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I'm gonna ramble, just cause I can...

posted 2/28/2013 1:31:44 AM |
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  soft_touch938

...and I'm damn good at it so why not?

I don't have one thing to blog about so I'll just meander here 'n there.

First of all...I went to see the ear, nose 'n throat doctor. I wasn't impressed. He has the personality of a fence post. He took all of about 3 minutes to look in my ears, nose 'n throat and said they looked good. He asked me if I ever got heartburn. "No." I said. So he made his diagnosis...I have silent acid reflux.

Huh? Silent? Acid reflux? He said fluid comes up my esophagus from my stomach, gets thick and that's why I cough to clear it out. He gave me a prescription for generic Zantac...or maybe that;s with a 'x' ? Shrugs... Anyway, we'll see if it works.

The weather is...the weather. Winter. Same shit, different day. Tired of it and ready for spring.

Been wrestling with my damn health insurance. It's this way every frikkin' year. My insurance man put me on one insurance for January until I could get approved for supplemental insurance which I was approved and it was suppose to start in February. So what did the supplemental insurance do? (Anthem) It started my insurance January 1 and took out my premium on Dec. 30th. When my insurance man tried to straighten it out, Anthem had no record of taking my payment out in December. So I had to make a copy of my statement and fax it. They wanted to know if I had the letter of my start date with that January insurance. Hell no! Why keep something one doesn't need anymore...I'd been approved and was moved to Medicare with Anthem as my supplement.

I got a little crochety with them..I said, "Why should I have to show a letter of proof? You guys should have it in my records!" Well, as a matter of fact, yes they did. I had been getting bills for my premium from Anthem and gave them to my insurance company. Then I got a letter from Anthem threatening to cancel my insurance if I didn't pay up...I was PISSED! Another phone call. I have been told it has been straightened out and the December payment will be transfered to February. Now I wait...is it really fixed? Shrugs.....we'll see....'

I assume seniors...I mean, really OLD seniors who don't have it all together, they must have someone handling their insurance for them because it can get damn messy! I think I have a pretty sharp mind and it all goes over my head.

Let's see, what else...

I found out the other day that an old friend of mine and her husband lost their home to a fire about 3 weeks ago. Their son lives across the street from me and they moved in with him until their new house can be built. My gaud, I cannot imagine losing everything to a fire! That's one of my biggest fears!

Anyway, as soon as I found out, I told them about Susie's ministry of clothing to the homeless. We also want to provide for those who have lost everything to fire or other disasters. So Judy went with Susie yesterday morning and she was able to get a LOT for her and her husband. She was so grateful. Someone had given her a winter coat that was really too small and I had a really nice one that I never wore so I gave it to her tonight...it fit her perfectly and she loved it. It makes one feel so good to help others. It's humbling, too. There but for the grace of God, go I.....

Now that my eyes have finally settled in to new glasses, I've been reading a lot. That's one of the reasons I don't blog so much lately...gaud it's good to be able to read again!

In fact, I'm not doing much of anything but laying back and enjoying what's left of winter. I have my house in order and most of my bigger Zelda projects done so I can finally just coast and I'm loving it! I started playing my keyboard organ again the other day. Geez I'm really rusty! But it was fun and I want to keep at it until I get my old talent back where I can play like I use to in church.

You know, over the years on AMD, I am probably the oldest person here in blogland. I've written blogs about being old. It amuses me that a lot of you 'young pups' just can't relate. Old age is far in the distance for you and you prefer not to think about it. That will change, trust me.

At 68, getting old and dying crosses my mind sometimes every day. Do I worry about it? Not really because that would be wasted energy. But I do run scenarios through my mind about it and what it might be like 5, 10 years down the line. What will I be like if I live to be as old as my Mother before she died at 98? Where will I be? Who will take care of me?

My health worries me and it perplexes me that I can't seem to connect the dots that I could be in trouble if I don't lose weight and quit smoking. I could possibly survive a heart attack but a stroke could render me almost helpless...I NEED to quit smoking so why can't I?

Some of you young'uns don't realize what it's like to see friends, friends of friends and/or relatives obituaries in the paper...sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, someone you know has died. Other's have strokes or heart attacks or get dementia or whatever and end up in nursing homes to sit in wheelchairs and wait to die.

Continued in comments.....

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When Darkness Comes (story) ch. 6
When Darkness Comes (story) ch. 5
When Darkness Comes (story) ch.4
When Darkness Comes (story) Ch. 3
When Darkness Comes (story) Ch. 2
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Comments:

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soft_touch938

Feb 28 @ 1:32AM  
I never gave this much thought 20 years ago or if I did, it seemed it was something that wouldn't affect me or at least it was something I needn't think about. And I suppose it really wasn't necessary during those years. But it seems surreal that it now is a topic that truly involves me and sometimes I feel kinda stunned...how did this happen? When did I begin to slow down? When did the struggle begin where things I normally found so easy to do, became harder and harder?

My health is reasonably good...for my age. Yet sometimes things happen that scare the hell outta me. Take the other night, for instance. For many years I have been prone to colitis attacks. That would be a colon problem where one is unable to have a bowel movement and the pain can be excruciating and it may take hours before you get relief. I haven't been bothered with it for years...until the other night...

It came on rather sudden. A few sharp pains during the evening and by bedtime, I felt sure I could just take a crap and go to bed. Well, it didn't happen. I sat down on the stool and nothing happened except the pain kicked into a range well above 10. I immediately felt sick to my stomach and lightheaded. I decided I wasn't gonna wait it out. I would give myself an enema to get things going.

I found my "tools" and went to the kitchen to fill the bag. At the sink, suddenly I felt I might be in trouble. I began to shake badly and my legs went weak. My head got fuzzy and I felt...well, I can only say my head felt weird. I thought I might be having a stroke! I briefly wondered if I should call Susie. No. If I could use the bathroom, her presence worrying about me might make me tense enough to not be able to go...and I didn't wanna cry wolf...it was a little too soon to call for help.

I thought about that later and it was rather funny. If I'd have called 911 and they asked what was wrong...what was I to say? "Well, I can't shit!" Can you imagine their reaction to THAT??? "Say that again...you can't what?"

I CAN'T SHIT!!!!

It was funny with hindsight but you know what? It got my attention that there are a lot of gray areas...when DO you call for help? If you have a lifeline then when DO you push the button?

Oh...I was able to make it back to the bathroom and I was successful without the enema but the pain was horrible and although the shaking calmed down, it stayed with me and so did the nausea and the weird feeling in my head but it slowly improved and after probably 30 minutes I was able to go to bed.

But there's a little nagging fear that has stayed with me ever since. I know it does no good to worry about the future yet I do wish I could afford a lifeline because you know...anything can happen and sometimes getting to a phone may not be possible.

You know, when I was say 40 or 50, I figured if I didn't get killed or die young, if I lived to die of old age then I probably had maybe around 40 years or so to go. That seemed forever. Now at 68, I'll be lucky to have 20 years. Twenty years ain't so long folks. It's true, the older you get the faster time goes.

I have one consolation. I have good daughters and I know they will take good care of me. If possible, Susie will take care of me. I don't want to be a burden but then I think of Mom. Us girls, although we sometimes squabbled over schedules or treatment plans for Mom, not one of us ever resented or begrudgingly cared for her.

Becoming incapacitated is scary. Being alone and becoming stricken is scary. It can happen at any age but the older one gets, the higher the risks. My death is not in my hands. There will probably come a time when my life is not longer in my hands. Others will control my life and frankly, I hope I don't live very long once that happens. I know, I have no say over my future...what will happen, will happen.

I'm sure I have too much time on my hands now so something like this bugs me. I'm hoping spring will wash away these morbid thoughts with warm breezes and pretty flowers...and busyness. I may not have a spring in my step anymore but I do feel pretty good. I thank God that my mind is still sharp even if my body is turning mutiny on me. I'm a fighter and I'll go out fighting for sure.

Anyway...enough rambling. I shoulda been in bed 2 hours ago! Ya'll have a good night...or a good day.

Be safe, be warm 'n keep smilin'....

Hugs
Softie
Zeus99

Feb 28 @ 2:47AM  
Ahh, softie, you'll outlive us all with your attitude. And the 911 call, couldn't help but laugh at that. Keep rambling because it's normal no matter what your age. Everyone has the same thoughts. Just shove them in the back with all the rest of LIFE's luggage.

And thanks for leaving out the weather report.....that topic has been beat to death (no pun intended).


Take care...... got to go, there's the elevator for my floor.

As ever was,
Drcocktail
Linda318

Feb 28 @ 3:17AM  
Softie, I know now what you are going through with you insurance because I am going through it all for the first time. Which one is the best for me, which one has the best plan that I need, and which one can I afford, I never knew there were so many plans to choose from.
Wordsofwit

Feb 28 @ 8:18AM  
getting old and dying crosses my mind sometimes every day.

The thing is, you mention it, I mention it, and a lot of people I know mention it. That is because it is a factor that is brought forth by so many people we know that have recently died, or people that our friends knew had recently died.

I know that I am much more prone to thinking about it when there is a health related incident. The other day I swallowed some water the wrong way, the wrong wind pipe as my mother used to say, and I was in distress after awhile. I obviously was able to recoup but the thoughts that ran through my head

One was to call 911 but I didn't. I figured that by the time they would have gotten here due to the weather I would have already croaked, so never mind

Another was as this happened around nine in the morning, my corpse might not be discovered for at least seven hours. I wondered if after seven hours the decomposition would have advanced enough to start stinking

Weird thoughts
hog77297

Feb 28 @ 9:43AM  
Softie, I'll be 66 in june so I'm not that far behind you. I to think of death once in a while and have had a scare are two. My greatest fear is of a stroke and someone having to care for me {wipe my butt, dress me, feed me ] Hell just let me have the big one I'm not atraid to die, especally if it don't hurt. LOL
I think these thought's just come with age and the relization that we are getting closer to closing our book of life and we all want to write at least one more chapter!
So SOftie I think you should just start a new book becausw as good as you write you'll live a really long time and I will get to read more of your storys. Also It will make most of us live longer just waiting on the next chapter!
Hell were not old just well sesoned!l
sugarnspice005

Feb 28 @ 11:13AM  
I'm in agreement, bring on Spring. So tired of winter.

Yeah, getting old is something I try not thinking about, still got a lot of living left to do. You're right, can't relate to it, and honestly, don't want to. I remember Mick's mom told me once that a person gets to a point where they accept and are "ready". At this point, I can't comprehend that.

OMG!!!!! Softie, keep a damn phone with you!!! Or get life alert. That had to have been a scary thing to go through. Glad to see you're ok.
soft_touch938

Feb 28 @ 4:37PM  
Well Zeus or Mr. Cocktail...I'll certainly not outlive all of you...that's a scary thought as I would be all alone then. But the journey with you all until I depart is an enjoyable one. And yes...lots of luggage tucked back there so maybe my thoughts of being old and infirm needs to join the rest of life's crap back in the recesses of my mind...thanks for the suggestion.

And yes, the weather....'nough said. Hope you didn't miss your elevator. As for mine...sometimes methinks it often doesn't go all the way to the top...LOL Oh well...

Linda...I might suggest finding an insurance company that handles medicare and retirement insurance. I don't believe an individual can sort it out alone. Two years ago, I thought I might not be getting the best deal when trying to choose insurance on my own so I looked for help. I talked with a gal that worked extensively with retirement insurance and she told me that you're better off to stay with Medicare and then get a supplement. I'm finding quickly that she is right. But you'll need help with finding the right company for the supplement. Good luck!

WoW, you're probably one of the few here that can relate to my morbid wonderings. When the joints are stiff and the knees hurt or the hips feel like bone on bone then one knows...I have arrived...sigh. I have had a few of them moments when something unexpected happened (and yes, choking has been one of them) and my life doesn't flash before my eyes...I'm too busy trying to stay alive and grappling with whether to dial 911.

Hog...yeah, as long as dying doesn't hurt. I've heard it said..."I ain't afraid of being dead but it's the dying part that scares the hell outta me." Now...I need to apologize. I didn't mean to lie to you but I did...I said I'd write a story and then I didn't. Once I get these comments answered, I will start a story. What do you want? Mystery? Romance? Drama? Fantasy? Just name it.

Sugar...you're really just a 'young pup' from my vantage point. As for being 'ready'...that usually refers to those who know the end is near. My sister's and I knew when Mom was finally ready. Somehow people that close just have a 'knowing' and they accept the inevitable and make peace with it. As for me? Spiritually I'm ready but otherwise...NOT!

I don't keep my cell phone on me. I can't put it in my bra (too hot...lol) or even in a case because any pressure on any key and it lights up the screen and that runs my battery down real quick. Did I ever tell you about the time I had it in my bra at an auction and accidently called my sister? I didn't hear a thing but for about 4 minutes she kept shouting 'hello' and listened to the auctioneers in the background. Not too long ago my daughter wanted to know if I 'butt called' her. Huh??? Butt called? That's sitting on your phone and accidently calling someone. She listened to my car radio and me singing 'til she realized I didn't mean to call her...lol.
Wordsofwit

Feb 28 @ 8:05PM  
I will start a story. What do you want? Mystery? Romance? Drama? Fantasy? Just name it.

Erotic, perverse, sleazy, debauchery works for me
Wordsofwit

Feb 28 @ 8:15PM  
Did I ever tell you about the time I had it in my bra at an auction and accidently called my sister? I didn't hear a thing but for about 4 minutes she kept shouting 'hello' and listened to the auctioneers in the background. Not too long ago my daughter wanted to know if I 'butt called' her. Huh??? Butt called? That's sitting on your phone and accidently calling someone. She listened to my car radio and me singing 'til she realized I didn't mean to call her...lol.


So it is talking titties and a bullshitting butt. Where is a fart when you need one

The grins and giggles I got out of that is worth a green thingie

soft_touch938

Feb 28 @ 8:47PM  
I'm glad I could make you laugh hun 'n thanks for the green thingy! Oh, by the way, if I wrote a story, you'd really read it? Hmmmmmmm So you want one that is down 'n dirty. I haven't wrote one of those for a long time...I'll see what I can do. Maybe make it a mixture of all those subjects...whata challenge!
StraddleMyNose

online now!
Mar 1 @ 5:28AM  
Some of you young'uns don't realize what it's like to see friends, friends of friends and/or relatives obituaries in the paper
I have seen a few of my friends obits here and there in the newspaper over the last 30 years. True, may not be that many since most of my friends are young, but it hits ya like a ton of bricks when it catches your eye.

My mom is almost 66, and I know she almost always go for that first in the newspaper anymore it seems. But then she had been a nurse dating back to 32 years ago until her retirement last year, and had cared for many patients in the hospital during those years, so that stands to reason for her interests as she developed a friendship and/or professional relationships with many of them.
BABYDOLL666

Mar 1 @ 12:48PM  
Reading your blog had me thinking of the time i did my placement in a home care facility when i was taking my personal support worker care course...ive seen things i didnt want to see how nurses used the patients as a learning tool instead of treating them like they where humans i really disgusted me i couldnt watch...made me think what if one day thats my parents laying in these poor peoples places...they where teaching us on how to properly clean a patients genitals and these where elderly people who where on the floor of those who could not do for themselves made me sad needless to say i couldnt handle the job so i quit everything i saw made me sad or sick in the way they where treated.
ive been faced with death at a young age from losing grandparent,,,to uncles,...to friends its not something thats easy .
like everyone else i also think of death and im only 31 only problem is my death doesnt scare me but the death of people i love does...doesnt makes sence does it,,,,
Im happy to see some one your age has a good sence of humour about certain things you seem like one sweet lady lately ive been faced with people who have no sence of humour its refreshing
As for the 911 call if you need it its there for that if you feel like your in danger use it when i said i was exposed to death at a young age i found my grandmother at home black out in a coma when i was 11 and she passed a few days later but you had a good reason unlike this guy i saw on the news calling 911 9 times to order cheese burgers
But as some one told you you gotta live life like theres no tomorow and tell the ones you love that you love them because tomorow is never promised on this note im gonna sign off i think ive written enough and give you a little green monster for your blog
soft_touch938

Mar 1 @ 1:17PM  
Yanno Straddle, way back when, I considered being a nurse but other things intervened. I know now I couldn't have handled it...I get too emotionally involved. But thank God for people like your Mom...we need more like her. Sadly, the older we get, the more we check the obituaries.

Well BD...I can't thank you enough for your comment, kind words and green thingy! It's good to have a new commenter who is reading the blogs and now commenting...we appreciate those who take the time to participate...welcome!

I, too, worked in a nursing home many, many years ago...it was depressing! I, too, had to learn to clean genitals and the worst part of that was the humiliation the patient endured...it was awful.

I watched (and reported) nurses aides mistreating patients only to see no one really cared. I didn't last long either...I tried to make a difference but was up against the system so I quit and went to work in a factory.

Yes, we need to say "I love you" to those whom we love. You, too, sound like a sweet lady and wise also.

Again, thanks for your comment and please continue to join us...there's good people here and those who aren't, aren't worth gettin' fussed about...the key is ignore, ignore, ignore!

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