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posted 2/20/2011 7:04:42 PM |
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A man was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge when he was pulled over by an officer. The office comes up to the man’s window and says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies, “Obviously over 55.”

The officer was checking out the man and his car when he says, “What the hell is a bum looking guy like you doing driving a fancy, expensive car like this? What do you do for a living anyway?”

The man replies, “I am an asshole stretcher.”

The cop says, “An asshole stretcher?! What the hell is that?”

The man begins to explain. “Well people call me up wanting their assholes stretched so I go over to their house. First I have them lay on the floor and then I insert one finger into the asshole then another and another eventually I work my fist in and then the other fist until they are both in and I begin stretching until I get to about 6 feet.”

The officer then looking disgusted says, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?”

The man replies, “Give them a badge and let them write tickets on the bridge.”

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Feb 20 @ 7:11PM  

Good one

Feb 20 @ 7:23PM  
That was good!!!! Wonder how many cops have heard that one.

Feb 20 @ 7:24PM  
A young woman was pulled over for doing 80 in a 65. She batted her eyes to the cop, "Now, Officer, you wouldn't write a pretty girl a ticket would you?" The officer replied, "No, ma'am I wouldn't. Please sign here."

Feb 20 @ 7:31PM  
That was good!!!! Wonder how many cops have heard that one.

The majority I imagine. The first time I heard it was at a party years and years ago told by cop. I've heard cops at parties tell it since then. But, no big deal. Hell, if you stop and think about it, what jokes (including mine) aren't old?

Feb 20 @ 7:35PM  
Oh Hell... nothing new there- mine gets stretched each tax season when they shove the baseball bat up my ass, sideways!


Feb 20 @ 7:50PM  
In that same spirit, here is the joke I have heard law enforcement officers I have been acquainted with tell the most (yes it is old and stale):

Officers were doing a DWI crackdown and staking out a bar from way back in a parking lot across the street. They see a guy come out staggering. One officer raises his binoculars to watch and sees that the man is having considerable difficulty getting his key into to the car door to unlock it. The man finally succeeds and drives off. He is pulled over.

The cops are astounded to find that his speech is perfect with no smell of alcohol present. They give him a battery of field sobriety tests and he passes with flying colors. They are perplexed and ask him about what they saw and his tests. He tells them, "I'm the designated decoy. While you have been with me, all of the drunks left going the other way."

Feb 20 @ 8:21PM  
Lesson in management!
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The Moral to the story

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Feb 21 @ 1:15AM  
...I saw the title and I knew I had to read it....ya didn't let me down.... ...but seriously...i doubt I will try that iffin I ever get pulled over......again.....

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