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I HAVE Known, You Know....

posted 3/1/2012 1:42:55 AM |
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  WoundedbutWilling

Greedy, I feel sometimes, hoping for a GLIMPSE of what I already came close to. I write, list myself on social networking sites as "Divorced" or, sometimes, "Single", Both of those identifiers are, for me, Insufficient to describe my TRUE state and nature: they imply that I've NEVER really known healthy, deep, grounding love and, probably won't recognize it if I DO :

SORRY.. I DO know Love... ::
I know : and NOTHING else whispers, wraps me so close, and leaves me SO ALONE

I met Love at age 14; as candy striper in the very hospital in which I was born. He,showed up in the form of a brand new security guard, all of 22 years old (sexy as all get out, but VERY married, of course)

I passed my church every time I went volunteering; I carried a spare pair of underwear in my purse. The mere presence of him left me wet with my first desire, and I would leave my shifts, unable to look at him... I'd change my underwear prior to stopping and praying for God's forgiveness, mercy and deliverance ...

Years later, I ended up his security dispatcher; he teased me, calling me "Hot Lips", letting me know that, YES, he had INDEED known of my lust for him as a schoolgirl

I lasted in that job 10 mos; already divorced he was, I got laid off, we dated, but I couldn't EVER allow, succomb to getting sexual, having no idea he was capable of more. He was in the shadows, I wouldn't let myself go near; I couldn't, I couldn't, it was too much in which I'd drown.

I married...divorced...got sober got drunk got laid got hurt. 2 daughters came in back to back pregnancies while far away and married to a jerk: Sterling silver baby things were delivered to my hands, with notes indicating how much Love remembered my fond affection for my teenaged self wearing a charm bracelet made of the same metal. :

I would call...say "thank you", he never asked any questions. I was told how good it was to hear my voice, if I ever needed anything, just to let him know.. :
In 2006, I called to thank for another round of sterling gifts for my daughters, but this time, his mother answered the phone.: :

Late that summer, Love had been diagnosed with Late Stage Terminal Prostate Cancer, and he didn't want me to know; he'd died a few weeks before my call,he'd left me a sentimental estate, and a loving letter. :

He told me of how he wanted me to always know he loved me WHERE and FOR WHO I WAS. He'd wanted me to come to him WILLINGLY when I was ready...that, when his marriage ended, he realized I'd been where his heart was ALL ALONG; he'd committed himself to not taking hostages, not settling, not distracting himself with anyone else ever after. :

"Love", he explained, "doesn't interfere with life" he said; he told me of how it, in someone, has to gravitate, find it's way to another. He knew I was afraid, he loved me nonetheless, and hoped that, while he never would have me in his arms, if I EVER DID feel motion towards Someone's, well, he would be tickled to death to know I'd FINALLY allowed myself to be held, embraced, adored as surely as he would have

I thought about Love today; I was blocks away from the hill where we first met. I couldn't bring myself to go there, Loves' presence haunted me so...

Tears held back, dreams I didn't DARE make manifest in my Girlish Foolish Embarrassment. :

I DO know Love, you understand? :
I just promise now that, though I may LIKE many Pretender-Guessers, I won't settle for Anyone it ALSO isn't resonating, beating inside of, in perfect compliment with. :

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by WoundedbutWilling:
3 Funerals, 2 Pending, 1 FU JobStorming Off....
LYING...(I Don't Know Why Your Doing It Bugs Me)
On Being A Priority vs An Option
BANG A DRUM: On Storms and Silence
CAN'T GET EMAILS OUT: What IS Happening?
I HAVE Known, You Know....
Piggy de la Poesía, Estoy Ciertamente
NOT SETTLING: When Yellow Flags Need To Be Red
DON'T Decide Ahead of Time: On Defining What You Don't Have (Yet)


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manwithoutahorse

online now!
Mar 1 @ 7:22AM  
Don't settle, don't ever settle. Thanks for sharing

We can't control love, it controls us. Unless we push it away or run away from it. After experiencing it for the third time (and being hurt by the experience), I pledged that I would never run away from it again, even if it were not to be reciprocated. I can relate to both of you and am sorry for your loss. Thank God for memories.

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I HAVE Known, You Know....