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TACO BELL........................Part Two

posted 3/14/2014 5:36:55 PM |
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Juan Pablo and Andi get into a dune buggy. Thank goodness they’re getting this quality dune buggy time in to properly determine their compatibility. The dune buggy hits a pothole, forcing them to pull over. Now, there’s a camera mounted underneath the dune buggy to give us an ultra-clear view of the pothole disaster. I’m not certain that this pothole disaster wasn’t completely staged. It’s either staged or ‘The Bachelor’ is staffed by the best camera planning crew ever.

They happen upon a waterfall. You guys! Waterfalls are totally symbolic of love! Hopefully, one of them realizes that and makes the comparison. They sit under the waterfall and no one mentions how love falls like water or how water is falling all around them like love. No one even climbs down anything. This whole date is devoid of love.

After the loveless waterfall, they talk about life while frogs incessantly scream in the background. It has become an ‘End of the Season’ Bachelor tradition to have conversations drowned out by billions of frogs. These producers can plan ahead to get camera shots of pot holes but they can’t schedule a pre-sex conversation more than twenty feet away from screaming frogs.

The Fantasy Suite sex invitation is next. Unlike crazy Clare, Andi doesn’t mess around. She accepts Chris Harrison’s e-vite to have sex with Juan Pablo. She’s all, “Fantasy Suite? More like, fantasy? Sweet!” She doesn’t actually say that. No one would. Andi thanks Juan Pablo for the amazing date that he carefully orchestrated and paid for.

So far, nothing egregious has happened. It’s coming, though. ABC promised.

They go inside and you can still hear the screaming frogs. The frogs are easier to understand than Juan Pablo. They make out. There is much tongue.

After the commercial, all hell breaks loose. Juan Pablo loved his overnight date and thought it went really well. He digs Andi and thinks she can be the Juan.

Andi was not happy with her sex-having experience. She called their night a disaster. Juan Pablo wouldn’t let her talk about her feelings. I hate that. She doesn’t think Juan Pablo cares. I Juander what gave her that idea. Juan Pablo talked about how he also had sex with his other girlfriend and that crosses a line with Andi. You just don’t do that, you guys. Andi is super mad and I am totally digging it. You go, Andi!

Andi wants love but she has come to the realization that it Juon’t happen with Juan Pablo. She cries because she has Juasted her time on Juan Pablo.

Nikki’s date is next. She’s wearing pajama bottoms and the fringe from a lamp shade as a top. It’s Grown Sexy. Juan Pablo is wearing a wife beater with a florescent green pocket. It looks like he has a post-it note on his nipple. As she approaches Juan Pablo, he tells the camera that he likes what they’re going to be doing today a lot. He means intercourse.

They ride horses. ABC, who has proven their undying commitment to clever camera placement, has placed cameras in the horse saddles to capture bouncy and blurry images of Nikki and Juan Pablo’s face. I have no idea who this benefits.

Nikki’s top allows us to see 78% of her boobs. I’m not complaining. I’m just doing the math. If you were Clare’s dead dad, and you had the ability to watch over all of us, you would totally be in St. Lucia watching over Nikki.

Interesting horse riding perspective

There’s a ton of horse riding. It’s fun. Juan Pablo says, “Aye aye aye” for the hundredth time. When we’ve exhausted the far reaches of where horse riding on TV can take us, they sit down on the beach to drink water. There’s a whole pineapple on their beach blanket. Did Bachelor interns provide them with a knife? Don’t answer. I don’t even care anymore.

There are still six hours left in tonight’s show. They drink more alcohol and talk in front of a fire. Juan Pablo scolds Nikki for thinking. This man does not like his women to think. I couldn’t pull off the clothes Nikki wore today but, Juan Pablo would totally dig my lack of thinking.

Nikki and Juan Pablo read Chris Harrison’s Fantasy Suite sex invitation. It comes with a skeleton key for a hotel room. There’s some crack security in a hotel with a skeleton key. You just can’t fabricate skeleton key technology. Nice thinking, ABC. When St. Lucian bandits break into Juan Pablo’s room and steal all of his K-Pop records, you’ll be sorry.

Nikki is worried about the fact that she hasn’t told Juan Pablo that she loves him yet. I’ve tried to hide it and, I don’t know if you guys can tell from reading my recap but, I’ve been really worried about it too. I haven’t slept in days and my skin is itchy.

They slurp faces on a St. Lucian couch. I believe they talk but, I can’t really hear well. The screaming frogs are back. Nikki blurts out that she loves Juan Pablo. She didn’t even give ABC a chance to pipe in soft piano music. It was a very abrupt love pronouncement. ABC hits the gas on sweet music for their post-love-pronouncement make-out session. There is no way that this over-night date is a disaster with the amount of love in the room. It’s almost like a waterfall of love.

Chris Harrison punches in for a Juan-on-Juan interview with everyone’s least favorite soccer player. They hug before they talk. Neither of the men have their sleeve buttons buttoned. It must be warm in St. Lucia.

Chris Harrison has Juan Pablo explain the difference between Venezuelan ‘like’ and American ‘like’. I guess there isn’t much of a difference. So, that’s cleared up. We still have 45 minutes remaining and the only portion left to show is the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo watches video messages from his girlfriends.

Nikki reiterates her love for Juan Pablo, not that we had the chance to forget it. I haven’t forgotten. Clare also reminds Juan Pablo that she’s in love. These girls’ love for Juan Pablo is almost like basic math for me. I couldn’t forget it if I tried. It’s just up in my brain and it always will be.

Andi’s video message is a little different. She isn’t in love. She’s in a different place. It’s far west of love. You’d need a different map to navigate the place Andi is in. As Juan Pablo is watching Andi’s video message, she walks up behind him to give the rest of the message in person. The technology in St. Lucia is amazing. You can do video messages, live messages, and combination live/video messages. What part of Oklahoma is St. Lucia in anyway?

The music provided for Andi’s walk up to Juan Pablo is dramatic. It’s the kind of music used in a suspenseful movie right before they reveal the killer. The killer is Andi. She’s about to kill their relationship. Boom!

This episode is taking forever. When they went to commercial, Andi was walking up the road to meet Juan Pablo. When we return from commercial, she’s on the same road but she’s further away than when we went to commercial! What the hell happened during the commercial? Did she step into another St. Lucian pot hole?

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Mar 14 @ 7:29PM  
Lady Ramrod, I have bad news for you. This guy named Greg Bauch has taken your blog and copied it almost verbatim in his own blog, and never attributed any of it to you:

If I were you, I'd send him a stern letter.

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TACO BELL........................Part Two