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Total Honesty - Is this really desired?

posted 3/27/2007 3:28:15 PM |
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  decaturnooner

In a previous blog from a female member, she ask the question of what exactly makes great oral. While we all touted are skills, I think we all believed somehow that honesty was the best policy from our partners. Our partners should feel free to tell us what we are doing right or wrong, so we can learn from it and strive to get better.

Really? Do we really need validation like a ticket at the bank so you don't have to pay a fee for parking?

If I can't figure out if I am doing the sex task correctly, then please lie to me and don't tell me otherwise. I should be able to figure this out by body language, skin variations (goosebumps, heat, sweat, quivers, etc...) without the play-by-play analysis that some of us feel the need to have.

Sex is meant to be an act of 2 or more consentual bodies performing in an unrehearsed act of expression. Craving and desire is a bonus because it leads to passion and erotica. Sex isn't a figure skating event in which to be judged (beware of the French judge, he/she can be bought) for our "hitting the marks" and then adding a few "characteristics" to define our individuality. I certainly don't crave an evaluation of the process, post-game and keys to improvement in the future.

So ladies, if I am a poor lover, lie to me. Don't say anything at all really. If you weren't into it and I didn't know it, then shame on me for not noticing. At least give me the dignity of thinking I did a good job. Follow it up with never calling me again. It is far easier than that "honesty" bullshit.

Subtly always is more effective in the long run.

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Comments:

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Taisen

Mar 27 @ 5:33PM  
I agree if you can't figure out your not turning someone on then your not paying attention and you should be if you really want her into it...I don't agree with not telling your partner if you don't like something...I rather know if my husband doesn't like something I do so I can do something he does like. I want to know his likes and dislikes..It doesn't hurt my feelings any to know the truth...I want to please him not make him turn away from me...I don't sit there and tell my husband don't do this or don't do that because you do it wrong or because he did it to hard...What I do is talk to him and say " Baby, I really liked that you did this but do you think you could try this instead?" We have an open relationship where we sit and talk and tell eachother what we don't like and what we do like. I find nothing wrong with this. When your with someone for a length of time I think you should be able to discuss these things...Now if your with someone for a one night thing then there is obviously no point right...I mean if it's bad just get it over with and go about your way and I wouldn't call him or her again..mean or not best way to deal with it is either say something or just go on and don't bother dating or seeing them again...Honesty to me is big thing and I rather have that then lies...I don't like to be lied to abotu anything including what I may or may not do right in bed...Just my little minded opinion....
decaturnooner

Mar 27 @ 6:03PM  
Thanks for the comment.

Sounds like you are under a psuedo-grading system and you might be conditioned to ask for his approval. Isn't a relationship suppose to go past that kind of legalism?

If you are happy with it, so be it. I would almost bet you with certainty that he has lied to you about something and continues to lie about it still.
ponme

Mar 27 @ 6:43PM  
Yeah, I agree .. telling me I do it wrong or need "practice" not a good way to get me to want to do it more. More likely to say.. yeah well find someone who does it 'better'....
mark069

Mar 27 @ 8:02PM  
It's not like a lover is going to say "you suck at eating pussy - do it this way dumbass"....

But the thing is what works for one person doesn't always work for the next so I don't think there's anything wrong with a little verbal cue like "do it this way..." or moving your head with her hand a little while saying "here..."

Sure there are lots of non-verbal cues that hopefully you can pick up on but I think it's ridiculous to assume we are going to pick up on everything our partner likes non-verbally.

So if the choice is keeping my ego inflated and being a good lover to her versus a little bit of ego deflation perhaps but being a great lover, I would choose the latter. Who cares how you got there as long as your there.....
belle1010

Mar 27 @ 8:35PM  
I think you're right, i shouldn't have to give instructions. If you're doing something right you're going to know it, by my hips bucking off the bed, and the noises i make. You can pretty much figure if i fall asleep, you're not doing something right. If you want to know if something feels good to me all you have to do is look at my face, it will tell you all you need to know.
Cple4bigafem

Mar 27 @ 11:46PM  
Well I would tell u so u could please me the way I want to be pleased!! But other than that... oh idk I forgot what I was gonna say..lol
funnygirl730

Mar 28 @ 5:40AM  
i agree that you should be able to tell by your partners reaction.truth can be highly overated
Ashinatrix

Mar 28 @ 7:29AM  
I am the Queen of the fake orgasm!!!! I want my partner to feel as if he's the best I ever had!!!.......it only makes him anxious to go again!!! He'll get it right eventually.....practice makes perfect!!
ValentineGirl214

Mar 28 @ 8:45AM  
I want the Truth and nothing but the Truth when it comes to sex, how will anyone improve it not from the Truth. I don't mean that someone should yell at you and said YOU SUCK or Can't You Do Anything Right, but say Hey Why Don't We Try This, when they mean Me! I'm more than willing to try anything and it will only Make Me A Better Lover In The Long Run!!!
decaturnooner

Mar 28 @ 9:40AM  
A better lover in the long run? I have a feeling you are as good as you are going to get by now. If you are still looking for affirmations with your experience, you might be either selling yourself short or not a great lover to begin with.

I'll vote for you selling yourself short.

I guess another point I am sharing is the fact that honesty really doesn't change the outcome sexually, even over time. For instance, if you tell your partner that he/she wasn't doing something well and now he/she does it correctly - you know that they still suck without your guidance. He/she still knows you suck w/o your guidance as well. Talk about stress for the future.

I just don't need that. I'll take my chances not knowing the truth.

The truth does not set your free, it is far more binding than words can fully express.
ValentineGirl214

Mar 28 @ 10:47AM  
I have a feeling you are as good as you are going to get by now. If you are still looking for affirmations with your experience, you might be either selling yourself short or not a great lover to begin with.

I beg to differ and it's sad that you aren't willing to learn anything new. Everyone is different in their wants and needs. I've NEVER had Any Complaints! Nor has anyone told me I was doing something wrong, but would gladly do something differently to please a lover.

So I guess we will agree to disagree................................
decaturnooner

Mar 28 @ 11:30AM  
You never had any complaints because they weren't being honest with you.

People can complain even if it is good. They all have a perception of how good they thought it was suppose to be.

The fact that you might have not done something that totally pleased someone is actually a complaint in itself. The fact that you are willing to attempt new things to please your partner is in essence a complaint that you lack what is necessary to continue to please them in your current state.

I ask again, do you really want honesty?

ValentineGirl214

Mar 28 @ 1:43PM  
I ask again, do you really want honesty?

YES

I guess you can't agree to disagree, so I am done with your Blog.

Have a Good One!
LeighDangerous

Jul 17 @ 4:39AM  
I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but Nooner. . .are you for real? Do you honestly not want to know how to please the woman you're with simply because your fragile little ego can't take it?

What you seem to not realize is that although all woman are basically made the same, none of us are wired identically. What one may find incredibly pleasurable, another may find totally uncomfortable. Let's use nipples as an example. One woman may only like a little tongue play with very little actual sucking, while another finds intense pleasure in teeth and nipple clips.

Without her telling you, how are you ever going to know? To be totally honest, after reading this blog one can only assume you really don't care if the woman enjoys her sexual encounters with you. It seems your sole concern is for your own pleasure and nothing more. Kind of sad really. . .you're so missing out.

I have never once thought a man sucked at sex because he needed a little guidance from me. It's not about "judging" or "validation", it's about both people getting the most pleasure possible out of their sexual encounters.

Maybe you just have a problem with strong, sexually confident women.

(Just the 2 cents of a strong, sexually confident woman!)

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Total Honesty - Is this really desired?