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Osama's Been Gonna - A Halliburton Boys Mystery (PART ONE)

posted 1/20/2007 5:56:00 AM |
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  DickSlippery

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THE PRESIDENT – GEORGE BUSH
THE VICE PRESIDENT – DICK CHENEY
SECRETARY OF STATE – CONDOLEEZZA RICE
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE – ROBERT M. GATES
CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF – GEN. PETER PACE

OUR STORY SO FAR:

AMERICA’S MOST FEARED ENEMY. AL QAEDA HAS STRUCK AT THE VERY HEART OF THE NATION. THE PUBLIC IS DEMANDING SOMETHING BE DONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, SO THE HALIBURTON BOYS GATHER IN THE OVAL OFFICE OF THEIR CLUBHOUSE 2 DISCUSS JUST HOW THEY ARE GOING 2 CAPTURE TERRORIST MASTERMIND OSAMA BIN LADEN.

SCENE OPENS WITH THE PRESIDENT AND HIS TOP ADVISORS GATHER IN THE OVAL OFFICE 2 DISCUSS STRATEGY. THE V.P. IS CLEANING HIS TEN-GUAGE, THE SECDEF IS NODDING OFF IN HIS CHAIR AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS IS TRYING 2 LOOK UP THE SECSTATE’S SKIRT.

PRES: HAVE U GOT SOME GOOD NEWS 4 ME, BOB?

SECDEF: (SNAPPING AWAKE WITH A JOLT) HUH…WHA? (HE WIPES THE DROOL FROM HIS CHIN) WHAT WUZ THAT?

PRES: NEWS…FROM AFGHANISTAN…U KNOW…THE WAR? HAVE U GOT ANY NEWS 4 ME? TELL ME WE FINALLY CAUGHT THAT SONOFABITCH, BIN LADEN!

SECDEF: UMMM…YEAH! (HE BEGINS SHUFFLING THROUGH SOME PAPERS ON HIS LAP) THERE WUZ SOMETHING. HMMM…WHERE DID I PUT THAT INTEL REPORT I GOT FROM THE C.I.A.? AH HAH! (HE HOLDS IT UP OVER HIS HEAD TRIUMPHANTLY) HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE! I KNEW I HAD IT!

VP: GOOD! NOW WHAT DOES IT SAY?

SECSTATE: WHY DON’T U JUST BACK OFF AND LET THE MAN DO HIS JOB, DICK?

VP: WHY DON’T U GO FUCK URSELF, WHORE?

SECSTATE: OH MY GOD! DID U HEAR…

PRES: (CUTTING HER OFF) SO WHAT DOES IT SAY, BOB?

SECDEF: (HE SHUFFLES SOME PAPERS) JUST A SEC…YES. WELL, MR. PRESIDENT. ACCORDING 2 OUR MOST RECENT INTELLIGENCE ESTIMATES OSAMA BIN LADEN IS HIDING SOMEWHERE IN THE CAVES OF TORA BORA.

VP: GOOD…GOOD! LET’S GO GET THAT BASTARD! WE CAN SEND THE WHORE HERE IN FIRST 2 DISTRACT THEM…

SECDEF: I’M AFRAID IT ISN’T GOING 2 BE THAT EASY, SIR.

CHAIRMAN: WE COULD ALWAYS SEND HIM OUT HUNTING WITH DICKIE BOY HERE.

VP: (POSITIONS HIMSELF SO THAT THE RIFLE BARREL IS POINTING AT THE CHAIRMAN) BETTER WATCH URSELF, GENERAL. I’D HATE 4 ANYTHING UNFORSEEN 2 HAPPEN…

CHAIRMAN: I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED 2 THE SECRETARY OF LABOR ON UR LITTLE HUNTING TRIP, CHENEY! I’M NOT ASCARED OF U! I HAVE MY PEOPLE WATCHING U TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN, U SICK FUCK!

VP: (2 THE PRESIDENT) OH MY GOD…HIS PEOPLE! DID U HEAR THAT GEORGIE? THE NEW GUY HAS PEOPLE NOW! (BACK 2 CHAIRMAN) DID UR PEOPLE TELL U I’VE BEEN HERE 4 THE LAST SIX FUCKING YEARS? U YELLOW-BELLIED LITTLE FUCK…

PRES: OK…OK, CALM DOWN, DICK, B4 U GIVE URSELF ANOTHER HEART ATTACK. LET’S GET BACK 2 THE SUBJECT…BOB?

SECDEF: YES, SIR?

PRES: I BELIEVE I HEARD U SAY SOMETHING ABOUT…TORA BORA? IS THAT WHAT I HEARD, BOB?

SECDEF: YES, SIR. WE HAVE CREDIBLE SIGHTINGS FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT SOURCES…

PRES: U KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF?

SECDEF: (STOPPING MID-SENTENCE) WHAT’S THAT, SIR?

PRES: THAT MOVIE, TORA! TORA! TORA! U EVER SEE THAT ONE?

SECDEF: I DON’T BELIEVE SO, SIR?

CHAIRMAN: GREAT FUCKING MOVIE!

PRES: (NODDING IN CHAIRMAN’S DIRECTION) OH, YEAH. IT’S ABOUT WHEN THE JAPS BOMBED PEARL HARBOR, RIGHT? AND IT’S GOT THAT ONE CHINAMAN ACTOR IN IT…I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE WUZ IN THAT SHOW QUINCY.

SECSTATE: (FILING HER NAILS) ROBERT ITO

PRES: (HE WAVES AT HER DISMISSIVELY) YEAH…WHATEVER. U GOTTA GO GET IT FROM BLOCKBUSTER RIGHT AWAY.

SECDEF: I WILL DO THAT, SIR. NOW, BACK 2 THE REPORT…

PRES: THAT WUZN’T A SUGGESTION. SON. I’M FROM TEXAS. THE ONLY THING WE TEXANS SUGGEST IS U STAY THE HELL OUT OF TEXAS. THAT WUZ AN ORDER. I WANT 2 WATCH THAT MOVIE. GO GET IT 4 ME.

SECDEF: RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MEETING?

CHAIRMAN: (SITTING UPRIGHT SUDDENLY) OOOH! CAN WE GET THE DEER HUNTER AT THE SAME TIME? I’VE BEEN WANTING 2 SEE THAT AGAIN 4 AWHILE AND JUST NEVER THINK ABOUT IT WHEN I’M AT THE VIDEO STORE.

SECSTATE: (PANTOMINES THAT SHE IS SPINNING THE CYLINDER ON A PISTOL AND SNAPPING IT SHUT. SHE THEN PRETENDS 2 BE HANDING THE PISTOL 2 CHAIRMAN) MAO! MAO!

CHAIRMAN: (POINTS AT SECSTATE) THAT MOTHERFUCKER SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WUZ AHEAD.

SECSTATE: WORD.

VP: (2 SECSTATE) WHAT…ARE U SUCKING HIS BALLS OR SOMETHING? (2 CHAIRMAN) IS SHE FUCKING U? HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN FUCKING U?


2 be continued...

Keeping U posted

DS

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Osama's Been Gonna - A Halliburton Boys Mystery (PART ONE)