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Do NOT try this at home!!!

posted 1/21/2007 1:12:44 AM |
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You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story.
I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!!
This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it should be.

As Beth told the story...

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing).

I go one better:
I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.

Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh.

I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
Vision returning.

Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.
Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?

Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again.

I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch.
I feel.
I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick.
She does her best to suppress laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night.

She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth." While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor.

Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair still there.

So I shaved the damned stuff off.
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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post a comment!


Jan 21 @ 1:34AM  
OK now this is TOO FUCKIN' FUNNY!

I have to admit, this is even funnier than how I told you I thought I'd wax my balls one time...that was just plain fuckin' stooooooooooooooopid...but this is funny!

Jan 21 @ 1:55AM  
I seen that one several times...I like it, thanks ....

Jan 21 @ 2:05AM  
LMAO!!! My husband likes to use hot wax in order to get revenge on people...he puts it on thier pillow!

Jan 21 @ 3:37AM  
Damn, I feel for poor Beth. This is a horror story. I don't know how you could call it funny, but I guess if it didn't happen to you it could be. My ex had a bad situation with some of that stuff once. Left it on too long and it actually burnt her legs. Left scars for a very long time.. It was aweful..

Jan 21 @ 5:13AM  
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.

I'm so going to misquote this and use it against you!

Jan 21 @ 6:15AM  
OK, this needs a's too damn funny NOT to be on the opening page of AMD! Not sure if the bump or my kudos will help bump it to the front, but it's damn sure worth a try to get it out there...

Jan 21 @ 6:29AM  
When did you change your name to Beth...?


Jan 21 @ 6:46AM  
who do I feel more sorry for? Beth or Craveman? Wax your balls Isn't that against some kind of Masculin law? I even think the Geneva Convention would say no to that. But hey you learned a lesson. Poor Beth? or is Looking Right? someone needs some lovin to get through these cold lonely nights.... No more wax guys or Beth. Just grab a razor and get shaving..... By the way, any guys got experience with Nair on the jewels? Just curious if this next weeks topic.

Jan 21 @ 7:25AM  
This still can't be as bad as the "epi-torture" device my mother got me for Christmas one year and sent to me while I was in Florida! OMG...who's brilliant idea was THAT!!

Jan 21 @ 8:58AM  
Whew, glad I never did open that package of Nair for men. Strictly shaving for me. Ouch!

Jan 21 @ 10:57AM  
Well, I know I will never ever try that!!!!!

Jan 21 @ 11:04AM  
OMG; Craveman; You guys crazy? Waxing your balls; Nair on the jewels: I think there is another web site for you!

Jan 21 @ 12:58PM  
I'm dying here and the worse part is I can actually see it happening

Jan 21 @ 3:19PM  
A good read!

Jan 21 @ 4:45PM  
All I can think of to say is: OUCH!!!!!!

Jan 22 @ 3:21AM  
I'm sorry... it's a horrible..... thing to happen>gasp<... but i can't.. stop laughing

Jan 22 @ 3:22AM  
remind me to tell you how i got a scar on my chest along the same "one bad thing after another" line...

Jan 28 @ 3:26AM  

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