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Shit happens...

posted 8/26/2012 11:20:23 PM |
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  karma2

Well, I don't usually post anything personnal but sometimes shit happens.

I am breaking off a long time relationship...shit happens. I actually think it's a mutual thing but as in most cases like these...a bad guy is needed and it looks like it will have to be me.

At the moment, I have a passel of emotions running through my belly. They're not all bad. I feel kinda funny, actually. It feels strange to be a person without a partner...kinda scary. I feel sad that it has to end. Part of me doesn't wanna let go and go it alone.

But a bigger part of me is just simply relieved. It has been a tumultuous few years. Things would go good for awhile then there'd be a clash. You know, if there's enough clashes that is never resolved, then love just slowly dies. Oh, I think we'll always love each other, but that "in love" kind of love is gone.

It's funny (not ha ha kinda funny) how, in the beginning, love just blinds you to reality. In reality, we had nothing in common but I couldn't know that then. I thought I wanted to live a life like I'd never known, filled with friends and activities. I've never been outgoing and I thought that being with someone who was, would rid me of my shyness and I'd finally be free to enjoy life in what I considered "normal".

But once a shy person, always a shy person. Once a homebody, always a homebody.

My lover was younger than me. Age does make a difference. I not only couldn't keep up with a lively lifestyle, but I found I didn't want to and I grew to hate it!

I don't want to constantly be on the go. I find my lover's upbeat, outgoing personality began to grind on my nerves. Quiet times just wasn't going to happen.

I found myself trying so hard to keep up the pace but after awhile, I would find myself nearly physically sick from exhaustion and stress.

The stress came from trying to curtail some of the action only to find that not going along with the program produced an attitude from my lover that ended up in arguments and they were never really resolved.

We're incompatible...so very incompatible.

The end of our relationship has not been actually put into words...yet. But I did bring up that option tonight and it wasn't rejected....no resistance, no nothing so that tells me I'm not alone in wanting to end this. One of us has to do the dirty work of putting it into words and I know it'll have to be me. I know because my lover HAS to be able to tell everyone that it was my fault...nothing was or is going to be anyone's fault but mine...that's the way it's always been.

When there was no resistance to my suggestion that maybe I should be replaced with someone younger who could keep up the pace, I waited for that pang of hurt to pierce my heart but it didn't happen. But the pain in my gut from the stress was gone almost immediately. That in itself tells me I'm making the right decision.

I'm hoping we can continue a friendship and it may be a little awkward for awhile but hopefully, with time, we'll have what we should've had all along. As lovers, I don't think we were meant to be.

I just think when a relationship sours, it should end. We've drug ours out far longer than was necessary except neither of us wanted to admit that the kind of love needed to be in a commited relationship was gone and we put ourselves through an emotional hell far longer than we should've.

Life will be different now, but I will adjust. Sometimes I'll feel lonely and sometimes I will miss the intimacy but mostly peace will return to my heart and soul.

I do expect though to catch some flack when I put into words what must be said. A guilt trip will be necessary...it will be made clear to me that this is all my fault and although I know my lover wants out of this too, I will be deluged with the amount of hurt I've caused. There will be a period of time that I will get the big freeze out to emphasize how cruel I've been to cause so much hurt. I know how my lover operates so this will be necessary in order to obliterate any guilt that my lover may feel for also wanting out. It HAS to be MY fault.

Oh well..shit happens...

K2

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Comments:

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sugarnspice005

Aug 28 @ 10:30PM  
Yes, you're right, "shit happens".

It is is hard going from having someone "there" to waking up alone. It's quite the adjustment. I don't think there isn't one person out there who hasn't gone through this.

Maybe being just friends would be the best for the both of you. Move on, embrace life and enjoy it.
karma2

Aug 29 @ 11:25AM  
You know Sugar, people confuse me, including my lover. We still haven't talked about it...it's like nothing ever happened and that's not unusual as talking about things of real importance isn't something my SO wants to do. It's better to pretend nothing ever happened I guess.

We don't live together, never have. So I think the best way to handle this is for me to begin to not be so available...get back to living my own life, doing my own things. I'm hoping we can just ease away from a relationship into a friendship. Winter is coming and SO returns to work and I think this will help with a lot of our problems.

It's funny how being in a relationship causes me to feel obligated in so many ways. I think being in a relationship causes both of us to have unrealistic expectations of one another. I've already shifted to just wanting to be friends. So much has happened that that deep, commited love I had, has faded to just a friendship kind of love. Taking away those feelings of obligations and expectations is a freeing feeling...one I really like.

I've felt for so long that I'd lost my independence because my SO is a planner and a doer and I just let my SO sorta take over my life (my fault, I know) but in the beginning, it felt good to be taken care of...that helping hand kind of thing. It felt good to have someone to gadabout with and my social life expanded tremendously. But eventually, it became overwhelming. My SO doesn't sit still for one minute! Me? I like quiet time and had very little of that. My fault there, too but I could be easily intimidated if I didn't want to do something...I just let shit happen for far too long.

Hopefully, friendship will be the answer for us. Time will tell, I guess.

Thanks Sugar for your comment...you make this lady feel good...

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Shit happens...