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The Summary of my e-mails for the last year

posted 2/2/2011 9:45:21 PM |
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  hog77297


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet except mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!


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The Summary of my e-mails for the last year
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Comments:

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RevDocLove

Feb 2 @ 10:21PM  
And..May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
and may your wife/GF get runners in her hose
Life's really bitch
LadyRamRod

Feb 2 @ 10:24PM  
Hog i don't think your giving us enough time to send out 144.000 emails in 70 minutes, besides i don't have enought money to buy all those email stamps
pinklipstick2

Feb 3 @ 12:04AM  
note to self email my 144,000 bff and tell them email stamp are going up
somnium

Feb 3 @ 12:28AM  
About the poop in the glue:

Self sealing envelope flaps solves that problem!

About the KFC chickens:

I go to Church's- it sounds like their chickens have some kind of a religious background and so, won't do you any harm!

About the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending out to everyone:

I've been waiting for mine [tapping my fingers] for quite a while and am just beginning to become impatient with it all!

About the Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains:

I've read it also removes rust on auto bumpers too!

About being drugged with a perfume sample and robbed:

It's even more effective after sitting in church in 110ยบ temp., with all the little old ladies bathed in that 'universal church perfume', then wandering in the parking lot in a daze!


cardplayerAKQJ10

Feb 3 @ 3:49AM  


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

you were watching me yesterday...
Wordsofwit

Feb 3 @ 4:57AM  
The Summary of my e-mails for the last year

I guess I'm ahead of my time. I got all of that in the previous century.
sugarnspice005

Feb 3 @ 10:17AM  
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet except mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

That one had me laughing

Those forward emails sure are something aren't they?
flavorbuster

Feb 3 @ 11:08AM  
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Roaches eat glue & I did find a roach leg stuck on an envelope seal so trickle water in the sink or buy the self sealing envelopes
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Taking a sanitation course in the Army revealed that under a special light rat piss can be seen because it can't be with just the naked eye






Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I guess so it's good to neutralize battery acid enough to get the hooptie started


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
Damn my dad always told me you can use it in the place of condoms if you don't have any











Wordsofwit

Feb 3 @ 11:21AM  
Those forward emails sure are something aren't they?

Yeah, they kind of redefine the concept of recycling trash.

In past years, I have had to threaten many friends with being blocked for sending me that crap, and actually did block some. Sending and allowing that stuff to come in is also how viruses are spread and how you get on spam lists. Thankfully, I have gotten very little of it in the last few years. Besides it isn't like I haven't seen it dozens of times since Clinton was in office

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The Summary of my e-mails for the last year