I lost my cat. Well…she’s run off somewhere, anyway. It still remains 2 be seen if she iz coming back. They do that sometimes. They are a trip that way…the cats. But, anyway, I’m sitting here listening 2 a great fucking album (1(800) NEW-FUNK by NPG…check it out if U like that BANGING motherfucking funky ass shit! U won’t regret it) and minding my own business when my Sister and Brother-in-Law stopped in 2 smoke a blunt with me. Fucking awesome, idea I say! I seriously advocate this kind of behavior with all my fucking friends. Even those of U who aren’t my friends should seriously consider it. Hell yes! Come over out of the fucking blue and get me stoned. I really can’t think of a better goddamned idea. If I am asleep when U get here…wake me the fuck up! Todd started rolling the weed and my sister told me my music sucked. No surprise there. This bitch has the worst fucking taste in music, I swear. It would have blown my fucking mind if she would have liked it. Fuck what she says.
There we are just about 2 spark up this blunt, when – wouldn’t U fucking know it - the fucking phone rings. I hate the fucking telephone. It never fucking rings when I want it 2. I’d like 2 build a fucking time machine so I could go back in time and kick Alexander Graham Bell’s fucking ass. Even if it didn’t do anything 2 stop the invention of the fucking phone it would still be worth it. That’s how fucking much I hate the phone. I pick it up. It’s none other than dixxbitch herself. “Hi, honey! Jenna got sick and went home. Do U think U can come pick me up from work?” Of course I can come pick U up, dear! When would U like me 2 do this? “Well…I get off work in ten minutes so…now, if that’s ok?”
At this point I did a very quick pros and cons list in my head whether or not I should go get her, with the deciding factor being the likelihood of her arriving home eventually anyway, being as she fucking lives here. I’m not trying 2 hear all that shit. Then I said, “Of course I will come get U, darling. I’m going 2 smoke this blunt first…then I will be on my way.” “Thank U honey. I’LL BE WAITING 4 U.” When she said the last part she really said it like, “I’ll be waiting 4 U.” but I just heard it all fucked up in my head, like she wuz standing outside a liquor store or something. But I did manage 2 pull myself 2gether long enough 2 ignore the urgency I wuz feeling and go ahead and smoke that blunt.
Fifteen minutes later I’m fucking so loaded I can’t fucking see straight…only now I’m driving. I got no seatbelt, no fucking stereo and I can barely see through the fucking windshield. And I’m stoned…add 2 that the fact that this weed iz the kind of weed that gets U really fucking paranoid, right? But I can’t worry about that right now, cuz I got no fucking speedometer. How fast am I going? I don’t know. Seems 2 me like I’m fucking barreling ass when VROOOOOOM! Right past me goes this twelve year old kid on his bicycle. Little bastard damned near clipped the front of the car he wuz so close. Scared the fucking piss outta me, I’m telling U. He popped a wheelie right there in front of me and I flipped him off. The prick.
Then I remembered my training. Go with the flow of traffic. Oh yeah. I sped up some, but I wuz still being passed by everyone. Go with the flow of traffic. I sped up some more. I wuz going, what seemed 2 me 2 be incredibly fast, but I wuz still falling behind. Go with the flow of traffic. I sped up still more. The car wuz sliding all over the road now, and the steering column wuz threatening 2 rattle the fillings from my teeth it wuz shaking so badly and shit wuz zinging past me like in that fucking Willy Wonka movie with Gene Wilder in it. It wuz absolutely, off the fucking chain insane. But…I wuz moving with the flow of traffic, now.
Just what rocket scientist thought of this fucking gem of a speed law, huh? What if everyone around U iz doing 140? What then dickhead? Go with the flow of traffic. What if the car feels funny? Go with the flow of traffic. What if U have serious doubts about the structural integrity of the vehicle at those speeds? Am I 2 believe we should just ignore all these tell-tale signs? What tale are they telling? I don’t fucking know! I’m stoned…remember? Go with the flow of traffic!
FUCK! I had 2 piss now! That’s when I passed this ditch and what must have been a hundred fucking frogs that all went, “CROAK!” at the exact same time! And…and…and I only heard it in my right ear. It wuz a fucking trip. That’s when I looked up and realized I wuz lost. Never mind the fact that I pretty much only have 2 take one road 2 get there. Never mind the fact that I drive this fucking way all the fucking time. It wuz like somebody picked me up and dropped me off in some other fucking city or something. I wuz completely, utterly and hopelessly fucking lost. That’s when I recognized where I wuz.
2 BE CONTINUED
Keeping U posted
DS 
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Blogs by DickSlippery:
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| Boil It Down…Its Still Just Looking 4 Pussy (Part One) |
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featherone
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Mar 13 @ 8:22PM
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hey about the cat,, my mom had a cat when she was small, and it ran away a week later she moved 20 miles from her old home,, well, that cat found her 4 weeeks later,
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openmindedguy71
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Mar 13 @ 8:25PM
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You know I am starting to wonder if you are Tom Petty or something as much fucking weed as you smoke..... Let's get to the point, lets roll another joint......
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featherone
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Mar 13 @ 8:30PM
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hes high on the same thing you are open lmao
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Sunshine79
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Mar 13 @ 9:18PM
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You drove yourself into the ghetto, huh??
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str8ngr84u2
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Mar 13 @ 11:11PM
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Dude!!! That is HIGH!!!
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wtxman
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Mar 14 @ 7:04AM
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I think that I'll give you a worthless kudo for this; don't know why,just feel like it.
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