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A New Contract for Santa

posted 12/8/2011 3:10:51 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
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A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Dubyuh Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Dubyuh Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
'These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson.'

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Dubyuh Claus prefers that children leave a Busch beer and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.

3. Bubba Dubyuh Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying ranch horses instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Dubyuh's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, 'On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen... ' when Bubba Dubyuh Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, 'On Cheney, on Colin, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jeb, on Elliott and Neil.'

5. 'Ho, ho, ho!' has been replaced by 'Yee Haw!' And you are also likely to hear Bubba Dubyuh's elves respond, 'I her'd dat!

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Dubyuh Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words 'Back Off.' The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV, featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Dubyuh Claus and dozens of Florida state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Dubyuh Claus sometimes forgets to wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, many lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me through the years, like 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' and Bing Crosby's 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.' This year, songs about Bubba Dubyuh Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those titles will include Mark Chestnut's 'Bubba Claus Shot the Ballot Box,' and 'Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer in Florida.'

My daughter found this on Grandma's laughs and tidbids.........and I just thought it was so cute i would share it here. I didn't write it, I just stole it.

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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post a comment!


Dec 8 @ 4:22PM  
Wonder if I will get better gifts if I leave him a mason jar of moonshine and a big country ham biscuit?

Dec 8 @ 4:44PM  

Dec 8 @ 4:46PM  
Due to the current overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

Scheezzz- union contracts for Santa Clause now? We don't want no stink'n fairies fly'n over us here in Michigan! Ain't it enough that trolls are born beneath the Mackinac Bridge, connecting the Lower Peninsula with the Upper Peninsula? I mean c'mon... cut us some slack here!

After reading about this new contract- the first thought I had was that Orange County Choppers might build Bubba's sleigh but that can't happen- they're not unionized and no one else has been mentioned to build it! Bubba has to resolve that problem very soon or that's one sleigh that ain't gonna fly this year baby!


Dec 8 @ 5:04PM  
Wow...Santa has a contract now? Damn! He caught up to the 21st Century!

But ya know...That Boss Hogg special.....sounds more fun to watch...are Bo and Luke in it? Along with General Lee?

Dec 8 @ 5:16PM  
Screw the fat bastard & his contract because I never saw him just a bunch of fat ass impostors in red when I was growing up.

Dec 8 @ 5:53PM  
That's pretty funny!

Dec 8 @ 11:54PM  
Gonna steal this one! Green cookie for you1

Dec 9 @ 9:34AM  
I don't care who you claim to be BubbaClaus, keep those fuckin' deer off my roof!

Dec 9 @ 1:12PM  
Ewe...I love your avatar/logo....If the sheep is getting the same results with her fishnets as I am, it's surprising that she can walk that straight. lol

Now about this blog posting -- ya know, at first blush, it's funny. But then I started thinking. I mean, what if I did a send-up like that on Obama satarizing the fact that he's black?

First, I can hear the screams now, "Bigot!" In fact, no one would find it funny at all. Change the cookies and milk to watermelon and fried chicken. Oh, yeah. I can think of plenty of enormously unflattering parallels for black folks and, boy, would Obama be black when I finished the barbeque.

And what would you think of me, Ewe?

But you might say there's a difference. Obama can't help being black. Well people born dumb can't help that either. And where do we educated northerners get off presuming those who live below the Mason-Dixon line are, somehow, intellectually deficient. I was born in South Georgia. No one can help where he was born.

So I it just the liberal mentality that can't see a solitary thing except through the filter of my-side-is-right-and-your-side-sucks? Or did you make a mistake here?


Dec 9 @ 4:28PM  
Wow!!! Where did that ^^^^^^^ come from?

This had nothing to do with politics.

Dec 9 @ 4:34PM  
HaiyPus-- for someone who made a comment in shutterbug's blog, pretty much saying that all men who liked shaved pussys were pedofiles..........I would say you are probably a lot more judgmental and bigoted that I ever dreamed of being. Furthermore, your sterotypical comments changing my joke to a bigoted joke about black people came to you pretty easy.............and you call me bigoted?

I was born and raised in Minnesota..........and lets face it..........since Rose, the dippy headed blonde on Golden Girls, there are probably just as many jokes about MN as anywhere else. Furthermore........the war between the south and north ended over 200 years ago..........I can't imagine a joke, that was just pure silliness, not to mention a copy and paste, is going to bring the South to rise again.

I live 10 miles from West Virginia, another place there are millions of jokes made about......and found there were just as many intelligent people there as anywhere else.......the only unintelligent and uneducated comments or jokes I have see is...........well to be honest........from you. So if you can't see the humor and accept it as the joke it was intended, well obviously you don't know me...........and that's fine..........but I don't jump on your blogs to tell you what kind of an idiot I think you please refrain from doing it on mine.........if you can't laugh at have no right to laugh at anyone else...........and I laugh at myself all the time.

However, with the exception of HairyPus.......whose opinion of me i could care less, if there was anyone in the south who I inadvertently insulted......please forgive was never my intentions to offend..........and please feel free to post Minnesota jokes in retaliation........oh I'm irish too........I like them jokes also.

Dec 9 @ 8:31PM  
Well since you know me and my hillbilly ways. I totally loved it!!! And my first thought was ohh I love Smokey and the Bandit Ewe did a fan fucking tastic job as usual my sheepy friend

Dec 10 @ 1:06AM  
Oh, Ewe kid you....first, let's get to insulting me after we finish addressing the point made about your blog. Deflecting the bigotry onto the accuser doesn't speak to the accusation, does it? That's a fairly worn-out technique a fifth grader can see through. So let's address MY shortcomings another time and deal with the allegation I made as it stands.

I'm sure everybody who makes bigoted racial jokes about blacks would say the same thing you said...."Can't ya take a joke?" "Don't you see I'm just kidding?" "Where's your sense of humor?"

The point here is simply that you malign southerners with minimal educations who are as helpless to defend themselves as inner city blacks are against jokes maligning them and you think it's okay for you to do it on them, but it's unconscionable racism when it's done on blacks.

And you say you don't see the political take-away here....c'mon, Ewe...Dubya....who is that supposed to represent? This is a gag about how dumb George Bush is and it's predicated on the fact that he's from Texas and we all know anyone from south of New Jersey must be a dumb ass redneck. That's the joke -- isn't it?

Finally....I think your droll liittle blog post is funny, too. And I think jokes about blacks who eat watermelons are funny. I just want you to understand there's no difference.

Dec 10 @ 1:56AM  
HairyPus.........Thank you for your comments. I appreciate everyones views even when they are not my own. I do not feel like I disrespected anyone with the joke......but as I said in my blog comment to you.........if anyone felt disrespected.........I apologize..........perhaps tho before you want to teach a lesson on what is politically correct..........You might want to go into your own profile and remove the slang terms you use on your husband who is either bi or gay.

Dec 10 @ 3:05PM  
I grew up in the south and the bubba factor was one of the reasons I left for NYC at age 18. I think it is a funny one and no offense taken by this southerner.

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A New Contract for Santa