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just some shit 2 think about...

posted 6/1/2011 5:18:32 AM |
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  DickSlippery

Ive lived here in Sacramento now for 40 some odd years (ok...40 mostly odd years), and even though living here sucks even worse than Slayer does, at least living here has pretty much put an end 2 any argument over whether or not there is any validity 2 climate change. I mean, c'mon already, by the time this gets posted its gonna be the First of June, right? Yeah, well it rained earlier today, and its colder outside right now than the reception U get the first time U see Ur mother-in-law again after she catches U nakes and passed out in the garden, right behind her prize-winning azalias. This is in a spot that usually doesnt see any rain at all between april and october and has usually by now seen at least one or two of the maybe a dozen or so 100 degree days its gonna get every year. So far this year I think the highest it has reached is mid-eighties, if that!

And then there's the tornadoes. So far this year we have had eight of them. Now I know that may not seem so bad 2 some poor bastard sitting in the rubble that used 2 be his motor home in Joplin, Missouri, but U have 2 put it in perspective. When U are used 2 seeing um...well...none of them in a "normal" calandar year, eight of them can be a little overwhelming. Besides, I thought the deal was the midwest gets the tornadoes, the south gets the hurricanes, we get the earthquakes and New York gets the Mets. I like it that way. It provides me a sense of stability. What next...sharks on land?

The snow hasnt even melted yet, and there is a fucking shitload of it up there, 2! Like 190% of normal, or some ridiculous shit like that. Naturally, when the Powers That Be were informed of this news they couldnt fucking wait 2 announce that our nearly decade long drought had finally come 2 an end. Yeah...ok...look, Im no meteroroligist, but Im thinking (and we all know had bad that can be) U might want 2 wait until we've had a run of at least two or three years in a row of rainfall before we start announcing shit is over. I mean, just how long do U think that extra 90% is gonna last if the shit dries up again? This is the land of Slip-n-Slides and swimming pools, after all. Not 2 mention fake boobs! Gotta have water if U wanna have a wet t-shirt contest, after all!

Speaking of meteoroligists, there is this chick who does the weather for Channel 3 here in Sacramento, and they have been running this commercial for their local newscast for a couple of months or so. Anyway, this broad says in the spot, "I think people tune into the weather forcast expecting it 2 be as close as possible 2 what the weather is actually going 2 be." NO SHIT, BITCH! Thats why we call it a forcast, and not the I Wish This Was What The Weather Was Gonna Be Like For Reals Power Hour! I know its not that big of a deal, but the shit irritates me. These are the people who are feeding us our information, man! They should at least be smarter than I am. I really dont think that thats all that fucking high of a standard 2 set. Go ahead...ask my wife. She'll tell U that Im a fucking idiot. Then, if U want, U can parade a slutty-looking latina bitch around in front of me for a couple of minutes and actually watch my IQ drop by 20-25 points. I go from a resonably educated, able 2 hold his own watching Jeopardy kinda guy 2 Coco the fucking gorilla. Except I dont know the sign for "banana", so what does that tell U? Shit...dont ask me! Im the one who aint even smart as a monkey, remember?

But thats not what Im talking about right now, and I will thank U not 2 bring it up again. Im talking about some important shit. well...more important than some bimbo on the local cable access news, anyway. Yeah...ok. That was a shot at Channel 3. I think they suck. Which is actually kinda fitting, now that I think about it, considering their broadcast area. Which I am not doing, because thats not what Im talking about! I dont even remember wtf I was talking about now. Oh yeah...the impending destruction of civilization due 2 global warming...thats right!

I think it kinda blows that there has been like 200,000 years worth of human existence and we gotta be around when it all goes 2 shit. What ever happened 2 the good old days of raping the planet of its resources for the purpose of accumulating vast amounts of treasure and then just letting our grandchildren worry about it? Oh yeah...our grandparents used them all up, the fucking assholes. I swear 2 god, win a couple of world wars and all the sudden U dont have 2 give a shit about the ozone layer anymore? Really? The fucking ozone layer? We kinda sorta need it, people! I cant be the only one who has noticed an upswing in sunblock sales. They didnt even have that shit when I was a kid! Actually, when I was growing up the only sunblock we had was shade.

Still, I seem 2 remember my mother telling me, "Go outside and play. The fresh air will do U some good." Which really meant, "Get out of my sight before I kill U. The peace and quiet will do us both some good. Me more than U. Now beat it, kid. U bother me." Nowadays U hear parents telling their children 2 come inside out of the sun and dont forget Ur inhaler. And we wonder why everybody is so fucking fat. I really cant be the only one who has noticed this shit.

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Comments:

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DickSlippery

Jun 1 @ 5:20AM  
Oh fuck! And what about the bees? I remember when I was a kid there were bees everywhere! Now? Not so much. As a matter of fact, the whole time I was growing up we heard about these killer fucking bees from Africa that had somehow stowed away on a boat or something and landed in Brazil, where they were now making their way north towards the US! It was terrifying! Hollywood even made a crappy disaster flick about it somewhere in between Earthquake and The Towering Inferno. Then, after 50 years of flying north they finally reach Northern California and nothing...nada...zip! The whole fucking African killer bee thing is a bust. Not really stacking up the bodies over here. I did see one of the Africanized bees not 2 long ago. It didnt try 2 kill me though. It just asked me 2 deposit a check for him. Something about his mother's the queen, but all of his assets are tied up in the family's honey business so if I would just do him this favor he would break me off a couple grand for my troubles. Yeah, I thought it was bullshit 2, but hey...the check cleared! Whose laughing now, motherfuckers?

All right, well...I gotta go. The bank is calling me. The probably want 2 offer me a line of credit or a toaster or something. But we'll talk again soon. Until then I'll just keep on

Keeping u posted

DS
samclaunts

Jun 1 @ 5:53AM  
Very good blog and a good job of writing, I enjoyed reading it
girlcountry

Jun 1 @ 9:45AM  
Your blogs always crack me up! Waiting for the next one!
sugarnspice005

Jun 1 @ 12:19PM  
Wow, twice in a week's time!!! You blogging that is.

Weather? It's been weird to say the least this year so far.

Banks? Don't even want to talk about them...
1bunny629

Jun 1 @ 12:54PM  
...it is the heat of hell here now....
xquseme

Jun 2 @ 9:09AM  
and New York gets the Mets
Wow! Talk about natural disasters!
I go from a resonably educated, able 2 hold his own watching Jeopardy kinda guy 2 Coco the fucking gorilla. Except I dont know the sign for "banana"
Yeah, watching "How I Met Your Mother" instead of "Jeopardy" will do the same thing...
(Substituting Barney for Alex Trebek as a role model is definitely a downgrade!)
Gotta have water if U wanna have a wet t-shirt contest, after all!
Sounds like something I got in a fortune cookie, once...
I did see one of the Africanized bees not 2 long ago. It didnt try 2 kill me though. It just asked me 2 deposit a check for him. Something about his mother's the queen, but all of his assets are tied up in the family's honey business so if I would just do him this favor he would break me off a couple grand for my troubles.
Yeah, I think I got an email from his hive...

Always love reading your stuff. Glad you're back!!
Luvrgrl

Jun 19 @ 1:49PM  
Well I will be a dirty pin in shit!

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just some shit 2 think about...