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WTF Iz a Whig, Anyway? (Part One)

posted 3/15/2007 2:28:02 AM |
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  DickSlippery

I am not going 2 be in the habit of double posting my blogs (meaning both here and on MySpace), but I thought I would make an exception in this case.

In the early Nineteenth Century this country wuz in great turmoil. Ours wuz a nation that wuz literally being ripped apart by the issue of slavery. Southern plantation owners were demanding that the Northern free states return escaped slaves 2 their rightful owners, while Northern abolitionists were organizing escape routes and rallying public support for their cause. Amid all of this utter confusion rose a political party like none B4 or since. They called themselves the Whig Party and they were basically a bunch of rowdy drunken maniacs, many of whom rose 2 fame by being good at one thing – killing motherfuckers. Through a combination of clever campaigning and being in the right place at the right time they even managed 2 wrestle the reigns of power from the leading political parties of the day. Although only in power 4 a little over ten years, during that span they managed 2 end up with three different Whigs as President of the United States.

The first wuz Benjamin Henry Harrison, who wuz a famed indian fighter and former territorial governor, as well as a hero of the War of 1812. He wuz the last President 2 have been born an English subject. He wuz also the first President 2 actively campaign 4 himself during the election. B4 Harrison it wuz considered poor taste 2 talk about why U should be President. U were supposed 2 let others do that 4 U. But with the slogan Tippecanoe and Tyler 2 (Tippecanoe in reference 2 an indian battle he had won and Tyler wuz in reference 2 John Tyler, his Independent running mate), he and the rest of the Whigs changed all of that 4ever.

When Benjamin Henry Harrison wuz running for President he would get up there and talk his shit while his Whig cohorts would go about turning the campaign N2 a fucking circus. They called incumbent President Martin Van Buren a snob and a “dandy” (the modern-day equivalent of saying, “Bush iz a fag!”) while at the same time holding these huge fucking parties in the name of their candidate and calling him “a man of the people”. It worked. They got him elected.

Unfortunately 4 the Whigs, Harrison wuzn’t all that fucking smart, and although it wuz a cold, blustery winter day on the day he wuz inaugurated, he chose 2 give his one hour and forty-five minute inauguration speech without coat or gloves. As a result of this he contracted pneumonia and died one month later, making him the first President 2 die in office. He did, however, manage 2 keep one of his campaign promises. He did not run 4 a second term.

It would be 1848 B4 the Whigs would again win the White House, and this time they did it with Zachary Taylor, who has the distinction of being the last US President 2 be a slave owner. He’s also the cat that whipped Santa Ana’s ass and set the stage 4 what may have been the biggest land grab of all time, the annexation of Mexico. Although a slave owner himself, he considered Southern slave owners 2 be a bunch of “whiney Southerners”, and did not feel the need 2 capitulate 2 their increasing demands. Fortunately 4 the South, he, much like his Whig predecessor, wuzn’t 2 fucking bright. During a cholera outbreak in Washington DC, Taylor attended a picnic. They recommend staying away from raw fruit or drinking water without knowing first where it came from, but the President chose 2 ignore this advice. He ate a bunch of cherries and five daze later became the second President 2 die in office.

2 BE CONTINUED...

Keeping U posted

DS

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Comments:

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geena

Mar 15 @ 2:58AM  
thanks you DS
cabl_guy

Mar 15 @ 3:01AM  
Look at the shit we have to choose from now!
cabl_guy

Mar 15 @ 3:33AM  
Glad to see you back, DS! You gotta do that repetetetettive shit. Nobody hears you the first 3 times.

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WTF Iz a Whig, Anyway? (Part One)