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For all you aspiring musicians out there...

posted 2/15/2007 11:09:08 PM |
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  HER_NIGHTMARE

So I've been broadening my horizons lately, having to check out new talent on the scene, and I've been absolutely appalled by their bios.
This calls for some action.
Now I actually play in a metalish hardcoreish band, but punk's in, so I'm using that.

***********************HOW TO WRITE A BAND BIO, BY...ME! ************************

First of all, you need to create a new genre for yourself, so it gives the impression that your sound is completely origina, yet still worth of being categorised.
If you convince enough people that it's worthy of being categorised, then it also gives the impression that enough people are interested in this genre to warrant it having its own category; This makes it much easier to find the cool persons section at your favourite music store.

Example No.1: My band is, New Old School Core (it helps to chuck the word core in there. No one knows why).
After giving your genre a name, give a brief, yet overly glowing description of what that genre is. Of course the reason you are giving a description is because no one knows that the bloody hell it is because you and your band mates made it up buring a drunken rehearsal, whilst you were discussing what the meaning of life is.
You, being musicians. Obviously this would mean that you are deep and spiritual and intelligent enough to discuss a topic of such magnitude (it's love, by the way. Peace maaaaann, far out, etc)

Example No.2: New Old School Core is a powerfully vibrant new style of Punk that blends elements of classic old punk bands, (Chuck a few examples of bands in here. But try and pick the more obscure band as it will give you much more credibility. Also try to chuck in one or two bands that people would have heard of. It's sort of like giving them a stepping stone to your band) like GBH and the Exploited with New School elements such as SNFU and NOFX (Always say NOFX if you have anything to do with punk. Everyone still likes them. Also doesn't matter if your band sounds nothing like the ones you have mentioned, it's just to get peoples attention).
After you have created your genre, explained how you are going places, used words like 'powerful' and 'vibrant', the rest of your bio is fairly superfluous.
Just make sure that it's one great whopping tissue of lies, because if you were to be completely honest, your bio would look something like this.

Example No.3: This is my band. We pretty much play punk I guess. We've played a few gigs now, the ones where people show up have been awesome. I think we're pretty good, but there will be a lot of people who think we are shit. Our equipment is shit. We have no money. But we have a good time and sometimes we get free drinks. My genitals aren't as big as I had hoped and one time I saw our guitarist getting out of the shower. I could've looked away but I didnt. But yeah we're pretty sorta good I guess.

And no one wants to hear that now, do they.

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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Comments:

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xSUCKERPUNCHx

Feb 15 @ 11:10PM  
i don't know why it won't work!


heeere are the comments you lost!

sooo good.

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Comments:
post comment >>

xSUCKERPUNCHx

1 hr 47 mins ago
HAHAHAHAHA OMG THAT'S GREAT

LadieDarkStarr


1 hr 41 mins ago
Fanfuckingtastic. OMG I love it!

xSUCKERPUNCHx

Jul 17 @ 12:42AM  
haha fuck

i'd forgot how good this was

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For all you aspiring musicians out there...