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Is this all there is????

posted 2/15/2013 2:08:04 AM |
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  soft_touch938

I've been absent again for several days...busy, busy, busy...

I just leaned back in my big ol chair and for awhile, stared at Zelda's screen and mulled over what I could blog about. Sorta like watching my life pass before my eyes...or at least the past 2 years anyway.

Remember me telling you about re-writing all my poems and organizing them? Well, that same day, I also went through some of my notebooks I hadn't perused for a very long time. In the back of one notebook, I found 3 blogs I'd written and I was astounded...I wrote those? A talent that brought tears to my eyes for what use to be.

So while I was leaning back and mulling, my mind sorta took an overall look at my life these past 2 years. It isn't the first time I've wondered why I can't come up with a good blog subject but with backward glances, I get a glimmer of an epiphany....

Life changes...period.

We make changes all our lives and sometimes drastic changes but somehow, the changes we make from, I'd say, 60 (or thereabouts) on, are in a category all their own.

Let me make a disclaimer here before I go on. I am not generalizing senior citizens; the way they age, their interests, their activities or abilities. To each their own. This is my perspective and not to be viewed as an overall statement, nor am I saying I'm right...just my thoughts in general.

Up until I was 60...no, for me, about 62...I was a real go-getter. I could put in as good a day's work as I did when I was 30. I could 'think on my feet' and I pretty much had an opinon about most anything...and didn't mind sharing it. I had a lot of opinions that was, to me, rock solid and a lot of them, when challenged, could make my blood pressure raise considerably. I could read a blog and share my opinons (or feelings) about it and sometimes I just played devil's advocate to see if I could either make people think...or raise a stink...lol. It was stimulating...and fun.

So....what the hell happened? Was it really a change in the blogs...or was it in me?

For ever so long, I've blamed the blogs. Well, now...not so, I'm thinkin'...

I've also blamed my move here 2 years ago. Yeah, my life did take off like a whirlwind and I was too busy to participate much. I wrote about my new life ('n love) but that proverbial light came on in my head and showed me what was a truth for me.

An obvious change was breaking an ingrained habit which was being active in an online community. But that was only a part of it. Aside from blogging about my life in this new setting, I wrote blogs about my 'love life'. and it wasn't so long ago that I wrote a blog about it...and regretted it. I've blogged about our squabbles because it helps to talk about some things and/or get others opinions on some things I don't understand. But there came a time when I felt the need to be more private about that. For one thing, the relationship I'm in is just that, a relationship. But as for personal things in our relationship? I tell very little. It's called respect for her...and for myself. It's called dignity and integrity. There are other things I don't talk about anymore, just about me I mean. Where I use to be an open book, now I feel the need for privacy. And I don't talk about sex because...well, that's a whole other blog...lol.

If ya'll remember, there was a time when I shared my sexual escapades...with detail and sometimes graphically. I didn't give a crap, I was having fun and what anyone thought about the way I lived my life didn't mean chit to me. After all, this was a sex site wasn't it? So what changed?

Me. (again, that's a whole other blog)

Mostly I write blogs about my daily routine which definetely isn't a routine as I am retired and time, for me, is irrelevant. But even as I wrote those blogs, I was aware that they were boring and mundane...and yes, WoW....rambling. I set down at Zelda and most days I just cannot crank out one more blah blog. So what happened that I am unable to find a subject that I can sink my teeth into and write something stimulating?

I've changed...

I've aged...

Yes my dear ones...age mellows and shrugs off life's residue that use to raise the hackles on the back of our necks, raise our blood pressures and send us into spin cycles.

For some (like those on the vanilla side) politics 'n religion sends them into orbit and you know what? That's ok. If they find it stimulating then who are we to piss on their parade? Don't like it? Don't read it. But politics holds no interests for me, never did and I'm dumber than a box of rocks about politics. As for religion, I see a lot of dumb stuff (to me) and I just leave it alone. My belief, their belief...to each his own.

I find as I get older, there's so many things that just doesn't matter anymore. Occasionally someone will post a blog and I briefly get a twinge to speak up with my thoughts but yanno...it just doesn't matter enough to make the effort. Somewhere between the age of 62 and now, the word 'compelled' seems to have disappeared out of my mental dictionary. It's been replaced with mellow.

Continued in comments....

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Blogs by soft_touch938:
Putting in an appearance...
When Darkness Comes...conclusion
When Darkness Comes (story) ch 8
When Darkness Falls (story) ch.7
When Darkness Comes (story) ch. 6
When Darkness Comes (story) ch. 5
When Darkness Comes (story) ch.4
When Darkness Comes (story) Ch. 3
When Darkness Comes (story) Ch. 2
When Darkness Comes (story)
I'm gonna ramble, just cause I can...
Resurrection...
Is this all there is????
Leftovers...an I don't mean the SEX kind...LOL
Just checkin' in...
Moderator...
A New Year...any special plans?
My My My....
Hmmmmmm....
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Well....
Once Upon a Halloween...conclusion
Once Upon a Halloween...Chapters 9 & 10
Once Upon a Halloween...Chapter 8
Yeah, it's me again


Comments:

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soft_touch938

Feb 15 @ 2:08AM  
It isn't just here in the AMD community that I've mellowed. I see my kids heading down a path that will probably end up biting them in the ass and I don't feel compelled to say anything. Am I shirking my motherly duties? No. I have spoken my piece to them a long time ago and it fell on deaf ears. They will learn as I did...the hard way. I no longer feel compelled....

There is much that I see or hear and I just don't feel compelled to respond. I worried for ever so long that I was becoming a dottering old person who was losing my zest for life but after giving it much thought, that isn't the case. I'm just mellowing.

It's time for those generations who are coming up behind me to take up all those gauntlets and rise to the challenges of life, love and the pursuit of happiness. I did my time. Now it's mellow time for me.

I am not old...but I am a little tired. I don't have the energy I had 6 years ago. Hell, I don't have the energy I had 2 years ago! The sad thing is, I've been mentally whipping myself for simply feeling mellow. Why? Because this is a go-getter world and we're suppose to be super active until we drop dead!

I say..."Go for it!" If that's what other old farts wanna do, then wonderful but dammit, go around me, I'll get outta the way and when ya pass me, just leave me alone. I'm gonna grow old MY way.

So what if I still write boring, mundane and rambling blogs...just go on around me, I don't mind.

So what if it takes me 4 days to do what I use to do in one...that's because I've stopped to smell the roses along the way. I make the choice to do the things I enjoy. As for chores? They'll be there tomorrow or the next day.

So my life isn't exciting...nothing fabulous to write about but there's a lot to be said for mellow...quiet, peaceful, reading a book or simply taking a nap. There's a lot of life left in this old body but my 'go-getter' is retired, without regrets and the final chapter of my life will be lived with peace of mind and a happy heart.

Aging is often spoken of as seasons. Seniors are in their winter season. I use to hate that as it sounded cold, lifeless and lonely. Now that I'm living it, I see that it's warm, like the radiant heat from a fire in the hearth...gentle, glowing and all encompassing.

Our once fertile life of our other seasons are now dormant but we have earned our rest. Now we are free from heavy responsibilities, time schedules and daily demands that sometimes sucked us dry of strength and tore at our relationships.

Yes, loneliness dogs many seniors yet it isn't the loneliness of our younger days. It can even be sort of a companion that spurs us to become creative and therefore seek activity. But our very years has taught us to cope even with loneliness.

We are accused of living in the past but yanno, we have so much more past than we have future. And the neat thing is...so many times the past, in remembrance looks a whole lot better than it did when we lived it! Mostly the bad times and the hard times seem to disappear from our mental vision and make more room for all the good memories. I don't know about others, but my memories are vivid and don't seem distant at all. I can close my eyes and be back in the '50's and stay there as long as I like...time, you know, is irrelevant...

This winter...the actual season, I mean...has been good to me in spite of this lingering crap that won't go 'way. (I'm seeing an ear, nose, throat doctor next week) But maybe even the illness has been a good thing as it has slowed me down from a hectic lifestyle so I could see that it just didn't fit me nor was it what I wanted out of life at my age. This winter, that word 'compelled' lost its last strangle hold on me. It is a very heavy word that places undo stress on one's shoulders.

Now I have rambled enough. I've stayed up really late writing this but yanno what? I am not compelled to get up before I'm damn good 'n ready to...lol. Friday should be an easy day. Susie and I have been on the go all week but I have told her my battery is running really low so I need to stay home and recharge and I have just the easychair to do it in!

Ya'll have a good weekend, stay warm, be safe 'n keep smilin'....

Hugs
Softie
Wordsofwit

Feb 15 @ 3:27AM  
For whatever my opinion is worth (along with a dollar it will get you a cup of coffee at McDonald's), I am seeing you as being much more in tune with yourself and going with a more natural flow of your life.

For myself, I miss the man I was physically. What used to be routine is now considerable effort. I enjoy the simple pleasures of life in many cases because that is all I'm capable of.

As for memories the sixties, seventies, eighties, and nineties are as clear as a bell and worth recalling. The century is a parade of the mundane that I rarely recall because there wasn't much, good or bad, that has been noteworthy
soft_touch938

Feb 15 @ 12:13PM  
I had to re-read this blog since it was so late when I wrote it...thought it might not make much sense, but I did pretty good.

For me, I think I've had to get pushed with my back against the wall before I could begin to turn things around. When I moved here, I glibly thought this was the answer to everything, a new start and life would be near perfect. Well, it wasn't and it's been a hard row to hoe. My fault? Susie's fault? Nobody's fault? A little of all 3 methinks.

But I can also see that I was fighting gettin' old. I'd push myself until I'd physically be ill...old joints can protest in the worst ways! All I REALLY wanted was to coast, relax and enjoy life but some little devil in my head kept telling me that that was just giving up and if I didn't push myself daily, anything less than that was just sitting back and waiting to die. I've kidded in the blogs about 'a rockin' chair 'n lap robe' and I think, in my head, coasting 'n relaxing was the same as that.

How many times have you heard someone say that if ya don't stay movin; 'n shakin' you'll just end up dying too soon? I've heard that for years but Susie lives it. I've tried for 2 years to keep up with her..let her push me until I would be angry as hell. Finally I realized I was angry at ME not her for not having enough backbone to live my life the way I wanted. If I end up dying too soon then by gaud I'm goin' out happy!
sugarnspice005

Feb 15 @ 10:00PM  
If being mellow is what is making you happy, great. After all, it's your life, live it your way.

Yeah, younguns can be a stubborn bunch...ya gotta step back and let us scrape our knees or bump our heads before we learn that "oh yeah....she was right". I know...my own parents still try to guide me...and I've got that attitude of "I'm on my own, they can't tell me what to do".

I've always said life is a journey of continuous learning.
Wordsofwit

Feb 16 @ 1:38AM  
Every loser is somebody's kid
hog77297

Feb 16 @ 5:46PM  
I for one don't really care what everybody cares. If I can just have the love and respect of my family and real friends then the rest of them can just think whatever they please! The ones that can't understand that can KISS MY OLD ASS!!
Softie, do it your way! I'll still be one of you biggest fans.
hog77297

Feb 16 @ 5:46PM  
I for one don't really care what everybody cares. If I can just have the love and respect of my family and real friends then the rest of them can just think whatever they please! The ones that can't understand that can KISS MY OLD ASS!!
Softie, do it your way! I'll still be one of you biggest fans.
J1958

Feb 17 @ 6:34AM  
Nice piece, Softie.

It’s just a theory, so don’t anybody go apeshit, but I think they’re putting something in our meds. I used to be so f**king contentious I’d fight over a football game. I had dreams about getting the sitting President in a locked elevator with his hands tied behind his back and tape over his mouth, so I could give him a real slice of my mind. Now, I don’t even talk back to the news head on TV.

I think it’s all part of a plot. If you notice…millions of Americans follow the same path through life. They work their asses off to put a little away for retirement. Then, they retire, get sick and give it all to hospitals and doctors in a vain attempt to live forever. If there’s anything left, the government lops off another hefty portion and your kids will be persecuted relentlessly because they didn’t earn whatever you managed to leave them. Meanwhile…the net worth of whatever you leave them is determined by how long you managed to live. Live long enough and the government in concert with the medical community will take it ALL.

A million regrets about the system plague old folks, and if they had the vitality to resist, there’d be hell to pay for the way the generations behind us treat us, but we just shrug and go take a nap. Coincidence? I don’t think so. We’re medicated into a stupor. It’s like the saltpeter they put in the chow of soldiers to strangle their sex drive. They actually do this, so if you think it’s ridiculous to believe the government would sedate the whole damn population over 65, think again. They’re willing, able and ready to justify it all in the name of the greater good.

So don’t rise up. Don’t even sit up. Just lay down like a hound dog in the mud and give back every damn thing you’ve earned before you die. It’s the American way.
soft_touch938

Feb 18 @ 1:01PM  
Awwww hog....my #1 fan...how I wish I could get a real grip on YOUR perspective of life. It hasn't escaped my notice this past year that I'm not that laid back person I always thought I was. In fact, I've had to come to grips with the fact that all my life, I've been a very intense person...and anal ta'boot. It isn't so much that I care what others think...it's that glaring difference between what others think and what I think.

I'm a loner and that doesn't sit well with most people because most people are social. Why is it I can understand their enjoying being social and they can't understand that I'm not? I can understand they enjoy being on the go all the time yet they can't understand that I enjoy being a homebody.

All my life, I've had difficulty meshing my ways with others...I'm the oddball in most situations and when everyone around me seems to have so much in common and I'm the odd man out then I get the brunt of my being different.

Hmmmmmm....methinks this is gonna generate a new blog...being an oddball...lol

Well J....I hardly know how to respond to your comment. I think I see your point yet it kinda went astray of what my blog was all about.

You're right, a lot of seniors are over-medicated and we all get gouged from the medical field...and the government. I don't argue with you there.

But my point was...everyone works hard all their life but not just for money. They spend a lifetime of juggling schedules, kids, jobs and a million other things. For me, it seems that I've had trouble down-shifting into retirement because (and again, for me) it seems that this whole world has shifted to the a state of believing that in order for seniors to really enjoy their retirement years, they have to be active, on the go, involved and if they don't then 'shame on them'...they're just giving up and waiting to die.

It's push, push, push, get involved, be a volunteer, be or do SOMETHING. Well, I don't wanna...simple as that. If I choose to just coast the rest of my life then those go-getters can just fly past me but I want them to not push their lifestyle onto me. To each his own, yanno?

And it isn't like I don't have opinions anymore or that I couldn't get involved with a lot of things. I just don't wanna. Been there/done that. I don't wanna get on a soapbox about anything nor do I feel compelled to anymore. That includes allowing people to push my buttons in order to make me feel compelled. I am mellow...a state that suits me well...and one that I've spent a lifetime earning.
J1958

Feb 18 @ 4:55PM  
I think I see your point yet it kinda went astray of what my blog was all about

Maybe not. The way you see the lot of seniors and the activity schedule they want us on depends on how you were when you were younger. If you were a “lay about” (as you were,) they want to step you up so you’ll fall into the flow and stop this independent, loner attitude. That makes you more malleable and easier to handle.

If you‘re a squeaky wheel (as I always was,) they want you to shut up, shut down and fall into the flow.

In either case, whatever they’re putting in your meds is designed to make you more cooperative and a smaller pain in the ass.

Have you noticed…as the quality of medication has improved, the influence of the older generation in society has declined. It’s so good now that seniors are nearly a non-entity. The most troublesome thing they gripe about is the raw deal they’re getting from AARP.
soft_touch938

Feb 18 @ 7:01PM  
Quote: If you were a “lay about” (as you were,) Unquote

That's your opinion and assumption.

Meds? "They"....Methinks you're a little on the paranoid side?

And what does my blog have to do with meds, government and apparently what you see as a conspiracy against all seniors.

Geez J....speaking of meds....take a chill pill and mellow out. You might just like it.
J1958

Feb 19 @ 4:16AM  
Talk about paranoid. I only took you for a layabout because of what you wrote:

It's push, push, push, get involved, be a volunteer, be or do SOMETHING. Well, I don't wanna...simple as that. If I choose to just coast the rest of my life then those go-getters can just fly past me.

If you don't want to called a "layabout", why suggest you are?

My comments were informed by your blog. What you wrote promoted thoughts I reduced to language which I gave you in the form of a comment, and you are a better person for it -- albeit my remarks were a bit tongue-in-cheek. Are you only open to commentary when it repeats what you have already said? Maybe you should tell us what you want us to write so we can just copy and paste. And then of course, there is always the reliable old AMD gambit -- just block the poster or delete his comments.
Wordsofwit

Feb 19 @ 8:17AM  
be a volunteer, be or do SOMETHING.

I may be like you on that. There are times that I would like to help out at the food bank or something, but I don't want to be obligated to do it on a schedule.

To a very large extent I have very little that I have to do and all day to do it I have to pack Ashton's lunch, wait for the school bus at 3:50, prepare dinner most days, ensure that the grocery shopping gets done and that is it That alone makes life good
soft_touch938

Feb 19 @ 11:56AM  
Well J...I will leave your comment stand. It's a "consider the source" kinda comment and in my opinion, more argumenative than informative. BUT;...as is my right, I believe your are 'block worthy' so it will take you to create yet ANOTHER ID in order to comment further.

Yes WoW...I don't mind being involved...I visit the nursing home and Susie and I work hard to gather, sort and take clothes to the homeless. I just don't want to do anything on a scheduled routine. If that makes me a layabout as J has suggested then, good...I'm a layabout.

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