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Definition of Compromise

posted 2/22/2007 11:34:40 PM |
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I have been married for almost 21 years. We've been separated 3 times during those years. The last of which was 3 to 4 years ago during which we filed divorce papers.
At that time, I lived in N. Ohio with my own home and my own business. So, when we separated, my wife did the usual and ran to mommy 3 hours south with my 2 teen sons. She quit a good paying job to take one that paid 1/2 as much. Her reasons were to be close to her family and that she couldn't stand seeing me date other women. Fine!
The reasons for separation were typical 1)we never did anything together without the kids 2)lack of sex, and 3)she never left the house to give me personnal space. The only way to get away from her was to visit friends, etc.,. Her excuse was that she didn't have anywhere to go. She hated the town because I was well known and had lots of friends.
Anyhow, after a big fight, she moved out and came south 3 hours away. That suited me fine. I finally had room to breath! And, as far as sex? The gals were throwing it at me as soon as she was gone. Life was great! All except missing my teen boys terribly.
Well, the separation lasted 6 months. During which time it was MY responsiblity to drive to see my sons. She refused to bring them to me. First big issue! She also insisted that I come alone. 2nd issue! And, every time I came to see them, she threw sex at me and informed me of every move I made at my home. Every gal I was seen with, etc.,. 3rd HUGE issue!
So, there I was backed in my corner. I STILL had no privacy! They were all bitches, sluts, whatever according to her. And, my kids were not to be around ANY of them. Come to find out LATER that she had guys around my boys.
I had 2 choices- 1) custody battle and years of hearing shit, or 2) cave in, sell my home and business and work things out. So, I chose 2. After all, the sex had been great with her during that 6 months. Maybe things had changed. And, ALL of her family lived here so, I'd have my space with her visiting them.
Damn was I ever wrong!! Within weeks of getting back together, the sex dropped to nil.......maybe twice a week. I had bought 15 acres of woods to build a home. Thieves and trespassers destroyed everything I did on it. I didn't know hardly anybody to re-establish my business. And, the rate of pay was 1/2. And, she never left the house unless I would go with her. Not even to see her family.
I had quit drinking, running the bars, chasing women.......the whole 9 yards. Only to get the same treatment I had gotten before I told her to get out. Only differance now was I had no friends, no home (an apt in a complex) and no business.So, I became seriously depressed.
Over that time, up til now, I picked up drinking again and made new friends and started working some here and there. But, I still avoided women and the bar scene. I haven't messed around since moving in with her. And, I let my property go just recently.
Result? I'm a piece of shit! All I do is drink and run around. I never spend time with her. Wahhh! It's been coming to a head really quick. This coming summer, I'll have the means to get back on my feet. My name as a contractor is becoming know again.
So, is that the definition of 'compromise'? I give up everything and she changes nothing? As of late, I've been drinking far too much. Not like there's much else to do. And, I avoid her as much as possible. So, I'm an asshole. And, I didn't live up to my end. What about her? "Well, you know how I am. You shouldn't expect ME to change." WTF?
As of tonight, it's decided. I'm done. FUCK HER! As soon as I get things arranged, I'm out. I'm tired of being made out to be the asshole. This time, it's for good. She can find somebody else to suck her ass. Or, be 'perfect' all by her lonesome. I could give a shit less!
Not like any of you should care. I just needed to get it off of my chest. My dog listens better than she does.

Life will be good again shortly!

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Feb 22 @ 11:46PM  
First things first my friend...if you Want to change, change for You!!

Feb 22 @ 11:47PM  
Leaving a long term relationship is never easy, especially when there are kids involved. Sounds like your boys should be pretty much grown up and you'll be able to do pretty much what you see fit with them and around them. Also sounds like your wife is a class A bitch. I could be wrong, as I have only, obviously heard YOUR side of things, but it just doesn't sound right, and in fact, sounds quite a bit like my first marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide. Sometimes you just get sick of... and it sounds as though you have reached that point.

Feb 23 @ 12:01AM  
when you reach the point of breaking just remember homicide is a class a felony!

Feb 23 @ 12:07AM  
Sounds like my marriage. All of divorced people have been through something like you have, I'm sure it sounds familiar to a lot of us. Just know that you have friends here that do know what you're going through and can feel for you. Drop a line if you need someone to talk to about it.

Feb 23 @ 12:22AM  
Hang in there man! I've been divorced for 6 years. It has been rough at times but it's definitely doable. If you can't live with her, then live better without her. And for your own sake, find a way to find things that you enjoy. Happiness is its own reward. Don't worry about the zing fest, don't make comparisons or anything like that.
And if you find someone you're happy with, don't hide it from your kids. You owe it to them if you find a happy relationship, they NEED to see it.
Good luck brother, it ain't easy but it can be done.

Feb 23 @ 12:48AM  
Sounds like your spouse and my ex might have come from the same gen pool. I went through a similar situation and mine was ended a year and a half ago. Let me tell you the last year has been no picnic, but I do believe that I am much better off than I would be if things had continued to go the way they were. If hurt me deeply to have things end because I Loved her with all my heart, but I do believe that the heart heals itself. I learned a long time ago that things happen for a reason and people come into our life for a reason, even if we don't know the reason till after the fact. Take your life with her, remember the good and learn from the bad. Things might be rough at times, but at some point it will all smooth out and you will find the ride was actually fun along the way. It's like a very very long roller coaster, at times you might be scared to death, other times happy as hell and when you get off, you are ready to do it all over again.... Just my comments.. Take care and enjoy it the best you can..

Feb 23 @ 1:44AM  
Hey friend, hang in there!

Feb 23 @ 2:10AM  
Live for you, make yourself happy, the rest will come. Compromise is just that, give and take. Sounds like you were doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses and move on. Good luck.

Feb 23 @ 5:54AM  
Cabl_guy we do all know you and I honestly think your wife is a manipulative controlling bitch but as PK said we only have your side of the story. Just make sure that whatever you do that your sons don't suffer. Personally I think your a pretty decent guy and I hope you get your life back on track real soon.

Feb 23 @ 9:06AM  
The definition of compromise is an agreement neither is fully satisfied with.
However, not all people can be compromised with.

Like someone else said. Make the change for you. Your teenage sons will soon be driving anyway, thus canceling out the need for you to go to her house to pick them up.

Best of luck,

Feb 23 @ 11:06AM  
Change yourself. Love yourself. And the rest will follow.

Feb 23 @ 12:43PM  
Wow! How many times must your train derail before you consider it unfit for commission? Nothing will change for you. To women, the word "compromise" means you give up things to make life better for her.

I hate to see this kind of thing happen to men who may otherwise be happy. Cable_guy, you sound like you have a great place and a well established life where you lived. You should stay with that and be straighforward with your ex when she confronts you about the women you are seeing. It's no longer her business, nor her place to be angry at you when you do see other women.

I can't really comment on your kids as I don't have any and probably have a false sense of how I would deal with the situation, but you are heading for a life of continued unhappiness. You do have much to consider, and I wish you the best of luck in your decisions.

Feb 23 @ 8:38PM  
Hang in there friend; I have been married twice, and will soon be divorced twice in the last 27 years. I know what you are going through,and hope that things get better for you.

Feb 23 @ 8:47PM  
Why would you want to stay in a situation where you are obviously so miserable? $10 to a donut your wife is as miserable!


Feb 23 @ 9:43PM  
Wow! There are so many men in your same situation and what a shame it is! No one deserves to live like that......nothing changes until it changes......and what is really sad is that she can't see her own selfishness in keeping the kids from you like that! That is abusive if you ask me! I'm sorry for you hon.....I just did a little rant yesterday in my PATERNITY blog....similar feelings.....

So....feel strong in knowing that you are definately doing the right thing! Now just hope your boys don't end up with women like her!

Git r done!

Feb 23 @ 10:26PM  
Thank you, my friends! I've endured this shit for the sake of being with my kids and she knows that. But, they will be 18 and 15 this fall, so the ride is almost over.
I haven't had a beer, or gotten away from her, for a whole week. Today she left for a mere 2 hours........just long enough to hit the store and rush home. I was happy for just that short time to have space, but she ruined it.
So, to quell my anger, I put in Pink Floyd. It always mellows me out. I have the box set plus Umma Gumma. But, it just so happens that it depresses her. She was so mad that she left 15 minutes early for work and didn't even say 'bye'.
She'll give me my space this weekend or put up with listening to it over and over and over.....................Her choice.

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Definition of Compromise