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Animal Jokes - Reprise From 2008

posted 2/4/2011 9:31:51 AM |
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  Wordsofwit

There are couple of people that we rarely see any more that used to be prolific joke posters two to four years ago with quite a few that were funny and some that were fresh, our beloved Sunshine and the venerable Father Max. You will find a gold mine of funnies on their blogs if you give them a click

I, myself, have posted three to four hundred jokes on here, usually as a collection. So without further adieu, animal jokes:

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work. However, in his excitement he leaves the package open on the table and his pet parrot eats all of the pills. Seeing what happened and panicking, the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately the man's own viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home & it is hours before he remembers the parrot. He runs & looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat & totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "you were in there for hours & yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs on a frozen chicken?"

Two adolescent whales, a male and a female, were swimming in the Sea of Japan enjoying a nice day and checking out the ships that were passing by. As they approached this one ship, the male shuddered and stopped.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I think I recognize that ship.” Moving closer in confirmed his apprehension. “Yes, I do recognize it. It is a whaling ship. The one that killed my father!”
“Let’s get out of here!!” She shrieked.
“NO! We need to make sure that ship doesn’t kill any more whales!” He stated with emphatic determination.
“How do you propose to do that?” She asked.
“I think if we come up on it in a hurry, inhale as much air as we can, we can dive under it and exhale on one side of it enough to capsize it.” He calculated.
Her courage rising, she agrees and they swim as fast as they can, inhaling as much air as they can muster before they dive. They come under the ship and exhale with all of their might and the ship rolls over and begins to sink as the sailors abandon ship to proceed swimming towards the shore.
“We did it!!” She gleefully exclaims. “Come on, let’s go.”
“We can’t stop now!!!” he yells . “They will just get another ship and kill more whales. Let’s run the surface and gobble them all up.”
She refuses, saying “No, I went along with the blow job, but I am not swallowing the seamen!”

A drunk guy comes home carrying a sheep. He goes to the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading a book. "This is the pig I sleep with whenever you refuse me," he says.
His wife replies with disgust, "If you weren't so damned drunk, you would notice that is a sheep you are carrying, not a pig!"
"I wasn't talking to you," he retorts.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchuate."

Continued in comments

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Wordsofwit

Feb 4 @ 9:33AM  
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. This day, they were visiting in a hospital.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster and told this to the market vendor.__The vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" __So the farmer bought Randy and took him back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk: "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And with that, Randy strutted into the hen house.__Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But, Randy didn't stop there.__Randy went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.__Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.__The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Randy! You'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.__Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.__The farmer walked up to Randy. "Shhhhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Wordsofwit

Feb 4 @ 9:34AM  
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says: "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whisky sour." The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies: "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says: "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you! get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man. "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" says the dog. The bartender is amazed: "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's 10 bucks and you can keep the change afterward." "OK," says the dog and he takes the 10 dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where's the dog. So, both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts: "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged: "Hell, I've never had any money before."

A penguin decides to take a vacation in Nevada. He's driving through a small town when his car starts acting up. He manages to make it to a garage, and leaves it there for the mechanic to work on. He walks over to a convenience store, and as it's very hot, he decides to get an ice-cream bar. Being that he doesn't have any opposable thumbs, he makes a bit of a mess, and gets melted ice cream all over his face. He goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal", and he replies "No, it's just ice cream."

An elderly woman comes into a veterinarian's office with what appears to be a dead parrot. The veterinarian quickly looks over the bird and tells her it is deceased.
"How can you be so sure? You didn't even run any tests? I want a thorough evaluation." she requests.
"Okay," the veterinarian replies and he excuses himself and leaves. He returns with a black retriever. The dog looks at the parrot and shakes it's head no. The veterinarian excuses himself and leaves with dog. He then returns with a fluffy Persian which takes a look at the parrot and shakes it's head no. The veterinarian excuses himself and leaves with the persian. Upon returning he says, "Your parrot is dead."
"I asked you to run some tests!" she exclaims.
"I did. Your parrot is dead. You saw the lab report and results of the cat scan."

Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender yells at Jim, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" Jim says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim "He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies Jim. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Wordsofwit

Feb 4 @ 9:35AM  
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a woman. That evening, the man brought the newcomer to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to the woman and told her he hadn't had sex for months. She batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?


A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

As the world transcended into the 20th century, a tribal chief and his village eagerly anticipated the imminent birth of the latest member of the chief's family. The child was born, white as snow. The chief was mad and horrified. There was only one white man in the area, a missionary who had befriended the tribe and always appeared to behave most honorably.
The chief marched over the to missionary's home seeking justice, but being a fair man, would give the missionary an opportunity to explain.
The missionary sought to explain the phenomenon. "It is God's way of showing how the world is not exact. It is called random selection. For example, look out upon my pasture. All of the sheep are white, yet among the many lambs, one is black. Do you understand?"
The chief pondered what the missionary said carefully and then replied, "Yes, I see your point. I will say nothing further about the child, provided that you say nothing further about the lamb."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw her as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off."

Wordsofwit

Feb 4 @ 9:38AM  
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head. The receptionist asks, “How can we help you?” The duck replies, “I need to get this guy’s head out of my ass?”

A 13 year old boy asks his mother if he can go to the movies. She agrees provided he gets his chores done first. The kid dawdles around and doesn’t get them done until a few minutes before show time. As he is leaving for the theater his mother reminds him to make sure the gate is closed so the ducks don’t get out. He bolts out of the gate and he suddenly realized he had forgotten his money so darts back into the house to get it. When comes back out he sees that gate is open and there is a duck heading down the road. Fortunately, it is going towards the theater. He chases it down and catches it near the theater. There isn’t time to go back home without missing the beginning of the picture, so he stuffs it down his pants. During a steamy love scene in the movie, the duck begins to fidget. The boy unzips his pants and the duck pops its head out. To keep it from quacking he begins to pet it. A lady with her husband sitting behind and off to the side notices what is happening but is not sure what is going on. She mentions it to her husband and he glances over and sees the boy stroking the duck. He leans over to his wife and explains that boys do that and he did the same thing when he was that age. A few minutes later she nudges him and points towards the boy. The husband says, “Honey, I just explained to you that he was pleasuring his best friend.” She replied, “I understand that but his best friend is eating popcorn.”

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

A man, visiting Los Angeles, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it, it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.

The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.

At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But, as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.

The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the ocean, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the rat into the water, where they drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise." The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know how much do you want for that statue of a Mexican taking a siesta?"
Wordsofwit

Feb 4 @ 9:38AM  
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT !!
RevDocLove

Feb 4 @ 1:15PM  

This should have been titled, "Jokes My Grandpappy Told To Me"
(The devil made me do that )
hog77297

Feb 4 @ 1:24PM  
See old jokes of which I'd heard before but I laughed at them again almost as much as the first time I heard them.
Thanks for the memory and a greenie for the reminder and laughs!
1bunny629

Feb 4 @ 1:33PM  
...I do miss our Sunshine! Father Max wrote me yesterday.
shyguy140

Feb 4 @ 1:40PM  
Good ones
lunanegra

Feb 4 @ 3:00PM  
Sun does need to liven shit up here, but you know...having a life actually does distract people and all.
RevDocLove

Feb 4 @ 4:56PM  
Speaking of Sunshine, did you know her anf I shared a couple of joke sites???

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Animal Jokes - Reprise From 2008