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He's almost here, and Im scared shitless!!!

posted 11/24/2011 3:59:55 AM |
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When my mother brought me into this crummy fucking world in August of 1966 there was no way she could have known it would almost fifty years before the women of our family would produce another male child. And it wasn't for any lack of trying, mind you. My sister was born in 1976, followed by my daughters in 1989, 1991 and 1992, then my neices in 2004 and 2007, and finally my granddaughters in 2009 and 2010 (two of them). Anyway you slice it thats a lot of fucking girls.

But all that is about to come to a screeching halt this December when my kid finally delivers to us our family's first boy in a half a century. He's fucking coming, and there isnt a godamn thing any of us can do about it! I have to admit...Im a little freaked out here. I walk around this motherfucker acting like king shit cause after nine fucking runs at it, these little bitches cant come up with anything I havent already had to handle at some point in my parental career. No fucking surprises here, bitch! But this is an entirely different animal were talking about here, and I dont know a fucking thing about raising a boy!

Granted its not really my job to raise this little motherfucker, but c'mon...who the fuck are we kidding here? Im taking this little nigga with me everyfuckingwhere. He's probably going to be cute. Both of his parents are good looking kids and his older sisters are both adorable babies (despite the fact that one of their fathers is a retard and the other a parolee at large) so Id have to say the odds of being attractive are definitely in his favor. Which doesnt seem like that big of a deal until you happen to see some poor sonofabitch hauling around an ugly ass baby. Thats when you realize its pretty much all just some genetic crap shoot, and apparently the boy's mother has been rolling sevens for the past three years! But anyone who has ever hit a casino or found themselves floating through a back alley street game knows that that is an unsustainable strategy. Eventually the bitch is gonna roll snake eyes, and in her case that will mean both eyes on the same side of his head or some shit. I mean, statistically speaking she is just about due to have one looking like some kind of fucking Picasso subject running around this motherfucker chasing girls, collecting bugs and jumping off the fucking roof holding a kite (its a hang glider! No, dumbass...its a fucking kite!)!

And thats not the only dumb shit boys are out there doing, btw. By the time I was twelve or thirteen years old I couldn't wait to get out of my mother's sight so me and my buddies could terrorize North Sacramento with our adolescent hijinks. Pretty much every summer from 1978 to 1983 I would pretty much just disappear from sight for days on end. I would tell my parents I was spending the night at my best friend's mom's apartment and I guess that they just assumed that this woman was actually paying attention to whatever the fuck it was we were doing. They couldn't have been more wrong if they tried.

What we were actually doing was running up and down Del Paso Boulevard at all hours of the night, fucking with the hookers, johns and junkies every chance we got! I cant tell you how many times we were chased down the strip by some angry pimp or an entire barfull of drunken bikers or trying to work our way past the guy working register at the adult bookstore and sneak ourselves a quick look at the closest titty magazine we could get in our clammy little hands (which for some inexplicable reason always seemed to end up being the latest copy of Mayfair Magazine, jammed packed with some of the squishiest bitches Id ever laid eyes on! I swear to god these women looked like all they ever ate was hard boiled eggs and potatoes. I didnt realize it at the time, but thats just the way English chicks look (with the obvious exceptions of Gerrie Hallowell and Elizabeth Hurley) and there isnt much anyone can do about it. And talk about hairy? Some of these broads looked like they were running around with toupees between their legs. They were all a bunch of pale, squishy, hairy bitches who were more than willing to bare it all in the pages of an international porn mag and I couldn't get enough of the shit! I dont know what the fuck was wrong with me!


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Nov 24 @ 4:00AM  
Because what a lot of you fail to realize is that up until eleven or twelve years old we boys dont really care for you broads all that fucking much. We would much rather play baseball or cowboys and indians or alone with our goddamned Hot Wheels than hang around with a bunch of cootie-infested females, braiding eachother's hair and listening to Bobby Sherman records! Then, all of the sudden sometime around the age of twelve or so, all of that shit changes like...overnight! Its really kind of weird if you think about it. We gents spend five, sometimes six years alienating ourselves from the fairer sex (in many cases literally running away screaming from these fucking bitches) only to find ourselves waking up one day and noticing for the first time that little Suzy next door had grown herself a very nice pair of tits. I had no idea what they were or what I was supposed to do with them, but I damned sure knew I liked looking at them every chance I got! And, interestingly enough, I could tell she liked looking at me looking at them every chance I got (and honestly, even now some 40 years later, if a bitch really wants to get this boy's attention all she needs to do is lift her fucking shirt and its a wrap!)!!

When I think of the kinds of shit I was out doing when I was 14, 15, 16, 17 years old, it makes my skin all clammy. If I was that bad out there 35 years ago, what kinds of deviant shit should I expect my kids to be getting themselves when they start running the same fucking streets? What kinds of new and exciting ways are these little bastards finding to kill themselves or you or somebody else's kid who just happened along for the ride? Is there anything that anyone can do to prevent this inevitable display of the inheirant stupidity of human children? I dont know. The pessimist in me doubts it. But he's always been the doubting type. His name is Raul. We met in Cancun. You'd love him. But thats another hour on the couch for another day.

Its pretty clear that this subject really shines a glaring light on my pessimistic nature. Maybe it has something to do with my own inadequacies as a parent (although so far my grandparenting experience has been quite different from that of being a parent. This time Im a lot more interested in the little things. The things I missed when my own kids were doing them, and perhaps one of the reasons I will never win Father of the Year. I guess we'll never know for sure. All I can do is do my best and hope thats enough, I guess.

Until then I'll just keep on

Keeping U posted



Nov 24 @ 4:13AM  
congrats!! you will love that little guy .. I finally had my first grandson ..after 4 girls we finally got a boy .. he is 3 now and he is sooo much fun.

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He's almost here, and Im scared shitless!!!