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Screwin' with the clergy

posted 2/27/2007 11:14:16 PM |
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Had some fun today when I woke up, thought I'd share with y'all cause, well, let's face it, who's going to appreciate this the way it should be appreciated *chuckles*
To set up, I hope everyone is familiar with church folk that do "bible walks". They're overly prevalent in the south and probably up north, since Christians are the type that really get into that whole god thing last I checked. For those of you scratching your head ape style, a bible walk is like when the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons bother you at home on the Vegas long shot odds you're gonna want to give up your dirty life of sin and heresy based on the fact that they interrupted your internet porn and reality shows. Well, this fine morning two older ladies from one of the *counts quickly on fingers, runs out of room, removes socks* thirteen local churches in a five mile radius (tellin' ya, two things you can't have too many of in the south, churches and Waffle Houses...there's one or the other every fifty feet) came a tappin' at my chamber door, awakenin' me from one of my more enjoyable dreams. It was the one where I'm the only guy on an island of bisexual women that worship a giant rock that looks like me, youse guys ever have that dream? The following is verbatim the conversation that followed once I opened the door clad only in my Batman boxers (I am...Batman). TJB stands for Two Jesus Bitches and MTB stands for Me, The Bastard.
TJB: Good morning sir..., uh, how are you this morning?
MTB: I'm awake. Now. *pauses to light smoke and scratch my balls*
TJB: Oh, we're sorry sir did we wake you up?
MTB: You know, it would appear that way...but now that we're all here, what do you want?
TJB: Well sir, we were wondering if we could have a few minutes of your time and speak with you...(pause due to the fact that it has become apparent that not only do I still have morning wood but the gap in my boxers is open due to excessive nad scratching) about something very important.
MTB: WELL! If it's IMPORTANT speak on sweet lips that never told a lie!
TJB: Sir?
MTB: Shoot. (leaning against door and pops neck)
TJB: Well sir, have you given any thought to your immortal soul?
MTB: Lately? Nah, but then again I'd be lying if I said I was really interested in what you have to tell me.
TJB: Sir have you ever seen this? (holds up bible)
MTB: Hmmm? Oh yeah, I seen this, I use this all the time at Mass.
TJB: Mass? Are you Catholic sir.
MTB: Not anymore, I meant Black Mass.
TJB: Black...Mass?
MTB: Yeah, Black Mass, I'm a Satanist. In fact, I have some literature I'd like to share with you, would youse two like to come in?
TJB: Sir?!!
MTB: It'll only take a minute, c'mon, you can show me yours and I'll so you mine. We use you guys' stuff at our get togethers ALL THE TIME. It's only fair I give you some of ours...fairs fair as the Dark Lord says.
TJB: Th-that's okay sir (visibly rallies to the cause) but when YOU go on your bible walk I'll be glad to listen then okay?
MTB: Oh hell no, we don't do that, go around bother people at home, that's just barbaric. We just wait till they get tired of hearing the usual dumb nonsense and come to us, it's the easiest thing. You'd be surprised how many sign up every monday morning.
TJB: Well sir that's just...great for have a good morning and we'll pray for you.
MTB: Oh thanks be assured I'll do the same for you guys, remember, Satan loves you! *insert sound of door slamming and hurried steps down the stairs*

So...that's how my day started.

And...on the off chance I've offended a zealot...I'm not really a Satanist. I don't really believe in religion period. Faith I believe in, but the minute you get guys in funny outfits with books involved I tune out. That's what a Catholic upbringing does to you.

Hail Santa!

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Feb 27 @ 11:22PM  
Thats funny shit!! I usually tell them I don't believe in religion and shut the door. Or just let them knock and knock and go on about my business. Never thought about actually fucking with them.....hahaha.

Feb 27 @ 11:25PM  
Sounds like the way I'd of handled it. I've told them I was a devil worshiper before. And Wiccan and an athiest. Or, my favorite, "You don't see me smoking weed and drinking beer on your front porch and knocking on your door trying to 'convert' you. Get the fuck off of my property!"

Feb 27 @ 11:41PM  

Feb 28 @ 12:24AM  
Being born and raised in the south, yes I can relate to the bible walk crews. And I got really good at just yelling out "I'm southern Baptist" long before they ever hit the front porch! But once we did have a preacher come by that had a nasty habit of just knockin on the front door and throwin it open! Well it was wintertime and we heated our house with a wood stove. The ex was bent over stokin the fire when a coal popped and shot some sparks right into his eye and his beard which immediately started to sorta melt! He spins around scream all kinds of m'fin s.o.b's! I come running down the hall (naked and fresh from the shower I might add) to see what all the screamin is about, he's still beating at his beard, spinning in circles and cussing a blue streak when I hear this tiny little knock and the door comes flying open! Preacher is standing there open mouthed, eyes bulged, dropped his bible! I can't help it, I'm dying laughing I couldn't of run for cover if I wanted to! The ex hasn't seen the preacher yet (but the preacher has seen me!) ex is still screamin out about sexual acts with mothers and the origins of family members! Preacher bent down grabbed his bible, slammed the door and ran!! Never again did he knock once and open the door! He'd stand out there and wait for us to answer the door no matter how damn long it took!

Feb 28 @ 1:33AM  
ladybootscooter where's a camera when you need it I'd given $50.00 for a video. I'm laughing so hard my side hurts. Haven’t laughed that hard since Tommy Tubbs told why he kept falling asleep one day in the second grade. Seems the dogs started barking because something was in the hen house. His dad went out with a 12 gauge double barreled shotgun to check in his long johns with the flap door open in the back. When he opened the henhouse door their old hound dog stuck his cold nose to dad’s bare backside and the whole family was picking chickens till 6am in the morning.

Feb 28 @ 2:45AM  
that's funny. I sware, I get somebody trying to save my soul every week. I'm a buddhist and I was raised catholic... but converted.

In fact the first time I went out dancing ever... I went swing dancing... and the first damn girl I asked to dance... the first thing she said to me was something like... have you found jesus? uhh... Yeah, isn't he the guy selling fruit down on the corner near my house?

Feb 28 @ 3:56AM  
ladybootscooter: That's TOO FUNNY!

Feb 28 @ 8:23AM  
thanks for a morning laugh!!!!!!

Feb 28 @ 8:35AM  
You kill me!!!

Feb 28 @ 8:45AM  
Looks like DS finally has some competition!!! Hey Monsterman,as long as you stay off the "juice" you should have no problem.

Feb 28 @ 11:59AM  
sounds like some like what my mom does to them. she rides horses one day she had her wips and spers out thay knock she opened the door they start preching that god is fun and stuff.then she says that she has fun by puting a 1000 pounds between her leg ang sqeez then use the wips. that sent them packing. then a month later more come and start saying how she will go to hell and all that. then she put on an evil smile and says {does that meen i can meet the master?} they whent white and ran lolololololol

Feb 28 @ 2:30PM  
Kudo goes out to you babe,,,nothing more to be said

Feb 28 @ 3:09PM  

Feb 28 @ 5:38PM  
Geez, either I'm a better writer than I thought or youse guys got some of the lowest standards that I've ever seen. And I ain't knockin' low standards, where would my sex life be without booze and the low expectations of female perception at last call *LOL* You guys all kick ass, I mean that

Chicks dig giant robots

ROCK ON!!!!!!

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Screwin' with the clergy