WTF Iz a Whig, Anyway (Part Two) posted 3/15/2007 3:31:36 AM | 1 kudo what's this?     report abuse

DickSlippery

CONTINUED FROM B4 (that means only fascists, purveyors of homoerotica and Trekkies will continue reading this if they have, in fact, not read Part One in it's entirety B4 reading any further than this point right now. U there! Yes, U! U know who U are! Stop reading right now, I say! Stop it!)

This ushered in the age of the last, and my personal favorite, of all the Whig Presidents Millard Fillmore. In addition 2 being the Thirteenth President (which in of itself iz kinda cool), he managed 2 do not much else beyond forestalling the inevitable beginning of the Civil War. He brought California N2 the Union as a free state, and as a result had 2 pass new laws governing the treatment and return of runaway slaves. The remainder of his Presidency passed uneventfully. Although having been passed up by the Whigs as their candidate in 1852, in 1856 he wuz nominated by the American Know-Nothing Party, but he lost the election 2 James Buchanan.

Two things about the Whigs jump out at me more than anything else. One, they were a bunch of fucking idiots. Two, they were sick and fucking tired of the status quo. I submit 2 U that we, the American People, have become a nation of fucking idiots. If U don’t believe me just pick up any newspaper. If U don’t find at least one thing in it that makes U think 2 Urself, ‘What the fuck?’ I’ll kiss Ur ass (except 4 Looking4ever...I'll kiss Ur ass anytime U want!) and give U twenty minutes 2 draw a crowd. I think it iz also safe 2 say we are sick of the status quo. One look at the Administration’s approval rating proves that. I think the conclusion iz clear. We...have become Whigs.

This duz not have 2 be a bad thing, but U can bet it will be if we try 2 deny it. Denial only gets U one thing, and that’s a fertile Nile Valley. Unless U happen 2 reside in sub-Saharan Africa I don’t see how that duz U much good. I say instead we should embrace our Whig heritage. We should revel in it, not run from it! We should all stand at the window and cry at the top of our lungs, “I AM A WHIG, BITCH!” Perhaps then those who wield power in this great nation of ours will finally hear us and begin making the changes so desperately needed in this country 2day. Changes we desperately need if there iz 2 be a 2morrow.

Our country iz in many ways similar 2 the United States of the early 1800s. We have racial divisions which run wide and deep. We have an administration which insists on escalating an unpopular war. Every day our leaders are allowing tons of hydroflourocarbons 2 be released N2 the atmosphere, which iz contributing 2 our global climate change. What we need iz 2 point out the hypocrisy and the lies not cover them up. We need 2 point a finger and shout, “Look at what these fucking idiots are doing!” We need 2 Vote Whig, Bitch!

And we better do it pretty quick, cuz Greenland iz fucking melting and I 4got my galoshes.

Keeping U posted

DS

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