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satire - TEN THINGS COMING IN THE NEXT 50-YEARS

posted 7/10/2013 6:28:47 AM |
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  J1958

In view of our obsession with the moment and our complete refusal to consider the future today's activity will produce, we are making it easy on you by posting 10-likely results.

1 – A President who breaks into a fiddle-playing frenzy during the most unlikely moments. He will be elected to pick up the pieces of a past administration led by an Alfred E. Newman clone who used golf clubs in the same way our new White House resident uses the fiddle. Both will wear the same lapel pin, reading, “What -- Me Worry?”

2 – A new word with a decidedly insulting sound designed to describe people who are still complaining about the total absence of privacy in American lives. The new word will stereotype the complainers in much the same way words like misogynist, homophobic, and capitalist pig were used to describe previous geezers who just couldn’t put the past behind them.

3 – A marvelous new chip implanted at birth that analyzes the human’s thoughts and delivers the results directly to data banks at the newly organized Department of Patriotism. The plan will be sold to the American public on the basis of the millions we will save collecting data about what the people want. No more need for demonstrations, third party initiatives, letters to congress or radio talk shows.

4 – An end to parenthood and a conscription of all newborns into an army of state-educated citizens. This will be sold to us as a method of eliminating discrimination on the basis of privilege inherited at birth.

5 – An end to luxury cars and clothing that might suggest wealth. This will follow an end to wealth, which will be preceded by nasty new words to describe those who once had it. It will be accompanied by a new one-car-fits-all model and identical costumes for everyone as a further measure designed to insure equality for everyone.

6 – An amendment to the U.S. Constitution making it a federal crime to falsely yell, “Fire!” in a crowded theater. The amendment will carry a rider including speech that hurts the feelings of ANYONE.

7 – Love Management and Recovery Clinics for those still experiencing this emotion. “Love” will take its place beside bigotry, prejudice and racism as a form of discrimination in that it must favor one person over others in order to exist.

8 – A “Talent Tax” that compels gifted people to donate their exceptional abilities to the “common pot” rather than use them for personal enrichment. If you have more, you should pay more.

9 – A new Mount Rushmore with all new faces, including those of Al Sharpton, Helen Gurly Brown, Jessee Jackson, Ellen DeGeneris and Barrack Obama.

10 – A new god called “Mother Earth” along with a new list of commandments designed to inspire shame and guilt in those whose activity would offend dirt or rearrange it for the benefit of humanity.

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Comments:

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LadyRamRod_

Jul 11 @ 11:41PM  
Very good, I think 2 and 10 are the best
DanteAlighieri

Jul 12 @ 1:10AM  
A couple more for your consideration.

(a) Bin Laden University, former Harvard University recently changed their enrollment criteria. According to President Mohammed Obama, grandson of former President and King Barry Obama, tuition rates for Muslim men will be eliminated. On another note......What once was known as the "Combat Zone" is now the site for the new Obama Library.

(b) 60 closet conservatives were arrested today, then bound, gagged and sent to the Liberalville lockup facility in Hollywood, DC. Desperately clinging to their books, the group is being held for violation of the current "Don't Ask, Don't Yell" initiative which prohibits non gays to resist spot check pat-downs under the Barney Frank Law.

J1958

Jul 12 @ 2:02AM  
Dante...noted and included in the forthcoming second issue. And, BTW, don't you think it must be hell for a guy like Barny Frank to live with being named after a wiener?
TwistAndShout

Jul 12 @ 7:37AM  
A quick question, J... did you write this, or was this written by the persona on here who called herself "HairyTwat" (or something similar) and claimed she ghost-wrote your material?
J1958

Jul 12 @ 2:37PM  
A quick question, J... did you write this, or was this written by the persona on here who called herself "HairyTwat" (or something similar) and claimed she ghost-wrote your material?

That's a good question, amigo...in view of X's history on this site. I wrote this and all the other posts on this site. She has not written for me in a long time.
TwistAndShout

Jul 12 @ 4:47PM  
It didn't seem like it. Her style was much more literal and somewhat humorless. But I recall some discussion of her role as a ghost-writer for you.

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satire - TEN THINGS COMING IN THE NEXT 50-YEARS