Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
HEY, ANYBODY GOT A 'CUFF KEY ON THEM?
I like to spend quiet evenings at home in front of the fire with someone special. The scene is romatic; soft music playing, both of us dressed in Gestapo uniforms, the gentle, muffled screams of our new playmate we found at the truck stop filling us with joy, foreshadowinig the fun to come. Quiet nights at home rule!
I also like walking through quiet residential neighborhoods on moonlit nights, holding hands, casing homes we'll break into later.
There's nothing like a bottle of cheap gin and several sheets of bubble wrap to chase those blues away. I enjoy dining out, going to movies, and random acts of vandalism. An arrest is not a conviction. My invisible friends say I'm cheerful, upbeat, and outgoing.
I don't care how much money a woman makes, as long as it's enough to support me.
I really enjoy sex. I'm looking forward to seeing what it's like when another person is involved.
I like going to foreign film theatres, and yelling out the dialogue I think would be appropriate.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but there's a lot of fun you can have with two wrongs.
Who knew I'd be able to take all the things I learned in prison, and use them in my carnival career. Things just keep getting better.
I enjoy collecting bits of string, and gravel. I find that generally people are happier when they have a hobby. What's yours?
Nothing says, "I love you" more than the gift of guns.
Whenever I feel scared or alone, I like to sit still, relaxing and clearing my mind, breathing deeply, and then having a good cry.
I can't make up my mind whether I'm a boxer or tighty-whiteys guy. Sometimes I just say screw it, and wear both.
My favorite kind of car is the kind that has the key left carelessly in the ignition.
I like to play mailbox baseball subsituting automatic weapons for the bat.
What about you?
The person I would like to meet
I'm looking for a woman who appreciates the simple things in life; cheap booze, loud music, and a good attorney. Someone with a short memory and low self-esteem.
A girl like the girl that married dear old Dad. Whoever HE is.
Someone to share my hopes and dreams with, even if they're gross and scary. That heals easily. Preferably with no immediate family or friends.
I want a woman who knows what she wants from life, realizes she'll never get it, and is willing to settle for second best. If you're a druggie, have a problem with alcohol, or only think of yourself...hit me up!
I like someone who feels just as comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt as she does cleaning a fresh animal carcass in a camouflage bikini.
Being able to blow milk out of your tear duct is a definite plus.
Someone to bait my hook. I'll explain what that means later.
I enjoy women who are free-spirited and strong. That's code for: "High Pain Threshold" I believe that love is blind, so it doesn't matter if I blindfold you. Honest. Says so in the Bible. Look it up.
If she enjoys playing XBox 360 for hours on end and watching sports on TV, that's a plus. And playing foosball.
I want her to enjoy a wide variety of music, as long as it's played by someone using a 100-watt Marshal head with 2 matching 4x12 cabinets.
Where are you my darling? Prison? A mental ward? Passed out in an alley, five blocks away? Try me, I'm very open-minded. It helps if you wired a bunch of money to the Caymans before your arrest/breakdown.
I don't want someone just to do housework for me. I want someone who knows how to mow loans, and do exterior work too.
Someone who can look me straight in the eye, and say "Baby, that was the best ever. I mean it," and not laugh.
If you've only got enough for a one-night stand, we can work something out. I take payment plans.
About my work
I'm the circuit Executioner of some small villages for the crown. My life is a lonely journey on mules (works better with the added weight of my axe and headgear than a horse), trodding endless dirt highways, only to have people get mad at me for just doing my job.
If you knew how many times I've had to hear, "Don't kill Daddy! Mummy died in the plague, and 'es all I've got!," you'd go nuts. Well boy, tell your next Daddy not to shoot deer in the King's forest. You'd think after a few heads rolled down mainstreet, they'd get the point, but no-o-o-o-o-o. Sigh.
And don't get me started about the clothes. You know how hard it is to get blood out of your favorite leather bodice? I've heard Sir William of Bath had something that would help, but he drank himself to death before I got a chance to meet him.
So I like just about anything that doesn't involve blood spurting all over me, or hearing the screams of the damned and dying ringing in my ears. It's gotten so bad, I have to eat everything well-done.
My nerves are shot. All my ex-wife ever did was complain about the time away. She never asked me about my feelings. I'd come home, and listen to her complain about how hard it was to take care of the house while I was gone.
After listening to her for an hour or two, I'd try telling her about my day, like, "Oh me, what a day. Forgot to sharpen the axe after the last one. It was like chopping wood." But she didn't listen...never seemed to care...
Some days I wish I was a simple fuedal farmer. I would welcome a backache from planting or harvesting, instead of severing people's spinal cords all day. It's just not fun anymore.
I'd like to find a job where I could use more of my "people" skills.
Someday I'll finish my novel, and I'd like to produce an off-Broadway musical version of the Marquis de Sade's "150 Days of Sodom."
What do you like to do for fun/hobbies?
Binge drinking. Abuse over-the-counter allergy medication. Making almost anything you can imagine out of a bar of soap. (Prison was better than the boy scouts!)
I like shopping at Victoria's Secret alone, grabbing an armful to teddies, and asking a salesperson where the dressing room is.
I enjoy volunteering at the local country club. Driving fast down two lane blacktops, shooting my .357 at road signs, or as I like to call them "shooting clays." Calling my friends, and reading aloud the ingredients of Captain Crunch as my message. In my Sean Connery voice.
Answering the door to solicitors and religeous folks stark naked. I ask the salespeople in, and tell them I'm much more open to sales pitches from people who aren't wearing any clothes because it makes their aura easier to see.
I always ask the religeous folks to come back later, after the ritual sacrifice is over, while I keep nervously looking over my shoulder.
Asking girl scouts if they can front me the money for the cookies until my disability check comes in. Then I tell them that most people are so busy these days, they almost never notice if you overbill them. No one is going to do anything to a little girl wearing a green uniform. Then I give them a pack of cigarettes.
Carrying around a tube of super glue can provide hours of entertainment when used properly. It can provide days of entertainment when it's not.
I complain about having to re-load the dishwasher, but secretly, I enjoy it.
Almost anything on TV is really cool if you turn the sound off and put on Black Sabbath's first album.
If I drank, I'd watch the Hannity Report and chug something everytime he said "socialism."
I like to hang around elementary playgrounds, handing out pirated copies of The Three Stooges DVD's, and tell the kids to try it at home.
My idea of a great date
No arrests=good time. It would begin with you picking me up at my house. By date time, I'll be w-a-a-a-y gone on Sloe gin and Kool-Aid. Just come on in. The door is usually open. If not, knock real loud. Sometimes we play the music really loud.
Oh, and if my roommates look at you kind of funny or laugh or anything, it's because I told them we had sex. It's okay, they're cool. Anyway, I should be ready in a little while. I just need to find a clean shirt. Hey, since you're over there by the sink, could you put those dishes in the dishwasher?
Okay, so then after you've cleaned the kitchen, we get in your car. Do you mind if we stop by my friend Robbie's house? No, it's not too far. If you take the expressway, it shouldn't take us more than 10-15 minutes. Cool.
Wow. I didn't know they were working on his exit. All things considered though, I think we made pretty good time on the detour route. No, that's okay. You can stay here. I'll be back in just a second. Lock your doors though.
Whew! Sorry it took so long. Robbie was in the shower. He is one crazy dude man! Let's get some grub!
By this time, I feel like we've known each other forever. What was your name again? Oh yeah, that's right! I'm thinking of pulling out all the stops tonight...maybe something like Chili's or TGI Fridays. That's right, I said it!
Hey, um, Robbie didn't have that money he owed me. Since this is our first date, can we just go dutch? Actually, if you cover me tonight, I can pay you back on Tuesday.
Man, who'd have thought those appetizers and super-sized Special-of-the-Day drinks would add up to that! Are you sure that's right? I wasn't counting on it being that much. Oh well. We'll just make the best of it. You mind getting the tip?
Now, it's on to your place. All my roomies are home tonight. I can tell you're into me already.
If you are divorced/widower, you can talk about how that happened here.
If I remember correctly, there was an attorney, a judge, and a bunch of paperwork. Yes...it's all coming back to me now. That's how it happened.
What is your fantasy vacation?
It involves chariots, slaves, and elephants. Possibly some gladiators. And a water slide. And a monkey. And an opium field.
What is your academic background?
Sketchy, at best. They never taught us much in juvie. I was able to get my GED in the state prison though. I'm going through some University of Phoenix online brochures now. I'd like to move there, open up a gun store, and call the cops everytime I saw someone giving me the "Mexican Eye." You know what I mean. You can even tell them by their shoes. That's what the chief of police said. It's in the Bible. Look it up.
Where did you last vacation and did you like it?
Chicago. I love Chicago. I'd like to go for a few weeks and take in all the sights and architecture. Maybe roll some drunks. Find a crack-dealing poet, and make a bad documentary. I enjoy riding the El around and round, staring at the people who are riding it.
I could spend days at Shedd Aquarium with my forehead on the glass of the lower level porpoise viewing area, pretending I'm in a little miniature submarine, and they are sea monsters.
I like going to the cafeteria area, and asking if they have any fresh sushi. I like to take pictures of people taking pictures of the fish. I always inquire if they carry fillet knives and fresh bait in the gift shop while wearing a Bass Pro Shops ballcap.
I like to go to Cubs games, and shout "Go Sox!" at the top of my lungs. While wearing a Cardinals T-shirt.
I'm going to a lake in Wisconson to spend some time with some folks and their kids. I'm going to take my guitar, and encourage to go out an enjoy their time there, while I sit in the cabine and strum by myself. When I'm not fishing.
What do you find attractive in people?
An ability to think "outside the box," and the ability to keep quiet when they're locked inside it. Someone who really knows how to breath through their nose. A lot.
I like people who are strong-willed, but slightly mis-guided. They're more fun that way.
I like to watch sunsets with people who can imagine it turning into a big mushroom cloud with me.
Having the ability to look beyond their everyday world, and see the special little fantasy world that I do. Well, maybe without the chains and orcs.
Someone who has the instincts to be a good lookout for me when I get new rolls of round stickers with a picture of a screw on it. Then we go to a parking lot, and put those over all the "heart" bumper stickers we see. My favorite? "I (heart) My Honor Student Son."
A person who knows not to say anything until you've talked to your attorney.
I enjoy people who are into crafts. Like witchcraft. Also, anyone who knows how to build a flying saucer or a time machine would be bitchin'.
People who appreciate music. Like Motorhead.
Someone who appreciates each and every day, and belives in living fast, dying young, and leaving a good-looking corpse.
The ability to shoot semi-automatic and fully automatic firearms accurately, and can handle a sawed-off shotgun for close-in work.
And finally, the most important thing I find attractive in people: Unimaginable Wealth.
What do others do that irritate you?
Sometimes, just the fact that they're breathing. Depends on the person.
Taking my parking spot. People who can't think in two universes at the same time.
People who don't like the movie "Casablanca." Snotty, stuck-up yuppies that say they LOVE "Casablanca." Yuppies in general.
Vote Republican. I do however appreciate their general attitude of just pissing people off, and not making any sense. We're kindred spirits in that sense.
People who refuse to acknowledge "National Talk Like a Pirate Day" as a legitimite holiday. Hey, I'm tolerant. You have your beliefs, I have mine.
Root for the Cowboys. Or The Yankees. I can stand Cubs fans though, because at least they're intelligent enough and funny enough to make saying bad things about each other's mothers entertaining.
Tattle tails. No one needs to know there's a camera in there. What's your problem?
Waiters who say, "Enjoy!' after they've served, but don't really mean it. And "flair." I hate "flair."
Cabbies who bitch about the large duffel bag in the back, and the blood all over the set and floor. Why he hell do you think I handed you two C-notes when I got in?
Women who are allergic to leather. Or latex.
People who want you to mow the fucking lawn when it's gorgeous outside.
Anyone who is on the Texas Board of Education.
Drink the last diet soda.
People taking me seriously.
People who don't take me seriously when I'm really needing help, like bleeding to death or can't figure out how to work the remote.
Constantly playing with your iPhone, assuring me that your listening, and then saying, "Hungh?"
What do you think is your best quality?
The ability and the willingness to approach each and every task I'm given in a mediocre fashion, and the dogged determination to take as long as humanly possible to complete it.
I can take a batch of lemons, and try and juggle them.
There is no limit to the lengths I'm willing to go to to protect the people I hold dear in life. Or secrets that could get me subpeonaed.
What one thing would you change about your personality if you could?
One thing? ONE THING? That's like going to a ball bearing factory, and telling them you're only interested in the ones that are round.
I wouldn't be so obsessive/compusive about tiddlywinks.
I'd also say what's really on my mind to people more often, and stop being so polite to people who are going to continue to be impolite as long as they live, no matter how nice I am to them. And wishing secretly that they would die. Screaming.
I would stop impulsively chasing cars.
I would stop calling people I don't know "Earthling."
I'd give myself the ability to act like a hot-headed jerk-off, so more women would be drawn to me.
I'd also like to be able to stop talking about what all the voices in my head say to me to people waiting at the bus stop. Of course I usually get the bench to myself that way.
I would make the effort to spend more time with people I love. And I will, too. As soon as the restraining orders expire.
I would stop walking up to cop cars, and asking them if they have a breathylizer I could use, because I just got paged to the O.R.
I love spending time outdoors, but this obsession of sleeping under highway overpasses has got to stop.
I enjoy sitting in the gallery of traffic court with a sack lunch. l like looking disapprovingly at the people as they walk out of court, making clucking sounds, while shaking my head.
What one question would you want answered in an initial email from another member?
Are you 18 or over? Have you ever met Lemmy?
Describe your physique.
Middle-American with classic influences.
What do you do well sexually?
Two words: Tongue. Unconsciousness.
What is the favorite thing you like sexually done to you?
Oh, I don't know...role playing with sexy outfits. Nurse uniforms, French Maid stuff, expensive lingerie...and something for YOU too!
What fantasy(s) are you still waiting to experience?
Marrying a beautiful woman who is filthy rich without a pre-nuptual agreement. And something terminal.
What fantasy(s) have you already experienced?
Oh, nothing really weird or over the top. If you're a sociopath from Juarez.
I can't really talk about it until I find out if the statute of limitations begins with the act, or from the time the act is discovered.
Do you have any STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)?
Do depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'm constantly being followed by elves count?
Are you looking for a one night stand, to play for a while, or a long-term Adult relationship?
Sure! I'm mainly into one night stands where we role play we're married, and then act like we don't know each other the next morning. I think if you do that five nighst in a row in most states, it means you're legally married.
Free Space. Say anything you want!
One thing I have sworn to myself is that I will never take myself or the world too seriously, to the point where I can't sit back and laugh at the whole mess. The day I do that, I won't be living anymore, I'll just be existing.
I'm looking for someone who doesn't want to spend the rest of their life being serious, unless it's absolutely necessary.
I don't mind the woman wearing the pants in the family, as long as they're form-fitting, and that nice blood-maroon color, or black.
I think men and women are created equal. Well...almost. I do make sure my woman has .38 specials in her wheel gun instead of really hot .357 loads when it's her turn to go check on strange noises outside the house. Snub-noses kick like hell.
I like women who aren't afraid to tell me what they're honestly thinking and feeling. Unless it's something that will make me uncomfortable, or I'm watching something really good on TV.
I'm not sure if I want to have more children really, but if I do, I'm using the "kennel" method this time.
I like women who are as comfortable in blue jeans and a T-shirt as they are in $500 worth of lingerie and heels.
And last but not least, I'm looking for someone who wants to live in the here and now, and thinks about the future enough to make sure it's fun.
*WARNING* AdultMatchdoctor does not screen its members. It is very important that you read our safety warning before you communicate with any of our members.
Profiles from Non-English speaking countries have their own special section on the safety warning page,
make sure to read it if you are responding to such profiles!
*18 U.S.C. 2257* This website is exempt from 18 U.S.C. 2257. This website does not produce visual depictions of actual sexual conduct, but
is a mere hosting service/distributor of classified dating ads that may contain such photos submitted by our members. Read more here.