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I'm Suffocating!

posted 2/13/2007 5:45:45 AM |
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This is something that has bothered me for years. It's mostly in the wintertime when it's too cold to go outside. As in, NOW!
I've been married to a pretty, loving, sensitive, devoted lady for the past 21 years. And, most of it has been great. Of course, we have our days and our issues, like everyone else. Yet, overall, I couldn't have done better.
Anyhow, at this time of year, I suffer from anxiety and feel 'caged' due to lack of work and being trapped in the house. Nothing makes me happier than having the house to myself once in awhile to jam my music, run around naked, moon the passers-by........whatever.
So, 3 1/2 years ago, we sold our home in the city and moved to the boonies for the cost of losing my business and my lifestyle in general. And, for the benefit of moving my wife close to her mom and 3 sisters.
I've managed to make new friends and my work is slowly picking back up as people get to know me in this locale. We even found an isolated home, on a backroad, surrounded by woods and non-prying neighbors. So, that part is getting better.
Yet, I still have one major problem that has perplexed me for years.....and, has a LOT recently. I NEVER have the house to myself! The closest I get to solitude is at 3-6 AM when my boys are asleep.
My wife's excuse up north was that she didn't have any friends that she cared to hang out with. So, I thought moving her here would fix that problem, but it hasn't. She stills insists on going nowhere without me. And, if she does, she rushes home.
For instance, this weekend she was off of work. So, she gets home Sat. morning (she works midnights), takes a shower and falls asleep on the couch. This means that me and the boys have to tip-toe through the loud music, etc.,. She remains there all day.
Sunday comes and she's supposed to visit her twin sister. She complains that I didn't put gas in the car........and is mad because she's stuck at home. So, I put on my clothes and drive 30 miles round-trip in haste to fill up the tank.
At 3:00 PM, she she leaves for her sister's........which is 20 miles away. I get relaxed and turn on the music that she hates to hear. The party is on! At 4:15, I hear a car........MY car! ........and she's BACK! A fuckin 40 mile round-trip on back-roads!
I'm pissed to no end! What should've been a few hours of peace has been ruined! So, I throw my clothes back on and storm outta the house to go see a buddy.........kinda not the same as ALONE time. She asks why I'm mad. And, I respond that, "You're stuck in my ass 24/7!!!" Prolly not the best answer.
So, here it is Tuesday morning, and she's still too mad to talk to me. She had to work last night. But, I'm sure she'll still be giving me the silent treatment until I say I'm sorry.........which, I don't plan on doing.
I'm sorry for what, exactly? Sorry that I need personnal space? NO! I am sorry that she STILL doesn't understand that after 21 fuckin years of telling her. I am sorry that I gave up my life to get more of the same after my move. And, most of all, sorry that she doesn't LISTEN to me or the doctors that tell her it's NOT all my fault.
Am I wrong? Am I not entitled to just a few hours of personnal space a week? Does it make me strange to want to be alone, in my own house, without her askin, "What do you want to do? How do you feel? What's your plans for today?"
I wanted so bad to jam 5 Minutes Alone by Pantera about 10 times in a row! No, I don't always 'talk it out' as that hasn't worked in the past. I generally over-react and say shit she'll make me regret for the rest of my life.........or, that's her goal, I think.
For some reason, my asking for space= he's gonna leave me. And, for the record, that was WHY I went on the road for 6 years in cable TV. Well, the money was great as well. But, those motel rooms were so quiet. I loved it!!
Any suggestions as to how to deal with this? I'm TIRED of being an asshole for asking her to go her perspective. But, she just DOESN'T GET IT! And, truthfully, this issue has been the cause of our seperations in the past and may be cause for divorce soon. I am honestly thinking of getting my own place as soon as work picks up this spring.
She thinks being with my friends is 'alone time'. How so? What do I do? Ask them if they mind going away for a bit while I use their house for solitude? Pitch a tent in the yard? Sleep in my truck.................which I've done many times?
I think she has issues, but, god forbid, I suggest that! Been there, done that! Her response was, "Well, YOUR family is the one with issues!"

Just a rant. Obviously, she ain't hearing me. I can only imagine how clinging she will be after our sons get old enough to move out. I love her, but she's driving me crazy! How do I fix this shit..........short of leaving her AGAIN?

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Feb 13 @ 5:58AM  
I know this isn't funny, but it's just the way you tell it that makes it funny. I really have no advice to help you out other than hopefully she can start giving you your space. A kudo for a funny entertaining laugh, Cableguy!

Feb 13 @ 6:15AM  
do you have a garage or shed that can be turned into your personal space? that might work. Sharing a room with my sister, i converted a walk in closet into my art room so i could have peace. (my sister and i are polar opposites)

Feb 13 @ 7:10AM  
To solve any problem you need to have good communication. If the two of you can’t talk reasonably to each other than you should try writing her a letter to explain how you feel and why you feel that way. If you say it straightforward, hopefully she won’t take it wrong. Everyone needs time away from people to let loose in their own way and deal with life. Some people just need more than others do, and she should respect that. You may need to figure something else to do to be alone for part of the time so she doesn’t feel like she has to give you the house. Come up with a suggestion that shows your giving to the solution and she should meet you half way. It would be better if it sounded like your looking for help to solve the problem rather than telling her what to do. Try looking at it from her side, she may just need to feel needed and your trying to push her away. Hope this helps a little

Feb 13 @ 7:31AM  

I feel U on this one bro. I been with mine 4 thirteen years and some daze I don't think we even speak the same fucking language. And would somebody please show me where it says in my fucking vows we have2 become fuckng simese twins? But the truth iz I love her 2 death and I know there izn't another woman on the planet Earth who iz better 4 me than she iz. So go and find Ur solitude if it iz that which U seek...there's no reason 4 the both of us 2 end up in the fucking looney bin.

at this point I would begin bouncing up and down and going Whoo hoo! Whoo! Whoo hoo! outside the fucking window like goddamned Daffy Duck from the hella old Warner Bros. cartoons. U know, when he used 2 kick it with Porky Pig?


Feb 13 @ 7:55AM  
Everyone needs their own space to be alone. I am glad at times I am single with no man living with me. I have my child but she is gone at school during the day so I have alone time. Unless I have daycare kids. Which this week I don't..Kind of like a mini vacation..
I don't think when you are married or in a relationship that you have to be glued at the hips. I don't like it.
If you need to get away I am not far from you. And I will leave you alone.
Bring your own music. I don't think we listen to the same thing.

Feb 13 @ 7:58AM  
I am right nearby DS. I been married 12 years. I can feel the PAIN.

Feb 13 @ 8:43AM  
Funny (not, really, not so funny) this was the same issue in my marriage. Well, sort of. The majority of our marriage he was going to school 12-15 credit hours and working full time. I was okay that I was independent while that was going on. I didn't nag him to spend all his free time with me. I didn't expect him to not catch up on sleep when he was home just so we could spend more time together. But, once he graduated and was only working, he was always angry that I was not at home, waiting for when he woke up, to be at his beck & call. He seriously resented that I had a life outside of him, that I went and did things with friends (I wasn't leaving him home with the kids...they were with me)...letting him catch up on sleep, having whatever time he wanted...all he needed to say was let's do something together, wake me up by such and such. It's a whole lot more involved than I am explaining it. But, if your marriage means anything to you, you need to find a way that both of you can have your needs met. Only the two of you can figure out how to achieve that.

Feb 13 @ 9:37AM  
Man you need a garage/workshop. Put you a stereo in it and a fridge and make it boys only, you know like our gang the women haters club LOL.

Feb 13 @ 10:32AM  
Why won't you open up and tell her that it's what you always wanted to do. Tell her you need that space as much as she wants to be with her friends and family. You need to tell her your feelings, open up. Communication is the key. Just my $0.02

Feb 13 @ 10:40AM  
sorry cabl you got to sit her down and explain!!! YOU Need your alone time hell we all got to have it!!! I mean if not your gonna go nuts!! talk to her don't yell!!

Feb 13 @ 11:55AM  
Hmmmm married for 21 years?? Sorry girls but i just gotta say, if it were as easy as just talking, i think in 21 years he probably tried that. Talking is easy, understanding each other is the problem. You say "I need some time alone" she hears "He doesn't want to spend any time with me". I do agree that you need to find a space to call your own, a garage, a storage shed, a fuckin closet would probably do the trick right now. That should be the one place you can go and just crank your tunes and crack a beer without anyone bothering you. Good luck with this.

Feb 13 @ 1:05PM  
The solution is obvious. You should buy her a Virtu...
Seriously, I think the workshop idea is good,
you could lock yourself in there and pretend
to build birdhouses or something.

Feb 13 @ 1:19PM  
I'm with you, guy - I need my space. I don't care how much I am into a man, I need time EACH DAY to myself. After 21 years, not sure I could take much more togetherness...

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I'm Suffocating!