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Sex with Juan Pablo, then dumping him.....Part one

posted 3/14/2014 9:14:22 AM |
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No shirt, no shoes, no problem!

I don’t know how ABC plans to top last night’s Funpocalypse, but they’re sure as hell going to try. Juan Pablo visited the homes of four girlfriends last night, met their families, licked the insides of their mouths, and then dumped the one he least wanted to have sex with. Tonight there is going to be more sex happening on my television than on a Cinemax free preview weekend. Three girls remain. Chris Harrison has his Fantasy Suite invitations lined up. It’s time for Juan Pablo to enjoy a little Grown Sexy time. It’s the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo is down to three girlfriends. He will eventually narrow his search down to Juan. The group has flown to St. Lucia. To aid his search for a woman to be a mother to Camila and bear him future Camila siblings, Juan Pablo will have sex with his three girlfriends and then cast off the one who doesn’t do it for him in a dramatic and well-lit rose ceremony. Prostitution is illegal, unless you’re in Nevada or you own a broadcast license. ABC is a big ole’ pimp.

We begin with the promise of St. Lucian yacht jumping and love pronouncements. Something goes wrong with Andi’s Fantasy Suite experience. ABC is trying to lead us to believe that someone is either murdered or violated behind closed doors. It’s a promise of drama. Or, as I like to call it, a dramise.

Bachelor producers continue with the theme of animal destination representation by showing us St. Lucian frogs and lizards. Juan Pablo sits on a balcony. Normally, a Bachelor will stare off into the distance and think about love but, I don’t think Juan Pablo is really thinking about love anymore. He doesn’t seem to think at all. Cameras capture him walking down the street while he talks about how exciting it will be to spend the night with his girlfriends without cameras. He mentions how they’ll be able to “talk”.

Clare gets the first date in St. Lucia. She says, “If you would have told me a year ago that I would be standing in St. Lucia with the man of my dreams falling in love… there is no way I would have believed you.” The weird thing is that, one year ago, four different people told me that I would be standing in St. Lucia with the man of my dreams and I didn’t believe them. Except, in my case, those people were incorrect. I’m standing in Buffalo with drinking problem.

The young and crazy lovers get on a small boat to cuddle and make out in front of the poor guy hired to drive the boat. He drives them to a yacht. Do you drive boats? Anyway, Clare is already stressing about the Fantasy Suite because, the last time she had sex with Juan Pablo back in Vietnam, she got yelled at for it. She doesn’t want that to happen again so she’s acting like she might not accept the invitation. We shall see.

They lay on their yacht for steamy make-out sessions. Clare seems extra chesty. She’s bringing out the big guns in her attempt to open curtain on her dead dad DVD. After Clare talks to the camera about love and how falling in love is scary, she jumps into the ocean with Juan Pablo. Get it, guys? Falling in love is like falling into the ocean! It’s scary! You guys are scared. Admit it.

Later, they go to their Fantasy Hotel. Keep up! Clare talks about how excited she would be to be Camila’s mom and how she’d add love to love. That’s totally a large amount of love. So far, I’m really bored.

Juan Pablo whips out the Fantasy Suite card. Chris Harrison has sent them a personal invitation to have sex with each other. He has really nice hand writing. Clare balks a bit at accepting the sex key. She tells Juan Pablo that she’s afraid he’ll yell at her again for wanting to have sex. He tells her that it’s okay to have sex this time. He doesn’t promise not to yell at her again.

They walk into their romper room. Bachelor interns have lit 4 million candles. This Fantasy Suite will single-handedly melt the polar ice caps. Does St. Lucia not have electricity?

Juan Pablo and Clare drink the intern’s champagne to grease the gears. Clare thinks. Juan Pablo asks her why she’s thinking so much. It’s a weird question, even for Juan Pablo. Clare admits that she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo. There’s super soft piano music and it would totally be an endearing moment if Juan Pablo didn’t keep forcing her head toward his lips to slurp on her. So, Clare has declared her love. It’s official. We can never take that away from her.

Next comes a hot tub make out session. I thought there weren’t supposed to be cameras in here? Anyway, Clare’s date is over.

Andi’s date is next. Eleven people die, I guess. That’s what I’ve been told for two weeks. Juan Pablo and Andi walk through the streets, holding hands. They happen upon a steel drum concert. I guess K-Pop hasn’t taken over St. Lucia yet. Like, what are the chances of there being a steel drum concert the same weekend that Juan Pablo and his three girlfriends are in town? Answer me!

So Juan Pablo and Andi walk up on stage to play the steel drums. There is very little security in St. Lucia. I didn’t think you were allowed to join steel drum bands without a permit. This show has no rules.

Next, they eat food with three random kids at a picnic table. Juan Pablo has repeatedly said that he wants a boy. Maybe this is his lucky day. Juan Pablo buys juice for the kids. Andi is super impressed. Next, they play soccer. I guess that fills my spots quota but, I’ve got to be honest with you. The sex-having is more sportsy than a beach pick-up soccer game.

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Mar 14 @ 9:47AM  
This seems to be the standard culture today unfortunately. America in decline in just about everything these days. Morals are thrown right out the window.

Mar 14 @ 12:57PM  
This seems to be the standard culture today unfortunately. America in decline in just about everything these days. Morals are thrown right out the window.

Yeah, and the damned kids won't stay off of the lawn, either. Why, in my day...

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Sex with Juan Pablo, then dumping him.....Part one