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God Apologizes for Missing the Rapture, Blames Microsoft Outlook

posted 5/23/2011 1:03:29 PM |
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Everlasting Father says a software glitch caused Him to miss Judgment Day, leaving thousands stuck here on Earth.
An eSarcasm exclusive.

By Dan Tynan (@tynan_on_tech)
May 23, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The Almighty Creator has apologized for missing judgment day on Saturday, stranding thousands of true believers as they waited to ascend to their heavenly reward. The Maker of All Things blamed a bug in Microsoft Outlook for the mistake.

“I had that Rapture on my calendar for like 7,000 years,” He says. “Then last week Outlook crashed while I was syncing and I lost nearly everything. Fucking Microsoft!”

On May 21, the Supreme Being says He already had three Creations, 1,874 ritual sacrifices, the annihilation of an entire galaxy and 34,178 bar mitzvahs to attend to. There was no longer any time left for Rapture management.

“By the time I realized the Rapture wasn’t on there, it was too late,” He said. “You can’t just throw one of these things together at the last minute. The paperwork is intense.”

The One and True God says he won’t be able to squeeze in another Rapture until September 23, 2019, but He’s willing to keep the date open if enough souls are able to reschedule.

“The good news is that gives Earthlings eight more years to atone for their sins, accept my son as their personal savior, and nail Natalie Portman,” He added.

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post a comment!


May 23 @ 1:53PM  
and nail Natalie Portman

Works for me!

Doomsday prophet, followers ‘flabbergasted’ world didn’t end:

Is this guy even awake? Doesn't look like it!!


May 23 @ 3:49PM  
¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Rapture not found.
EVENT "Rapture" cannot be located. The rapture you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.

Imagine that

May 24 @ 11:37AM  
That's funny! What an imagination some people have!

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God Apologizes for Missing the Rapture, Blames Microsoft Outlook