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brought 2 u by the letters t, h & c...
happily married - magically delicious - digitally remastered - morally bankrupt - devilishly chocolate - remarkably astute - hickory smoked - freshly squeezed - always open - cutting edge - impact resistant - explicitly described - highly trained - cracked back - pre ordered - widely distributed - charcoal filtered - freeze dried - sun baked - honey roasted - often oblique - viciously circled - double jointed - openly straight - individually wrapped - thoroughly enjoyable - obviously stoned - boldly gone - instrumentally unplugged - exceedingly patient - casually speaking - horribly awry - ultra modern - pre fabricated - post apocalyptic - low mileage - stress reducing - fat burning - cleavage worshipping - nipple piercing (not yet...but?) - hard drinking - soft touching - whiskey addled - gin soaked - rum drunken - amazingly fortunate - excessively medicated - safety tested - insanely logical - extremely disturbed - brightly colored - hand blown - computer animated - otherwise signifigant - factory sealed - deliriously miserable - over budget - under construction - mostly sunny - borderline psychotic - delightfully witty - outwardly introspective - freakishly large - closely monitored - justifiably paranoid - privately funded - widely rumored - appropriately reverent - easily confused - overly dramatic - enviromentally safe - rent free - wicked tolerant - domestically trained - terribly cute - economically decadent - slightly askew - naturally synthetic - regularly misquoted - unexpectedly intelligent - independently studied - convienently located - ethnically challenged - deceptively clever - poorly imitated - maliciously procecuted - generally admitted - silently partnered - scantily clad - chronically intoxicated - reasonably priced
The person I would like to meet
someone who possesses a great sense of humor and has the willingness 2 laugh at oneself, as i will be making fun of u constantly - someone who doesn't believe in global warming becuz dumb girls are easier 2 fuck - someone not all caught up in appearances and status symbols, but interested in the shit that really matters like whether or not u hate me and where the hell is the tv guide - someone who finds multiple felony convictions 2 be a HUGE turn-on - someone open-minded and willing 2 experiment, but not insane and trying 2 kill me - someone who is attached, as i am happily married and have no plans 2 change that anytime soon (despite reports 2 the contrary), but i will consider intelligent singles who provide me with either a naked photo or a cash deposit - someone who iz really a lot more interested in chatting and bsing on the computer than in meeting, but I might be convinced otherwise - someone interested in trading pics would be ok, so long as they are not trying 2 push off some shit they downloaded off the web as themselves. thats just cheesy - someone who enjoys me looking at her breasts as much as I enjoy looking at her breasts - someone whos outrageous behavior is tempered only by her complete lack of morals (no...i used it correctly...read it again.) - someone kind - someone talented - someone who thinks animals may think zoos suck if anyone thought 2 ask - someone interested in stopping the machine from chewing us up and spitting us out, or at the very least willing 2 acknowledge that there IS a machine and u WOULD do something about it if u had more time - if u can introduce me 2 a "little person" u run the risk of becoming my new best friend (Its not like I have a thing 4 midgets. why? do u know someone?) - if u are actually "working" right now, please do us both a favor and do not contact me unless u are seeking new management
About my work
i wonder about this question. a man's work isn't necessarily defined by his occupation. i mean sometimes a job is just a job, u know? shouldn't ur "work" be something that goes on beyond the boundaries of mere employment? something U are remembered for? something that forces the city council in the place u were born 2 put up one of those billboards outside town that says, "so and so that did such and such was born here"? besides, many people who have well-known bodies of work started their lives in completely different vocations. albert einstein was a patent clerk. mark wahlberg was the lead singer the funky bunch. nelson mandela was a guard. adolf hitler was an architect. i think we can all agree that none of these men's jobs had anything 2 do with their life's work (except maybe marky mark...funky bunch be coming back like a crackhead with his girlfriend's atm card, yo!), and yet they all made significant contributions 2 the course of human events (b4 u say anything - its about that time to bring forth the music and the rhyme Im gonna get mine so go get yours I wanna see sweat running out your pores - TELL ME THAT'S NOT ONE FUNKY WHITE BOY). so the measure of a man's work runs much deeper than where he happens 2 punch the clock day after day. a job is a freaking job, man...dime a dozen. u can get them, drop them, pick them up, find them and lose them. THEY GIVE JOBS 2 ILLEGAL ALIENS, MAN! if "having a job" was all that important would they just hand them out 2 our mortal enemies? i think not! but a man's work? a man's work...a man's work is his passion. its that fire down deep in his belly driving him 2 create something 2 paint something 2 build something 2 cure someting 2 WRITE SOMETHING FUCKING GREAT! thats what a man's work is...not motherfucking chevron! my work happens 2 be going fine. im working on it. its ok. i have a lot of time lately becuz im unemployed.
What do you like to do for fun/hobbies?
one of the lesser known problems associated with dissociative identity disorder is that no matter what is happening 2 me at any given time, at least one of my personalities is bound 2 be enjoying himself. so that makes fun kinda relative. not a kinda fun relative. i kinda don't have any fun relatives. NO I HAVENT HAD FUN WITH A RELATIVE! GOD NO! thats sick! what the hell is wrong with u people asking me a question like that? wait a minute, wait a minute...I see...weeding out the weirdos, huh? pretty clever there mister secret squirrel government agent hiding in the shadows monitoring everything posted everywhere flagging suspicious activities building files compiling lists keeping tabs on those deemed subversive or dangerous or criminal or revolutionary. those who might challenge the status quo raise the bar rock the boat pull back the curtain EXPOSE the wizard 4 the fraud he is and has been and will be and must be becuz of fundamental flaws in a design laid out by men long dead who were bound by the constraints of a moral code that died along with them. is that whats going on here? is this some program some social experiment some government think tank black op gone awry run amok out of fucking control trying 2 put the finger on anyone anywhere for anything. gotta make them quotas, boys! gotta keep them seats full. gotta maintain the illusion of freedom, lest the world realize the experiment has failed and freedom is the illusion itself. but the truth will not be silenced by the evil done 2 men. truth leaves deep prints wherever it goes and those who seek it may find it if they look hard enough or long enough or just enough 2 finally see that which has been sitting in front of them all along. truth will not be denied. so go ahead run my name check my prints sample my dna check me against ur federal no-fly lists am i the one? am i the one uve been looking 4?
My idea of a great date
If you are divorced/widower, you can talk about how that happened here.
i wuz in love with her 4 a very long time. sometimes i think i still could be, but no...i have done much better in the years since. besides, she never felt the same way 4 me as i did 4 her despite what she said. what she said rarely reflected what she actually did. no matter how much i loved her or how hard i tried i could never seem 2 make her believe me. after we broke up i found out how big the lie really was. i found out that she fucked EVERYBODY while we were 2gether. im not bullshitting. EVERYBODY. u probably fucked her. finally, i became tired of the constant bickering, as well as the never-ending accusations (this wuz how i learned that people who are guilty sometimes falsely accuse others), the staying out all night long. finally we parted ways and now we no longer speak. HOWEVER - that duznt mean i cant talk about her. fuck that bitch. do u know she fucking kidnapped my kid and dissapeared off the face of the planet 4 thirteen years? and then when i finally find my daughter and manage 2 locate a phone number 4 her this bitch answers the phone and has an attitude! WTF could i have possibly done that this bitch is still mad at me after thirteen fucking years? not have her arrested? FUCK HER! that bitch was a lousy fucking lay anyway. im glad shes gone. good fucking riddance. its 2 bad she cant get even further away from me. go stand behind that tree or something. u know what? why dont u go up in the woods and get eaten by a bear or a mountain lion or fucking coyotes or blood-thirsty man-eating penguins accidentally released n2 the wild by some sleep deprived grad student who is moonlighting as a lab assistant three nights a week so he can make enough money 2 buy his weed. after all, it is a recession. student loans dont stretch the way they used 2, u know?
What is your fantasy vacation?
i honestly dont know, but im guessing it would involve a couple hookers, at least one midget, this girl i knew in the eleventh grade named felicia (if ur reading this felicia...call me), an african elephant (asian elephants are 2 small), an african princess riding the elephant, ok - serena williams can play the princess. that would work 4 me. what do u mean i cant have the elephant? what do u mean they dont have any elephants? not one elephant...anywhere. not a one. hmm...do u think they have any elephants in AFRICA u useless prick? do i have 2 do everything myself? how am i supposed 2 impress these people - possibly get somebody interested enough in me 2 have unprotected sex - when i am surrounded by selfish fucking pricks who cant find something as big as a fucking elephant! now get the fuck out of here and go get me a starbucks. Make sure u get the right one this time 2 u fucking idiot. write it down or something if u have 2, forrest. NO FUCKING WHIPPED CREAM. i dont like whipped cream. but everytime jerry's kid here brings me a coffee sure as shit it has fucking whipped cream on it. how about i bring u a coffee with my dick in it? how would u like that? what...ur not going 2 answer me now? where is this fucking kid? i swear 2 god im going 2 have 2 get someone else. i dont care if he is my cousin's kid. she must've dropped him on his head...twice. i'll give her a call later on and explain why her stupid son isnt waking up b4 noon anymore. then i what? put an ad in the paper? i dont fucking know. this is the kind of shit he takes care of 4 me. there u are! how'd u know i wanted starbucks? i dont even remember what i was mad about. AWW FUCK! THEY GAVE ME WHIPPED CREAM!
What is your academic background?
really? eight questions n2 this interrogation and u want 2 know where i went 2 school? u dont think that by this point in ur little q&a mindfuck that the reasonably intelligent might be able 2 determine on their own whether or not we are mentally compatible. what if i tell u i graduated with a phd from harvard? is that up 2 snuff enough 4 u? do u want my sperm now? what if i tell u i dropped out in the sixth grade so i could steal whatever i could get my hands on 2 support my cocaine addiction? what if i ran away from home at 15, hitched my way 2 hollywood and spent the next five weeks snorting coke, turning tricks and getting paid? still wanna have my baby? i didnt think so. but what has changed? nothing has changed, really. what has changed is perception. more specifically, ur perception of my desirability. what if i told u that while living in los angeles i was jumped n2 a street gand known as los gatos negros (the black cats) and that one night 2 prove my loyalty 2 the gang i was forced 2 kill two rival gang members? see that? now u find me attractive again. why? well obviously becuz u are a sick bitch with deep-rooted issues, but i say we take these negatives and turn them around n2 positives. my suggestion is that u figure out what education u would like someone u are having sex with 2 have. then pretend i told u that was my level of education. that way u get 2 sleep with a nobel prize winning scientist and i get some pussy without having 2 lie. nobody gets labled and nobody gets hurt. bing - bang - boom. just that easy. or i could just tell u i graduated from high school and went 2 but didnt finish college. thats probably easier. im just feeling onery i guess. probably never would have happened had i been brought up with a proper education, but what can u do?
What do you find attractive in people?
lucid -- funny -- tittys -- nice -- crazy -- tanned -- smart -- leather -- talented -- clever -- lavalicious -- swallows -- exuberance -- secretive -- flamboyant -- brickhouse -- discrete -- public -- soaking -- extreme -- nylons -- heels -- shaved -- bisexual -- exhibitionist -- lingerie -- cute -- busty -- brunette -- artist -- bbw -- voyeur -- skintight -- model -- blonde -- pornographic -- exotic -- local -- loco -- sexy -- sultry -- leggy -- fallible -- nasty -- voluptuous -- tattooed -- tasty -- latina -- bubblebutt -- delicious -- insatiable -- low-rise -- country -- honest -- orgasmic -- manicured -- milf -- scrumptious -- dripping -- interesting -- curious -- adventurous -- gushing -- sinful -- anal -- versatile -- cleavage -- tall -- hot -- exciting -- cumming -- excitable -- sensuous -- limber -- hypnotic -- imaginative -- doggy-style -- daring -- xrated -- independent -- complicated -- kinky -- squirting -- squealing -- belly -- redhead -- slutty -- scratching -- kissing -- goofy -- zany -- dangerous -- hourglass -- shivering -- sticky -- foxy -- moaning -- spasming -- bubbly -- silly -- black -- glamorous -- bling -- b(oyo)bs -- classy -- trashy -- drama-free -- eatable -- fabulous -- happy -- risque -- naked -- white -- sassy -- maddening -- lusty -- booty -- little -- yellow -- different
What do others do that irritate you?
they make me fill out online profiles -
they lie 2 get what they want instead of just asking -
they turn me n2 america's most wanted -
they pretend im not funny -
they get the answers on jeopardy! b4 i do -
they start illegal and immoral wars in foreign lands 4 natural resources under the guise of freedom draining morale from a war that STILL needs fighting -
they regularly refuse 2 fill my email inbox with pics of their skinbox -
they go 2 work and throw around terms like "carbon footprint" and "green energy" then drive home in a hummer -
they make numerous attempts on my life -
they rob banks, hide the money under my house and then call the FBI tip-line and turn me in 4 the reward -
they live in ithaca, ny -
they are philistines...i just can't abide philistines -
they start laughing hysterically the first time they see me naked -
they would rather hate than participate -
they get all upset and shit after they said it wuz cool 2 begin with -
they start trippin...yo...it really iz just sex -
they cover their bodies in crappy tattoos and inappropriate peircings -
they smoke the rest of my pot without me -
they smoke the rest of my pot with me -
they get n2 the express lane with WAY more than fifteen items -
they say they are going 2 do one thing when everyone knows they are going 2 do the other -
they watch jay leno and act as if this is supposed 2 be funny -
they look at jay leno and pretend that its not supposed 2 be funny -
they give me shit 4 using narcoglyphs when i write -
they don't know what narcoglyphs are -
they dont watch saturday morning cartoons anymore -
they refuse 2 send me naked photos of their neighbor -
they refuse 2 send their neighbor naked photos of me -
they call the police -
the police call them -
they call the police again after i get done with them 4 calling the police -
they pretend Im still not funny
What do you think is your best quality?
my ability 2 dodge the really tough questions
What one thing would you change about your personality if you could?
i wish i were more in tune with other people's feelings, but i just don't give a fuck
What one question would you want answered in an initial email from another member?
how did u get my email address? - is this included in the price of the room? - who would win in a fist fight...james kirk or jim west? - anal sex yes or no? - do u prefer ur cocks long and thin or short and fat? - little bit country or little bit rock & roll? - when u left the hospital were u released or did u escape? - do u think craig ferguson is funny? - who's cuter: bobby sherman or david cassidy? - should i expect 2 see u naked soon? - does it bother u that there is no white history month? - were i 2 say, "do u remember that time on STNG that..." would u know what STNG means, or would u just think its some weird sex shit? - will u let me taste? - who would u rather watch: sarah palin or tina fey dressed as sarah palin? - how do u feel about sitting on my face? - got any pot? - can i see ur tits? - if i said 2 u "newton got it all wrong" would u think i was talking about cookies? - wanna fuck? - exactly what is dark energy anyway? - really? u fucked my ex?
Describe your physique.
about twelve inches - a white bottle with a flip top
Do you have any STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)?
of course not, but this question is fucking KILLING me! i've been taking part in this mental inquisition now 4 how many questions? and 4 each question they allot 1900 characters 4 my clever response, and whenever possible i have done my best 2 use all 1900 of them. why shouldnt i use all of them? they've given me this space 2 express myself however i see fit, right? how better 4 someone 2 get a sense of who i really am than me running off at the mouth shooting my own damn self in the foot? anyway...so i have been trying 2 use all 1900 words, right? and i gotta tell u..its kinda hard. there is a lot of information transmitted in 1900 characters. so my question, if i have one, is this - ideally the answer 2 this question is never longer than two characters. Im guessing that those profiles with answers containing MORE than two characters rarely attract much positive attention. so assuming that the remaining 1897 characters are there 2 provide the opportunity 4 an explanation, wtf do they think a motherfucker could possibly say in 1900 (or 19000000 4 that matter...) characters 2 explain away this shit? what do think they're gonna say? yes it is true that i have a greenish yellow pus leaking from the end of my penis and when i piss fire shoots from my asshole, but...WHAT? whats fucking next? what could follow that and make it any better? what kind of fucked-off disease ridden science project from hell needs 1900 characters 2 say I DONT HAVE THE CLAP?
Are you looking for a one night stand, to play for a while, or a long-term Adult relationship?
if u take only one thing away from this experience, please let it be the fact that i am MARRIED and i want 2 stay that way. does that mean i don't want 2 meet anyone? no...there is nothing wrong with making new friends. i would just ask everyone 2 show the proper respect on this matter, and if u cant do that then just show me ur tits and leave.
Free Space. Say anything you want!
theres just no way 2 guage how demented of an individual i am using this essay alone. if u would really insist upon diving n2 the primordial stew that passes for my consciousness i suggest u try therapy. they are doing AMAZING things with pharmaceuticals these daze.
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