather be that of common knowledge for most.
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Oct 28, 2009 @ 5:35 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
drcocktail87


Posts: 272
carlos2342


Posts: 63 so I tried gay sex today, never tried it was bicurious, let me just say one thing, the guy was into me totally he thought I was hot, because I am, but regardless, I am so traumatized and will never try that again, I'm struggling to even eat now. I always say try things just once, I know I am not bisexual, I am straight, I'm having bad flashbacks in my head still like I just left a war zone.



Maybe you didn't take your own advice 'carly' and discuss what traumitized you. Denial is no good, you have to embrace your sexuality. Now go back to him 'carly' and don't let this stop you from ruining what you want.

[Edited on 10/28/2009 5:42 PM]
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Mar 30, 2010 @ 8:16 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
Luv2Laugh2


Posts: 450
I like the way you stated #9! And the comparison in #25 is way too true. Makes me gag thinking about it. If she can't tell when you are about to shoot, tell her so she can decide what she wants to do with it. We each have our own ways of dealing with it, whether we spit, swallow or do something more creative with it.
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Mar 31, 2010 @ 1:01 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
PetePuma


Posts: 149
Good info. I’m usually very conscientious of my lover’s experience but I did pick up a few tips. I’ve been guilty of #17 a lot. I often leave my socks on. LOL. Ladies, is that really that bad?

Regarding #3, as much as I’m addicted to eating pussy, I never ever ever go down on a woman unless my face is smoothly shaven. I’m obsessive compulsive and I worry that irritating stubble burn will ruin her experience. I’ve told women that I’m dying to eat them out but my face is like 40 grit sandpaper. Often they’ll offer me one of their disposable razors, but I prefer if they have Nair or some other similar product that I can wash my face with. Ladies razors must be designed differently than men’s because they chop my face all up.

A few additional tips:

Wash your face and hands. You’re down there to eat her out, not share with her everything that you’ve come in contact with that day.

Brush, floss and rinse with mouthwash. Not only will she appreciate your fresh breath, but the last thing you want to do is introduce harmful food particles into her urethra and bladder. You’ve got more bacteria in your mouth that she has in her pussy (assuming she’s healthy and practices good hygiene). Help keep her pussy healthy and her pussy will always welcome you.

Trim your fingernails and smooth them with a fine emory board. Also run that emory board around your fingers and any other rough spots on your hands.

DO NOT EVER put anything inside her that is not washed clean, will fall apart, disintegrate, get lodged or lost, or otherwise harm her. I love using thoroughly washed penis shaped vegetables (such as carrots) as a sex toy on her and eating it afterward. But peeled bananas, popsicles, pretzel sticks and whatnot are a NO NO!!!. Sugary and milk products can increase her likelihood of developing a yeast infection.

Remember to make a lot of eye contact.

Don’t forget sensual pillow talk. Everything you say and do should be to make her feel loved, beautiful and desired.

And no double standards allowed. Don't expect her to do something that you wouldn't do.

[Edited on 3/31/2010 1:08 PM]
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Mar 31, 2010 @ 10:33 PM Fail in Bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!    
Luv2Laugh2


Posts: 450
Thanks for the addition, Pete! I have one more to add (although our posts aren't jokes). Please, guys, don't EVER go from ass to pussy with ANYTHING, not your finger, a toy, your cock...NOTHING! You'd just be setting her up for a trip to the gyno and I'm sure it isn't anything you want to get too close to.
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