AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Free Dating

Too funny not to share....JOKE

posted 1/26/2007 7:40:14 AM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
    report abuse
  Sunshine79

I don't do jokes, but I just about peed myself......

Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad,
can you help?"


I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
Into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mo m!"

I was equally outraged.


"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
Of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"

My wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
Can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one
thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
Little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, E
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like
most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying
on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what
I'm
saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for

more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was

going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

   read more blogs!

Blogs by Sunshine79:
A quick blurb.....
**A Public Service Announcement**
So EARLY!!
Amusing things to play with!
One Wish......
IT'S STUCK!!!
Where is.....
Finally.....
I'm teething!
In my pants...
Sex Fairy!!
Ahhhh.....
Too funny not to share....JOKE
**AMD Addict**
Could you imagine??
BEST HEAD EVER!!
Ben Wa Balls!!
Why ask for more?
Is it Friday yet??
Hostility of some people....
Who supplies the condoms??
When to show your freaky side....
Dead Wives....What a crock!!
Men- Post Current Pictures!!


Comments:

post a comment!

PrincessKissy

Jan 26 @ 8:11AM  
wtxman

Jan 26 @ 8:25AM  
LMFAO Great stuff Sunshine, we need more of this stuff from you
innocent_1

Jan 26 @ 8:39AM  


That was hysterical!!!!!!!
ynot7769

Jan 26 @ 9:12AM  
an oldie but still a goodie......
Pudge2you

Jan 26 @ 9:17AM  
Classic!!
tlc0766

Jan 26 @ 11:16AM  
Lisa46

Jan 26 @ 3:06PM  
I loved it !!!
StraddleMyNose

Jan 26 @ 4:44PM  
I have never heard that one before.
Argit01

Jan 27 @ 6:54AM  
CaliburOfSoul

Mar 13 @ 11:27PM  

OMG! That was TOO FUNNY! I can imagine all of that happening too from the voices to the expressions on everyone's face! LOL! Now excuse me please... I have to go to the hospital because I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe! LOL! LOL!
All hail this super funny story!
badkarma989

Mar 22 @ 10:40AM  

I hurt!

free dating | mission statement | testimonials | safety warning | report abuse | safe list | privacy | legal | 2257 | advertise | link to us

© Copyright 2000-2014 Online Singles, LLC.
OS-WEB01
Too funny not to share....JOKE