Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You"
or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Barack Obama jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!   
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