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I "borrowed" this from CL

posted 6/19/2013 9:35:44 PM |
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tagged: sex, hook ups
  Lisa46

Got this from CL and I fell out laughing. This is absolutely wonderful

My CL story
OMG, I can't believe I'm posting in Cl.. I need to feel a man's body against mine. I'm feeling adventurous. I can sit in the comfort of my own apartment, in my decidedly not sexy saggy-ass pajamas, and pick a hot young stud to come over and sex me up. Hooray for the internet, thank you Craig, let's get it on.

268 emails in the course of 24 hours. WHOA. There's the guy who asked if I can wear rainboots while we get it on (???), the guy who is old enough to be my dad and sent me a picture of himself in leather assless chaps (I double-checked to make sure I didn't post in M4M by accident after that), and the desperate 19 year-old who is a virgin but thinks I'd be "perfect" for his first time. I am re-thinking my decision not to go to the bars this weekend. No no, I must be strong, keep the faith. I feel that dick is not far away, I must persist.

I pick you. You look relatively normal. Your email was funny, not too long, not generic. I toss my fate into the wind and see where it will take me.

We exchange pictures. I wonder if that picture of your dick was taken at that angle to make it look bigger? Hmm. Yeah, that picture of me? Well, I sifted through the 200 most recent photos of me and picked the most flattering one. Heh.

We meet up. You look about 5 years older than you do in your picture. That's okay, because I weigh about 10 pounds more now than I did in that picture I sent. But hey, guess what? I'm wearing sexy lingerie. And you're a man, with a penis, I've already screened you, spent two days trading witty emails back and forth with you, and goddammit, I'm gonna fuck you. That's just how it is. I'm too horny to go back now.

After a couple of drinks, it's clear that it's time to do something next. Because it's not polite to tell someone you want their dick inside of you as soon as possible, when you suggest we head to dinner, I agree.

This feels like a date. I didn't want a date. I want sex.

Okay, pseudo-date continues. Fine. I still want your dick in me, as soon as possible.

We head back to my place. FINALLY. We make out for a little bit. Did you forget to shave this morning? That "soul patch" you have? First of all, it's really circa 1992. Secondly, it's giving me stubble-burn. I'm going to have a stupid-ass looking soul patch stubble burn mark tomorrow. Fuck. I keep kissing you because like I said, I want your dick inside of me as soon as possible.

Ha ha, you're wearing "Vote for Pedro" boxers. I forgive you for the soul patch. Actually, I think "Pedro" might be voting for me right now :)

Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral.

UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems.

Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough.

You slip on a condom, and start the old "hump and grunt." You hump. You grunt. I'm not sure, but my bed might have just become a time machine, and I think we're back in 1998, because this is how boys fucked in high school. How old are you again?

I start thinking about going to the store tomorrow. I think I'm out of cereal. Should I get some more of those pasta things? Maybe I'll try the pesto kind this time.

The hump and grunt continues.

What? You're about to cum? That's nice. Thanks for letting me know. Go right ahead. I'm glad at least you had fun.

You pass out afterwards, and start to snore. I lie there, thinking. I'm totaling up my investment on this little CE situation we have going here:

box of condoms, the good kind: $13
sexy new sweater that I wore: $39
cost of the load of laundry that I will do tomorrow, after your hairy ass gets out of my bed: $3.50
... and, the non-monetary yet incredibly important contribution of my time, which could have been better spent, oh, I don't know, washing my hair or prepping my tax return: roughly 7 hours (three hours of email + four hours of pseudo date + bad sex)

.....Learning why I should stop browsing casual encounters and just use my vibrator instead: PRICELESS.

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by Lisa46:
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Common Courtesy
I "borrowed" this from CL
A very Happy Birthday!
Pet Peeves?
Relation, Death and regrets?
Tom's Surgery
So What to YOU think?
Oops I blew it
Pampered Myself
Home Remedies
on strike??
Boring restless Day so I can ramble
Have A Bad Day To Get Into Heaven
What is the grossest thing you've had to do?
What a morning
SBC Warning!!
Well hell you guys!
Age,
Itinerary of a sport team in a hotel
Retirement At 65
married couple
The Tree Hugger
Another old couple


Comments:

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cottoncandydragon

Jun 19 @ 11:51PM  
Awesome! And I hate to say it, but......been there!
Wordsofwit

Jun 20 @ 7:10AM  
Greenie for ya
Wordsofwit

Jun 20 @ 7:19AM  
I hate to say it, but......been there!

Ah, yes, now I recall that evening. I am surprised that you remember... you rather drunk at the time
sugarnspice005

Jun 20 @ 11:29AM  



Too funny!!!!!!!


Cotton, I think most of us ladies have "been there" before.
J1958

Jun 22 @ 5:30PM  
Wow! No wonder so many men are becoming fags. I wonder who gave women the idea that a man who really knows how to make a woman feel good would be attracted to such an attitude.

I also wonder why women think shoes that make their feet look as large as possible are sexy. I wonder why they think decorating their bodies with tats that make them look like drunken sailors will appeal to a man or embedding chrome in their bodies is, somehow, erotic.

I wondered the same thing about shoulder pads back in the 80's. Why would a sensible woman want to look like a linebacker?

The problem getting the dick you really want is that you have to appeal to men who have it. You have perfectly described the only kind of man you're likely to attract with such an attitude.

I'll say it for the 10,000th time...there are only two kinds of people in the world -- the males and the females. If you want a REAL man, stop trying to attract him by looking like one yourself. Instead, try separating yourself from male thinking and explore an opposite agenda.

I honestly wouldn't care what a woman looked like, if I knew such prose as this was going through her head. It really disgusts me. Hell, Lady Ga Ga is more attractive than this.

If you're offended by these comments, imagine how a man would feel reading the tripe in this post.
TwistAndShout

Jun 22 @ 8:14PM  
If you're offended by these comments, imagine how a man would feel reading the tripe in this post.

The only men who would be offended by Lisa46's post would be the ones who are afraid they might be being described in it. The rest of us can laugh at it.

Think women are offended by your comment? Nah. They recognize that you're merely whining about a world that left you behind years ago. Hang it up and check into the nearest nursing home, gramps.

needsomenow789

Jun 22 @ 10:43PM  
I really got a good laugh out of TwistAndShout's comment " check in to the nearest nursing home, check your birth certiface dude, your only two years younger, try using your noodle before you speak.
Just my two cents
J1958

Jun 23 @ 1:35AM  
you're merely whining about a world that left you behind years ago. Hang it up and check into the nearest nursing home, gramps.

This is why the regulars on this site are unable to learn ANYTHING from wiser folk. The subject of the post is not MY AGE -- it's the dubious interior dialog of the narrator. I try to avoid the intellectual bullying my superior age makes possible, but you are begging for it.

If there is anything to be learned by the fact that I am older than you, it's that I know everything you know and THEN SOME. I did not exactly sleep through the years I was alive before you were born.

One of the most amusing things about a comment like this is its transparency. Obviously written by one of those wimpy panty-boys who wants to be tied up, gagged and flogged by some wench in leather boots, the comment betrays the writer as a man who can only resent men because he's just not qualified.
J1958

Jun 23 @ 2:08AM  
I really got a good laugh out of TwistAndShout's comment " check in to the nearest nursing home, check your birth certiface dude, your only two years younger, try using your noodle before you speak.
Just my two cents

Needsome...it's best to overlook the elderly curmudgeon. It's a popular misconception among stupid old men that all people are required to grow dumber as they grow older.
Lisa46

Jun 23 @ 2:09AM  
J1958 I don't believe we've met before nor do I want to. But I am a regular on this site, and I've learned a lot. 1. Stick up for myself and my beliefs 2. If you can't say anything nice don't say it. 3. Don't post bullshit on someone else's blog. You really should learn from us youngsters and remember the manners you must have been taught.

This is why the regulars on this site are unable to learn ANYTHING from wiser folk. The subject of the post is not MY AGE -- it's the dubious interior dialog of the narrator. I try to avoid the intellectual bullying my superior age makes possible, but you are begging for it.


If your comments are proof of your superior age dude your in a pack of trouble. IMO
TwistAndShout

Jun 23 @ 8:07AM  
really got a good laugh out of TwistAndShout's comment " check in to the nearest nursing home, check your birth certiface dude, your only two years younger, try using your noodle before you speak.
Just my two cents

My comment had less to do with chronological age and more to do with J1958's constantly carping about the way the world is today. That's why I told him to hang it up and check into a nursing home. He's the classic old fart yelling at the kids for stepping on his lawn.

Needsome...it's best to overlook the elderly curmudgeon. It's a popular misconception among stupid old men that all people are required to grow dumber as they grow older.

J1958, nearly every comment you make on here is a whine about the nature of the world, today, laced with barbs at whomever it is you believe is representative of that world.. So if we are to overlook the elderly curmudgeon, I believe that would clearly be you we are overlooking. You're the epitome of curmudgeonhood.
sugarnspice005

Jun 23 @ 10:43AM  
Lisa, kudo for you comment.
soft_touch938

Jun 23 @ 10:44AM  
Hi Lisa (((hugs)))

Anyhoo....I'm tip-toeing in the front door to leave you a kudo...yeah, it's a been there/done that for me, too. Other than that, I'll ignore the other so-called 'Wisdom of the ages' and just head on out the back. See ya.
aftershocks

Jun 23 @ 11:28AM  
I am not offended by this post, and although I chuckled at the sad truths in this posting, I think it does point out some serious stuff.

There is alot of mediocrity out there in this world. There is alot of mediocre sex going on. Mediocre "hump and grunt" sex between husbands and wives. Mediocre "hump and grunt" sex between one night stand and Craigslist hookups. Been there done that.

Life is too short to settle for mediocrity. I get far too many messages from mediocre guys, with mediocre attitudes. I am female and have a pulse. Not very high expectations.

I am not sure all the attacks on J1958's comments were warranted. Granted, his comments might have been better placed in a separate blog.

This blog was intended to inspire a chuckle. I laughed then found myself disturbed by the description of mediocrity and passionless sex.

Maybe J1958 didn't laugh at all. But he was not the only one who was disturbed by the sad truths found in this "humorous" post,
J1958

Jun 23 @ 12:58PM  
Awrite...I surrender. Maybe I do complain a little too loudly, but the comments about my complaints demonstrate beautifully why there is so much room for a barb or two.

To wit: The entire post is one continuous denigration of the male gender. It was funny the first 100 times I saw it in TV sit coms, commercials on TV, and magazine articles. My humor is drying up at the stereotype. You should see the comments such an article about women inspire..."misogynist," "reprobate," "pig." the only word we have for women who do this to men is "moron."

Take a lesson from your grandma...if you are weary of men treating you like a device, do something to inspire their passion, instead of speaking and behaving like a sailor on leave. The same man who treats you like a an object he bought at the bookstore will treat another woman like a princess...It begins with Y O U.
Lisa46

Jun 23 @ 2:55PM  
J1958 this blog is to make people smile men and women. YOU took it to the extreme for which I was not happy about. If you want to bitch do it on your own blogs. NONE of mine portray any of the bullshit you wrote about. As far as I'm concerned you are a better than thou person with a shitty attitude. And you brought it all on yourself. So in the future please don't comment on anything I may write. My friends know I don't participate in the bull that goes on here. So please don't include me or mine in yours
J1958

Jun 23 @ 5:33PM  
There are hundreds of sexist and racist jokes dreamed up to make people smile. They don't work on all people.

I don't care why you posted this crap or what you're trying to accomplish. I only care about what the piece provokes in me and that is the fountain from which my comments spring.

If you don't want the public to comment on your post, don't post it on a public blog. If you want to control what people think of what you write, you better start with another dude. I don't want to argue with you. I want to argue with your point of view. Let's talk about what you wrote, instead of me and my reaction.
Lisa46

Jun 24 @ 12:13AM  
I don't want to argue with you. I want to argue with your point of view. Let's talk about what you wrote, instead of me and my reaction.


My point of view is none of your phucking business. Your an ass and a supposedly know it all.
J1958

Jun 24 @ 2:48AM  
Your an ass and a supposedly know it all.

Please don't hate me just because I'm handsome.
Wordsofwit

Jun 24 @ 11:40AM  
So much for giggles and grins after reading, then skimming, the skipping the comments
Wordsofwit

Jun 25 @ 7:08AM  
Well, sometimes these things actually work out and turn into successful LTRs. Women have libidos also and BOB only does so much. Every woman has memories of hot times and knows that a good roll in the hay may be doable. If it leads to romance cool. But often it can be like the story

From the guy's POV, the drag is when the woman spreads her legs and that is the last movement from her there is There are a lot of women who really think that to be good in bed, all that they have to do is show up and be available
Wordsofwit

Jun 25 @ 7:13AM  
Please don't hate me just because I'm handsome.

If your health insurance covers optometry, you should consider taking advantage of the benefits... same for a proctologist
TwistAndShout

Jun 25 @ 7:29AM  
I laughed then found myself disturbed by the description of mediocrity and passionless sex.

Nobody has to settle for mediocrity.

I think there are three basic dynamics that cause mediocre sex. The first, and perhaps the most common, happens when sex is nothing more than an attempt to get off without any concern for your partner's satisfaction. And most of the time this is a male transgression, simply because it's pretty easy for a guy to get off.

The second results from thinking you know the secret of giving any sexual partner satisfaction and applying the same technique to any partner. If you can't pay attention to sexual cues, you're not likely to be doing what works for the person you're fucking. Both men and women are guilty of this one. The other side of the coin is that if you're not willing to give cues, you shouldn't be disappointed that you're not receiving what you want.

The third is plain old sexual incompatibility. Not everyone can have good sex with everyone else. If you require a steady diet of BDSM but your partner likes it only as an occasional spice, it ain't going to work. If you like dirty, wet, messy sex, you won't have great sex with someone who dislikes contact with bodily fluids and wants to wash up two seconds after you finish.

One night stands can work, but I think it's a crapshoot. When I was younger I did them with some regularity. I eventually concluded that the downside exceeded the upside.
sugarnspice005

Jun 25 @ 10:58AM  
From the guy's POV, the drag is when the woman spreads her legs and that is the last movement from her there is

And I cannot fathom how any woman thinks that's all there is to it. That is just not my idea of fun....there are so many things two people can do when it comes to making love/fucking, girl on top, doggy style, using things like ice, foreplay, toys, and so on......how some women think it's all about just the open wide and lay there while the man does all the work.....they are either inexperienced or have no ambition to put in 50/50 on the enjoyment.
dr3arms

Jun 30 @ 12:56AM  
hey Lisa, hey all. CL can be a magical place of freakish kinkiness, bad connections, and most importantly of all, and this is the after school special, gigantic assholes. SPEAKING OF WHICH!

J'58! You colonel sanders looking mother fucker, I bet you're the douche bag filled with aids ridden vag water she's talking about. You are on the low end of the spectrum my friend, nothing to complain about, it just means your already non inflating fake dick hasm ore than a few holes in it. Look, I get where your coming from, and apparently 958's coming into you, but that's a gripe for another time. You think that for whatever reason, that you'll just wander back to fucking rabid goats, otherwise known in old timey language as shimmering the walnut tree, but I'm here to tell you to knock it the fuck off you hobo.

buh-bye, and don't let the cactus fuck you on the way out.

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I "borrowed" this from CL