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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 4:01 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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Dominus
Posts: 511
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There are so many delightful authors out there. Classic writers like Jerome K. Jerome and P.G. Wodehouse. Romantic authors like Lord Byron and Mary Shelley. Cantankerous writers that give poison pen a new meaning, like Twain and Woolf. However, even those wonderful scribblers had a bad day. Even the combined works of Shakespeare not only contains the dogs of war, but a few real dogs when it comes to writing.
On the other hand, some writers are just awful all of the time. For example, it's widely accepted that the movies of Ed Wood Jr. have some of the worst scripts ever conceived (let alone acted) and the poetry of William Topaz McGonegall is arguably the worst thing anyone has ever done with words. For example:
Beautiful city of Edinburgh, most wonderful to be seen,
With your ancient palace of Holyrood and Queen's Park
Green,
And your big, magnificent, elegant New College,
Where people from all nations can be taught knowledge.
The New College of Edinburgh is certainly very grand
Which I consider to be an honour to fair Scotland,
Because it's the biggest in the world, without ant doubt,
And is most beautiful in the inside as well as out.
And as for Braidhill, it's a very romantic spot,
But a fine place to visit when the weather is hot;
There the air is nice and cool, which will help to drive
away sorrow
When ye view from its summit the beautiful city of
Edinburgh.
There's a lot more, but I'll spare you. He seems to plow on, ignoring all economy of words and dispensing with meter altogether in favor of just finding two words that kind-of rhyme.
But for those of you aware of it, there's another sort of bad writing, and that is sponsored by the Bulwer-Lytton contest. Named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (another of the worst writers of all time) the contest is to see who can generate the worst opening sentence to a fiction novel. Here's a fine example from 1987:
The notes blatted skyward as the sun rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel nature's maxim, 'ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
I can barely begin to count the bad choices there. But that's the real point. It takes a very good author to write something bad on purpose. It's no surprise this was one of the contest winners.
While I highly recommend their website (www.bulwer-lytton.com) and books for the entertainment value alone, I'd like to propose a similar AMD contest. The Bad Adult Fiction Author's Workshop (or BAFAW, if you like.) Write a sentence or two. Write a poem. Write short scene for a play. Here's some guidelines, though:
>Keep it to about 500 words or less...a good author should be able to do enough damage with that.
>It has to be an adult (ie, erotic or sexual) themed topic.
>Stay away from themes that are illegal (pedophelia, etc.)
>Besides that, try to use writing skill rather than sophomoric tactics. Anyone can load up on the gross-out jokes and obscenities. Show that you can use those to your best advantage and prove what kind of author you are!
I'm starting things off with the follow-up below. Good luck!
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 4:02 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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Dominus
Posts: 511
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“Heave, ho! Heave, ho! Heave, ho!” bellowed the swarthy boatswain, commanding the sailors he was commanding to follow his commands and raise the sails; though unaware was he of how true his words were – for he would soon realize the whole crew had been replaced by female prostitutes in drag!
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 5:12 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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ponme
Posts: 1,929
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"Let me!", said he.
"No way!", said she.
"Oh do!", his sad reply.
"I'm not able.",said she.
"It's a fable.", said he.
"No a foible', said she, 'Here's why!"
"I did once!", said she.
"Not with me!", cried he.
"But he left me a gift that keeps giving!"
It ain't much but poetry's a living.
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 5:38 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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St4rFux0r3r
Posts: 8
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I met a girl from county Cork who
Worked down at ye pub serving brew
But besides selling ale
She sold her wee tail
And was known as the County Cork Screw!
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 7:58 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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sundance64
Posts: 1,572
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Waking up slowly, she turns on her side and opens her eyes...only to realize she's not alone! Oh my god...what have I done! I don't remember bringing him home with me! Where did he come from and what is he doing in my bed?? She gazes around, trying not to wake him. Is he dangerous? Will he hurt me? He's kind of cute, long blond hair and what could be big soulful eyes...large muscular frame. He's lying there with his mouth slightly open, his breath slow and steady in sleep. Should she call someone?? Suddenly, he moves...opens his eyes and jumps up to lick her...and she remembers.
She gave her neighbor her key so they could drop off their retriever for her to dog-sit!
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 8:07 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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DarkKnightWalking
Posts: 577
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But soft, what fart Yon window breaks
To the East, blotting out the sun...
There is a stench...
And Juliet tis the one....
Ok ok, Just a quick one, but between Your challenge and Canu's "Facetious Challenge" blog, you all are workin my pea brain some, most definitely. I just finished his (have a look  ) so give me a few to reorganize, and perhaps replace a few fuses in this twisted brain, muah...
Schwarzenegger Voice*
I'll be back....
*****************EDIT*****************
Ok, I'm baaaack........
It's alive, ALIVE, I tell you....
OK, you asked for it..................
As the vanilla pudding moons of her derriere rose up into my feverish eyebeams, my steel girder began to rise like some twisted monument to sexy stuff. Her squeals of delight soon gave way to the truest nature of my knee on top her hair.
Soonly fixing that, I one more time stared down at her femininely jello consistencied delight all wiggling and weebling before me as she peered back across her shoulder, bidding me to begin by indicating her needs thusly..."Hurry up, Damn you. Survivors on in 30."
Sensing her urgency, I strove to please by sallying forth upon her womanly parts. However as my girder was angled a bit too high, I was astonished for her revelations that she was part oriental, as she soon began to speak in a very high pitched voice, "WONGHO! WONGHO!!" However she quickly made her true notions clear by assisting my girder in its retreat by yanking upon his two little brothers below him at quite a rapid speed. Thus finally getting her true needs in proper focus (once my eyebeams stopped watering), once more into the breech did my shining pink lance again attack the object of such distraction. My warlike intrusions were soon rewarded by a grunt and a thump as her lovely face hit the headboard from the impact, and she spoke in the most wondrous levels of thanks by her gritting of teeth and deathlike glance upon my personage.
Once I was securely plugged in like a 220 socket, I spent no time to lose in starting a limping gait designed to bring nothing but the extremists of pleasure to my most important person...me. I was also rewarded by her thanks for my work by her exclaiming in the softest of tones the worst vile epithets her pretty mouth could muster. I was so flattered I drew flatulence in reply. Using my most powerful weaponry of distracting myself from exploding my laser gun spew way too soon, I began to play the stock market in my skullcap. I was again rewarded for my workings by another round of epithets when I got too energized about it and began yelling "SELL!! SELL!!"
But same as hooked on phonics worked for me, so also did the distracting noise of the ticker tape, and I made it a full thirty two seconds past my usual time of five minutes flat. She was so kind, she assisted me in taking away any more distractions by dressing at a radar gun rate of speed and finding her purse. I will never forget her parting words to me....
"That'll be fifty bucks."
[Edited on 10/17/2006 8:38 PM]
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 8:51 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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sundance64
Posts: 1,572
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Ok...you guys are awesome writers!!!
DarkKnight...the song is great! 
**dipping her erotical pen in the ink well...inspiration abounds!!**
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| Oct 17, 2006 @ 10:03 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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Dominus
Posts: 511
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But soft, what fart Yon window breaks
To the East, blotting out the sun...
There is a stench...
And Juliet tis the one....
Kurt Vonnegut has a great story in his book "Jailbird" about how a guy has a song stuck in his head, and every so often he claps three times...because that's the way the song ends:
Sally in the garden
sifting cinders,
lifted up her leg
and farted like a man.
The busting of her bloomers
broke fifteen windows.
The cheeks of her ass went:
CLAP CLAP CLAP.
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 3:52 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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canuhelpme258
Posts: 3,356
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Dear Sex Talk Forums,
I never thought that this would happen to me, i always thought these letters were fake until last week end! First just let me start out by saying I'm a natural blande, 5'4" tall and 112 lbs. I have well shaped legs, perky little tits with great big nerps on them. I went camping and fishing last weekend with my friend sally, but to keep her identity secret let's call her Amy. Any way sall.. oops Amy is 5' 7" of pure sex appeal. I'm not a lesbian or even consider myself bi, but I have always wanted to get my face full of her honey pot. She's a busty brunette with a beautiful set of hooters and an ass you'd just want to bite.
After we set up camp, we tried our hand at fishing, but we couldn't get a single bite, we decided to just go hit the communal showers. I couldn't help but feel the walls of my sugar tunnel getting slick at the thought of seeing her naked. While we we're showering I could not keep my eyes off her chesticals and just wanted to roll her chest berries around with my tongue. I think she noticed me looking too.
Later that night we made beautiful love by sticking our tonguues in each other's shitters and crammming a huge plastic cock into each other. It was magical, purely a kodac moment. To bad the only fish we caught was pink snapper.
Name with held by request
Cahoots Texas
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 4:37 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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DarkKnightWalking
Posts: 577
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Canu, I bow before your skills and talents...
*Sweeping Bow*
*Then flips his dress up and runs like Hell*
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 4:38 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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canuhelpme258
Posts: 3,356
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Jokes on you... I'm naked today 
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 4:40 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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sundance64
Posts: 1,572
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no wonder your so hard to hold down...
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 4:40 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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canuhelpme258
Posts: 3,356
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I got to get my post numbers back up... I'm slippin'
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 4:42 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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DarkKnightWalking
Posts: 577
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Nekkid....?
Oh fuckkkkk.......lemme move, quick....
*Jumps out of the way of the stampede*
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 4:47 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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sundance64
Posts: 1,572
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*Jumps out of the way of the stampede* y
Yea...stand right there in front of me so I don't git run over...
**sunny smokin again...offerin ta share with DarkKnight... watchin the stampede**
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 8:09 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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cutecarrie6969
Posts: 6
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Come hither unto mine vestal box mine viral, young vassalage of a rippling, hunkified studmuffin. Maketh my vessel quiver with unrequited anticipation as you prepare to ploweth me forth in thine chamber of stuff like hot sex. My gaping honeypot dothly is in bad need of your magically delicious touch.
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| Oct 19, 2006 @ 11:06 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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DarkKnightWalking
Posts: 577
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Thanks, Sunny...
*Fires up a Marlboro*
Uh OH....*coff coff coff* that wuddn't a Marlboro.....
One a them thar Martian Cigarettes....
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| Oct 20, 2006 @ 12:14 AM |
Bad, bad language... |
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canuhelpme258
Posts: 3,356
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Decided to stick with the classics.... Penthouse Forums is a treasure trove of literature!
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| Oct 20, 2006 @ 12:31 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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ponme
Posts: 1,929
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The forum throne sits empty,
the king has lost his crown.
Looks like too much of a good thing,
really can drag you down.
It wasn't a war on the home front,
but a battle of major proportions,
took place via inbox and outbox
and forum post overt contortions.
It seems that the royal concubines
decided to compare royal orders
when they found that he'd gone down the friends list
our poor king made a run for the border.
So, remember the tale of king Nooner,
when your harem you're tying to grow.
Don't go down the friends list, girls do talk
Ain't that a tweak to the royal blue nose?
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| Oct 20, 2006 @ 2:23 PM |
Bad, bad language... |
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ynot7769
Posts: 17,320
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ponme .......THAT my friend is da' bomb!!!!
siskel n ebert.... 
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page:
<<
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5
6
7
8
9
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of 3 pages
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< previous page | next page >
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