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Life: through the window

posted 12/22/2011 6:40:43 PM |
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  theSkwirl

I've often felt that I was some sort of freak. Like I was not fit for human companionship. I know that a lot of people feel this way and often. It used to bother me, my freakishness, my lack of human skills, my lack of acceptability. Not any more, though. I've finally become comfortable, comfortable with myself and in my own skin. I'm no more a freak than you are.



I used to think that I lived my life on the outside, looking in. You know the feeling? You see what's going on but never really feel like you are a part of what's happening? It used to be so isolating, living that way. I isolated and insulated myself from so much. Yes, I did it. No one forced me to a life on the fringes of humanity. I chose. I'm glad to be here now. Now that I'm older and I look around at the 'normal people'. The fringes is a much happier place to live.



A long time ago, I invented my life. I invented it out of thin air. I made it up. Yep. That's the bald ass truth. I made myself up. I couldn't be honest with myself or anyone else. I'm so over that. Soo over it. I am as I am and that's all.



I was a very shy child. Shy in an awkward, socially unsupported manner. I'd blush if you looked at me. Hard to believe isn't it? Thinking about who I am now, and how I behave and even draw attention to my foibles and foolishness? I was very, painfully, miserably shy. Perhaps it was the things that were happening to me at the time. I can't really blame anyone, however, I am the one who withdrew from life. Life didn't withdraw from me.



Even so, with all that foundational groundwork for an antisocial dissociative personality, I'm not. I'm not antisocial nor dissociative. I am a bit of a loner, but that's because I choose to be. I enjoy my own company. I'm pretty good company. I enjoy talking with myself sometimes. I hate it when I get to arguing with me though. :D That's a bit much.



Maybe it's because I grew up in the pucker brush. I had to get happy in my own skin because no one else was around to build me up. I don't know. Whatever it was, I'm sure glad I found it.



Even now, I have my awkward and shy moments. I find myself panicking in crowds. I don't enjoy many types of social gatherings. I find them false and forced. In new situations I'm often frightened of doing something wrong. I'm just like anyone else.



Once upon a time, way back when I was a young woman, I had an old Irish man say to me, "Girl, you are too fey for this world. It's going to kick you around.". I guess I took that to heart and let it kick me around. Don't we all? We make up our minds that things are going to go badly and lo and behold, it does. We bring about what we think about.



Don't get me wrong, here, I love people. I enjoy the company of other people. But some days I want to be alone, just me. It's something that I have to watch out for, however, as I get too comfortable with myself and leave everyone else out.



People need other people. I'm ok. I'm good. I'm worthy. I'm a wonderful viable and worthwhile human being. So are you!

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by theSkwirl:
No Satisfaction Baybeee...
Do You Wanna Fuck?
Don't Ignore ME! I Can't TAKE it.
Use it Up, Wear it Out....
Buh bye now...
The More Things Change....
Pudge... Oh Dear Pudge... I miss you so!!!
A Small Disgruntlement...
The Problem: Skwirl Rules Apply
Life: through the window
Tiiiis the Season to be Jolly..... Fa La La La La La La La La ...
Mmmkay... Here We Go...
Ladles and Jellyspoons.
Arright you Fuckers... I'm Back..
Whine and Philosphize.
It's Been a While ...
Mondays... you never know what a Skwirl might do...
Idiots, Idioms and Idiosyncrasies.
Dearly Beloved; Farewell to Chuck, our Night of Old.
In Like a Lion
Another story.. good times.
What kind of Vert are you?
A very insightful poem
Here We Go Again...I've been thinking.
still kickin


Comments:

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casuallylooking

Dec 22 @ 7:28PM  
I'm a wonderful viable and worthwhile human being.
Yes, you are.
Ewe_Wish

Dec 22 @ 8:07PM  
I used to think that I lived my life on the outside, looking in.
My father use to say that it wasn't so much that I marched to a different drummer but that I made my own music to march to..........I know exactly what you are talking about...........in my home I felt invisable......my headstart teacher was concerned that I didn't know how to talk.......until she realized that it wasn't that I didn't know how but that I chose not to............even to this day.......i do not like to be the center of attention (yea I know the blog hog doesn't like to be center of attention.....but its different here.........no one is looking at me) I don't like large groups..........and until I came into my self I was always concerned about what other people thought of me...........today I no longer care..........take me or leave me..I am who I am..........and I happen to be someone I like.............btw......YOU are also someone I live..........for that matter.............I am in awe of you........I have seen you rebound on things that have happened in your life and become a better person for it. I lubs you Skwirly girl..............and I am proud to call you my friend.
sugarnspice005

Dec 23 @ 12:44AM  
I'm worthy. I'm a wonderful viable and worthwhile human being

Yes you are. And I'm glad to be able to call you "friend".

cumtosupper275

Dec 23 @ 1:38AM  
I've finally become comfortable, comfortable with myself and in my own skin.

A long time ago, I invented my life.


Hence the squirrel photo and Never Ever Land.....LOL>>>>>>>>>>>>
Strega

Dec 23 @ 11:49AM  
There is something to be said for being on the outside looking in. I grew up in the south in a town whose minds were even smaller than its population. I never wanted to be like those people living my life in a small box I created for myself out of fear of the unknown. How limiting that life must be, so uncreative. I knew from my first day of school that I was not going to be one of them because it was 1959, I lived in the south and I was half Native American. I was not someone they could shove into a convenient catagory and forget. I was one of a kind in our school. In a way that set me free to just be myself. I became the girl who painted, played music and read Shakespeare when most kids were reading comic books. I also became outspoken on what I thought of the outdated social rules fueled by old money and snobbery and people's refusal to change with the times. In short I became the person I was meant to be.

Skwirl, I think you were given the gift to become a unique individual. Although sometimes gifts seem more like a curse, look at the person it allowed you to become.
summernite

Dec 23 @ 12:19PM  
It seems this site has become a very interesting place to be ...

not only are we thinking out of the box.. which in itself is quite provoking..

now we have through the window .. even more interesting and insightful..
rdsingle

Dec 23 @ 1:33PM  
Oh so close to home. What to say what to say? Good blog!!!
aftershocks

Dec 23 @ 2:33PM  
Hi skwirlly girl
This blog resonates with me more ways than you know...

Maybe I was never as shy as you, but also awkward, different. And like you I cherish my uniqueness. And I enjoy ppl and my moments alone equally.

Hugs and blessed Solstice, Christmas etc to you!

borty293

Dec 23 @ 2:52PM  
I feel it is important to wash not only my panties but others panties as well...
summernite

Dec 23 @ 6:44PM  
^^^^ one caring man
theSkwirl

Dec 23 @ 7:17PM  
Thank you beautiful people. I love sharing with you because you share back. It's great.

For whatsisnut up there.. most people know what I look like, who I am and where I am. I'm just choosy about who gets to see me in my natural setting.

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Life: through the window