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What's Important?

posted 3/17/2007 2:35:36 AM |
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Here's a question that's been eating at me for the past 21 years. It has become more important as I've gotten older & uglier and my kids are growing up. WHAT is the basis for a nearly perfect relationship? After all, perfection is unattainable to most. Yet, even the illusion of perfection would serve well.
I've been married 21 years come June. I'll be 41 come Sept.. And, my boys will turn 18 & 15 this year. So, life's options are closing in on me fast. My wife is a beautiful person..........great mom, dedicated wife and my best friend. Yet, we went in differant directions over the years.
The sex has become very lacking..........ritual sex, so to speak. Write it on the calender and shit. MAJOR issue for me. I party too much and like spending time with my friends, or by myself, more than her. MAJOR issue for her. But, I spend more time at home and get no more sex!? WTF?
Thus, I'm confused. After my kids grow up, am I just stuck here, sexless and making her feel good? Saying, "Yes! I love you even if I get sex once a week or so?" Christ! I'm 41, not 61!!! And, we've talked this issue over a LOT. But, after getting back together, it becomes all MY issues.
I'm not inept! I CAN and have found the sex required to satisfy my needs. BUT, that always led to "choosing" between the two. My wife can tell when I'm playing because I come home happy and horny. My normal self is sexually repressed, pissed off and irritated at about anything in general.
My question is, WHY is it better for me to do without sex and be irritated 24/7, when I'm married, than it is for me to be myself, do well business wise and get a lil on the side? After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Truthfully, when I'm getting a lil extra, life goes really well on my part. The proof is on my 1099's, lol.
So, as my boys are getting ready to move out on me, what's more important? To have a lady you can trust to the grave and be sexually frustrated, or, 2) try to be with her and a FWB, or, 3) try to begin again?
Actually, #3 doesn't appeal very much. Number 1 doesn't work so well either as I may only have a few years before Viagra or some shit. I guess then, we'll get along better. So, I'm stuck with #2. In other words, be loyal to her in heart, find the sex elsewhere, lie about it to protect her feelings (even though she can tell) and try to find a FWB that doesn't cause troubles down the road.
Yep! I can just pull one of those outta my ass. A gal that wants intense sex with no emotions other than being friends. I'm not Magellan! We have talked about another gal that was bi kinda joining in. And, I tried to get that to happen. But, she had the thought that the gal was more into me than her.
So, I ask.........what to do? She's really interested in the "other woman" but, we haven't found the right gal so far. I think, if she found he right gal that suited her, it may work out ok. But, she leaves it to me to, they meet me first. Thus, they're just interested in me...........blah, blah.
I really do love her. Otherwise, I'd never put up with a woman that hates my lifestyle and my values. Likewise, she would never put up with me. But, there has to be a compromise.....soon.
Any thoughts are welcome. Feel free to input comments.

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Mar 17 @ 2:51AM  
You got some issues.....I wish you good luck!!

Mar 17 @ 3:24AM  
Sorry, Wish I had a solution for you. Other than trying counseling wouldn't know what to say. If you've talked and talked about it with no results, not much you can do about it. Makes me wonder why you'd stay though. You don't seem to get along, you have different needs and wants. Why shouldn't both of you find someone else and both be happy? That would be my solution. You could still be friends and parents together. But you'd both have what you want. She'd have a loyal husband that doesn't drink and hang out with his friends. with little or no sex and you'd have your sex goddess. All would be right with the world. Which sounds better to you? What you have now, or that?

Mar 17 @ 3:47AM  
Both of you either need to try harder to make things work sexually. If she's not interested in sex anymore, that's no excuse to fuck around on her.

So either try acting like you did when you were first dating or see a therapist.

Mar 17 @ 6:12AM  
ok sniffi, so it's not an excuse....but trust me....if the marriage was that important to her she would try harder to meet his the past, I had sex with my husband even when I didnt want to, because he wanted is a give and take relationship. Many marriages stay together for the sake of the children, only to turn into a marriage of convienence. As people evolve, their sex drive can go one of two ways...for those of us with high sex drives it is important that our partner be able to see to our needs...and cabl baby, you already know what kind of relationship you will have if you choose to have to decide what is more important to you. Sometimes a brief separation is all that is needed to get your thinking straight. Time apart can give both of you a chance to reflect on why you stay together in the first place. Give you the chance to remember what it is you'd miss about her if she were no longer in your life....All my Love and Best wishes for the future -Ash


Mar 17 @ 6:37AM  
We're only getting his part of the story. We don't know that she's not trying.

Mar 17 @ 7:20AM  
we've talked this issue over a LOT. But, after getting back together, it becomes all MY issues.
Dosen't sound like she's trying TOO hard.....placing blame while he's trying for a soultion can't help....

Mar 17 @ 8:09AM  
From Wordsofwit's blog:

When asked how to tell that a relationship is over, 57 percent believe
it's when you stop looking forward to seeing your significant other,
while 26 percent know it's over when they're no longer challenged or
inspired by their partner. Eleven percent believe it's when there is
nothing to talk about, and 7 percent consider a loss of intimacy to be
the most telling sign.

Mar 17 @ 8:46AM  
To me, cheating is NEVER a solution, it just makes a bad situation, harder to live with. According to your blogs, and I have read just about every single one of them. You do not sound like you are where you want to be! All your blogs are very negative towards your wife and your marriage. Sometimes to much happens and there is no getting those loving feelings back( to much water under the bridge) According to your blogs what I perceive from them is you and your wife would be better off being friends, in seperate households! See respect is a major thing in any relationship and I really do not see that in the way you speak. I know this is one sided and we only hear what you say, but what you have been saying is not very complimentary to your wife. You call her a bitch, you drive her out of the house with this music you put on cause you know it irritates her, and so much more that you have admitted to in your blogs. Now I am not saying there are things that she doesn't do that do the same thing to you, but i have to ask, WHERE IS THE RESPECT!!!

For me personally when you lose respect and trust for someone, intimacey is the last thing I want with that person, even if it is my husband. Trust and Respect are the hardest things to get back once they are lost. I give them freely untill they are taken away, then its good luck getting them back, it more then not likely will happen with me!

Good Luck to you CG, its not an easy situation you are in, god only knows I would not want to be there (I also was there one time). But remember life is to short to be miserable, do what is going to make you happy in the long run. If that is staying or if that is leaving, do what you gotta do!

Mar 17 @ 10:11AM  
"Sometimes Love Isn't Enough"

Mar 17 @ 10:37AM  
People actually write on a calendar when they will have sex??? OMG I can not believe that....... Wow.

Mar 17 @ 10:40AM  
Actually I have a question apart from the sex issue how are things between you? that would have a lot to do with determining the actions I would take.

Mar 17 @ 1:28PM  
Well personally, I don't know you all that well cabl_guy. However, I've always thought, and do think of you as a pretty decent guy! Nor do I know your wife, or your situation...other than what you've said in this, and a few other blogs.

Therefore, unlike some people...I will NOT pass my judgements on you, nor your wife. As that simply doesn't do any good, and it's wrong to judge others you do not know!

Even if I knew both sides, hers as well as yours of the whole who am I, or any of us to judge others? Now even though I don't believe in God...correct me someone if I'm wrong here. But I do believe that is his job, and NOT ours?

Anyhow, it's obvious the two of you have grown apart, and it's not the end of the it simply happens. Now I don't really have any advice, as I'm not a marriage counselor. And I'm not going to try to pretend to be...

However, I've read your blog, and have also read many of the comments...most have given some good advice. And I really have little to add, or say, that's not been said...

The only thing I can say for what's important? Well, this might sound selfish in a way...but what's important is what is important to you! And all I can say of luck to both of you! Hope it can and does work itself out...but at the same time, you can't hang on forever if you're not happy...

Mar 17 @ 1:34PM  
i had a "friend" that complained how his wife wasnt interested in sex..he wanted more on the side...after a while the truth began to come out, when he showed me naked pics she let him take of her, the vibrator he bought for her, the lingerie she wore for him and his admission that they normally had sex twice a week when they had 2 very young children and she worked full time...i would say a pretty good attmept to try to please him on her part .....

the point being, it took a long time for me to understand that i really think she was trying to meet his needs, and perhaps it was his rationalization to look for other partners...

seems to me, cablguy, that perhaps you are looking for rationalization too?

i think when 2 people really care for each other, and have good communication, EACH will TRY to understand and meet the other's physical and emotional needs...if both are not willing to try...then there is no use being together...

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