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deceptions white lies and avoiding conflict

posted 4/13/2013 4:28:01 PM |
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  aftershocks

I recently had a relationship end when my primary partner met another woman. We were in an open relationship so it was NOT an issue that he met another woman. It was the lies. He avoided telling me, made excuses for not getting together but pretended that things were otherwise normal. I felt some jealousy but the bigger issue was that he lied, wasn't honest with me about his feelings. He claimed he was trying to protect me. I thought he was a straight up person and nearly incapable of lying . I thought that with an open relationship we would not have a reason to lie to each other in matters of love.

We have been civil, and he insists he still wants to be friends, but I have found myself saying that I have higher standards for friends. We can be friendly acquaintances. I won't avoid him, but I can no longer trust him. I have no idea how many lies he has told me over time.

I suspect that he learned to lie to keep the peace with his wife before she died. I would be fine continuing to have a relationship or a friendship if he were honest about it. but now I know that he lies. It is a part of his personality and coping mechanism in life. I can no longer respect him or trust him. I don't hate him, I still find him attractive and charming, but the lack of genuineness and truthfulness is a deal breaker.

I find myself wondering how much lying is part of our culture. I notice that most of the 'I LOVE LUCY' episodes are built on the premise of spouses lying to each other. A friend who made a $500 purchase at a dept store was offered a bag with out the store label, "so her husband won't find out", enabling the deceipt between partners.

So do you expect to be lied to by the people you love? Do you find that you need to lie? Am I crazy to expect openness in a relationship?

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Comments:

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MsPat

Apr 13 @ 4:40PM  
Occasionally I wish my ex would have continued to lie to me, then I could have stayed with him and my kids could have grown up in a home with there mom and dad. A long marriage, 50+ years was always a goal of mine.. it was not to be. That is really the only thing I regret in my past, that I wasn't strong enough to stay.
sawduster

Apr 13 @ 4:41PM  
Shocks, in the last two years I have come to the conclusion that people will lie as often as not. Relatives, friends, and the general public. I'd like to think someone is telling me the truth, but there are very few folks that I feel really do. Always there is something they aren't telling you, or they go around the subject. Personally, I'd rather someone tell me they hate my guts than to have that same person suddenly shut me out, or just shut up and say nothing.
mynameismarie

Apr 13 @ 7:09PM  
From my friends and family I don't expect to be lied to. Unfortunately in a relationship I say I do (expect to be lied to), but will avoid accepting that for the longest time. I've been known to say, for all the good it has done, I may not like the truth but I sure appreciate it! No, I don't find a need to lie. I may skirt around the truth if asked. My motto is, if you don't want a truthful answer, don't ask the question of me.
Nope, don't think your crazy to want openness! I do think it may be hard to come by though. Best of luck!
RJ53

Apr 13 @ 7:11PM  
I don't think there is a totally honest person alive. It is the degree of the lies where the problem starts, How many times have we told our kids their art made just for mommy or daddy was wonderful when it really looked like Picasso had a bad acid trip? Or that someone looked pretty when they were anything but pretty that day but we wanted to make them feel good, or the big one told someone they were better in bed than the facts backed up? Everyone lies to some extent and knows people lie to us, It all depends on where your line is of what lies you will tolerate or not tolerrate are,
TwistAndShout

Apr 13 @ 7:12PM  
I expect honesty, and I hold myself to it as well. I think most people occasionally withhold some small pieces of information - frustrations at work or with friends or family, maybe - from their significant other, and if it's small that's not a deal breaker.

On the other hand, if you're withholding information because you know he or she will be angry, hurt, or otherwise unhappy with you if they knew, that's being dishonest and that is a dealbreaker.

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deceptions white lies and avoiding conflict