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I've got a feeling....

posted 1/3/2013 5:02:17 AM |
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Okay, lately, I've been going bat shit crazy. I don't know if it has to do with the increased intake of coffee or my own deluted self visions of gradiore... dure.... dur dur dur.... my mind is fractured, and both halves want somethign the other does not. It's a giant pain in the ass. i'm 28 years old, living with my parents under the assumption that my life will automatically just get better. Most often the choice regarding this is not. don't ask.

In light of a continued failed string of fauzlationships, which are, for the most part, completely idiotic for me to even believe they'd work out in theb eginning, I've decided to just stop doing t he one fundamental thing that's kept me sane for the past couple of years:
Showering. well, I only shower on sundays,. but that's when we gop to church and what not. It's a massive pain in my somewhat religious ass that no matter what out fit i pick out she just keeps telling me what to wear. And that;'s not even the sadf part of it. I feel trapped on the descending life style surroudned by condescending people that I think are just starting to tire of me overall. But that's neither here nor there. I don't know why things are the way the are anymore, I've become apathetic and cavelier to almost any and all news regarding family, and that;s another loaded fuckign gun right there.

How am I supposed to care for family memebers that I rarely see? Shes all but fucked over the familial social life3 that for one reason or another has completyely screwed the fucked up pooch, but what can I do!? NOTYHING!!!! It's like no matter what I try to do to improve upon my already dismaL mood, everything just craps in my face./

Maybe I'm too lazy and need a change of life style so drastic it might involve going into the military!? Maybe? I don't know anymore. I'm freaking out because i've spent the better part of three years sitting in t his fucking chair and I've all but given up the slim hope that maybe i'll just have a fucking heart attack and d ie where I've sat m,y dumb ass down for thel ast four months. It;s rare when I cant really focus. i mean,. I want to focus, but there's just too much going on at them oment for me to actually get anything of actuall value done.

My spellings all over the place because I'm just so fucking stressed out over nothing. I do get stressed out over things even though she constantly tells me what a fucked up screw head i've become. And that'sd another thing, that stuff i used to find enjoyment in isnt giving me any joy any more. Writings been a passion of mine for thel ast ten years, and now to suddenly find myself without actual inspiration to write about the good things going on my life, i find that a little bit fucked in the head if youi don;t mind my saying so.

I'm slowly goijng to hell in a hand basket health wise, muy dating lifes in the shitter because I don'ty really get outof the housem uchm, abnd I might've screwed myself by giving myself SDID which is a whole nother level of fucked in the head as it is.

Now I find myself questioning the very choices I make omn a almost daily basis because i'm sio fucking unsuire of myself that nothing really matters to me. What the fucks happening to me to the point where I'm no longer pounding out pieces of the story on a daily basis? What happened to the guy that used to slam out a chapter every six months!? What am going to do for work!? DEAR GOD i've wasted countless years chasing after the unrealistic dreams that have fueled my expectations and now everythings falling apart at the threadf levle and I've no one to blame but myself!!!!

I'm berginning to think that I might neeed professional help getting my act together and fucking getting the fuck out of this fucking depressing house! Did you know that my rooms blue? I now hate the colro blue because It's a constant. Never changing. I'd love it it I had four wall sized mirrors, at least in that Aspect I might actually change the way I look at things, but nooooooooo! I can't change a fucking things and shits just getting worse for mwe on a daily levle. I'm depressed, and as I've already tried commiting suicide once and failed at that a few years back, that's no longer a fucking solution (I don't think it ever was. I'm just de\iluting myself iunto thinking it might be.) I'm going to shut the fuck up.

This is the result of eating those snack drink packets straight from the box, drinking five day old coffee and not giving any amount of fucks about my sleep schedule. Masterbation helps.

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I've got a feeling....