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DON'T Decide Ahead of Time: On Defining What You Don't Have (Yet)

posted 2/22/2012 5:39:00 PM |
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  WoundedbutWilling

One of the most difficult aspects of dating site questionnaires (I think, anyway) as well as some singles face to face groups is that most want users to define the KIND of relationship they hope to share with someone they meet. As we change daily, however, and what we share with each person MAY be different, this sets us up, potentially, for having unrealistic expectations of others. :

I find myself wanting THE INTERACTION to DETERMINE what happens with someone, NOT me, DICTATE it. I know this hasn't worked well for me, because of one belief I've held for years....

:I find it's VERY HARD for me to be "friends" with a man I'm sexually or romantically attracted to (or both) ::

In the past, I've passed on meeting more than a few men, because they wanted to be "friends"; I don't get sexually intimate with "friends" but then, when it DOES reveal itself, why shouldn't that count for THE RELATIONSHIP and INTERACTION revealing it's OWN identity and definition?

Come on...when are we gonna STOP TRYING TO PLAY GOD with this stuff? : What, has ANY one of us managed to land a SUCCESSFUL ANY kind of relationship, running around with a "Thou shalt ___ with me or there WILL NOT be a We" attitude? :

I'm to the point of believing that it's not fair, any longer, to decide BEFORE meeting someone what type of "relationship" I'll have with someone or I'll do without them!::no:: Seems awfully kind of controlling to me, doesn't give them much choice in the matter, and I may miss out, by dismissing someone, on a kind of sharing and blessing that I need MORE from them than what I may dictate.

This year, I'm hoping a new attitude of acceptance and openness, curiosity and receptiveness shows in me: I hope those I meet will see that I'm showing up to MEET THEM, not who I dictate they must be. I hope they realize my choices to meet, say, first in public and share equally vulnerable information (ie-I no longer accept calls from blocked numbers...you want mine, you gotta reveal yours too ) looks out, demonstrates as much care for who THEY are, as it does me....

and, hopefully, sets us both in a comfortable place, for meeting, deciding we're willing to take a chance, and let OUR WALK TOGETHER define ANY relationship :

(This blog, c2012 GC Cameron All Rights Reserved
[In other words, DEAL, I'm a writer dammit...this is appearing simultaneously on another webpage]_

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by WoundedbutWilling:
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LYING...(I Don't Know Why Your Doing It Bugs Me)
On Being A Priority vs An Option
BANG A DRUM: On Storms and Silence
CAN'T GET EMAILS OUT: What IS Happening?
I HAVE Known, You Know....
Piggy de la Poesía, Estoy Ciertamente
NOT SETTLING: When Yellow Flags Need To Be Red
DON'T Decide Ahead of Time: On Defining What You Don't Have (Yet)


Comments:

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manwithoutahorse

Feb 22 @ 9:44PM  
I'm glad to hear you are not a woman who believes in the concept, "You're perfect, I love you, now change".
Wordsofwit

Feb 23 @ 11:26AM  
Good post

You will get a lot more comments if you change your settings to automatically approve all comments.

Some people may have specific roles they want somebody to fill. That is okay. On the other hand, I feel that most single unencumbered people should be open to a wide array of relationships to expand their social horizons without advance limitations. If a relationship enhances the quality of life for both parties it is a win/win scenario. That being said, I find that too many people, women in particular, have an all or nothing approach that leads to a more narrow social life and wind up in a lot of crash and burn outcomes.

I feel it is best to let the relationship freely flow and find its own level naturally.without a script. Additionally, in many cases, it takes weeks or month for the best course to be determined whether it be a potential S/O or possible life long friendship.
soft_touch938

Feb 23 @ 1:19PM  
I've always thought profile essays left one feeling stilted and boxed in. If ya write a long one, men won't read 'em. And besides, how does one explain who they are and what they're looking for? For me, that depends on the other person and what they bring out in me.

Since I'm no longer lookin', my profile doesn't apply but I do change it now and then as a few check it out from time to time so I give 'em something new to read every now and again.

Welcome to AMD blogs. Good blogs deserve a kudo...sending one your way.
scottdar

Feb 24 @ 4:48AM  
Hey I still can't send messages on here. Can you send me an e-mail, dscottb1962 at yahoo. Thanks

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DON'T Decide Ahead of Time: On Defining What You Don't Have (Yet)