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Genesis, the True Story by the Skwirl

posted 1/5/2011 7:01:58 PM |
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  theSkwirl

Disclaimer: If you like to get butthurt over parodies of God, Religion or dirty words.. don't fuckin read my goddamned blog.

Ok here’s how it really happened. In the beginning was the word, and the word was damnit. And all the Cool Gods ™ were using the word, til it got dirty. Thus was coined the first dirty word. Then the Cool Gods™ went to the Turkish Bath to hang out and circle jerk. So here’s Zeus, Osiris, Thor, YVHV and Jah nekkid in the hot tub, and Jah is passing around some stinky sticky and the rest of the Cool Gods™ were toking along. Suddenly, Thor has a great idea. “Dudes, srsly, srsly dudes, let’s all jerk at the same time and the first one to splooge is the creator of the next planet.” So they start yanking, but Jah is so baked he takes a break to eat some brownies. Thor forgets to lay down his hammer and accidentally whacks himself in the nuts. Osiris laughs so hard he splits into a bunch of little pieces so his mommy/wife, Isis has to get the stupid glue and put him back together. Zues is fapping so fast lightening shoots out his pin hole and only YVHV gets his shot off.

Thus was the earth formed. And the Cool Gods™ see that it is good. And then they sit back and have a few more tokes. On the 8th day.. Jah gets a wild hair up his ass and says to the other Gods, “Hey, I’m bored, let’s fuck with something.” The others agree so they create man.

Man was the ultimate creation, because the Cool Gods™ have given him the power of rational and irrational thought. Sadly, man chooses irrational more often than not. But man is lonesome and kinda retarded, can’t even fix his own damned sammich.. so Zeus creates WoMan. Who is HOT.. and smart enough to know which side of the bread is the “IN” side. Zeus makes her the keeper of the lady bits because Man cannot be trusted with them. Everyone knows that Man likes to break his toys the first time he plays with them. Anyway I digress.. YVHV being a bit dimwitted tells man not to listen to the woman and not to eat the apples.. but the woman tells man, either eat the damned apple or go hungry.. so man eats.. and YVHV has a massive hissing fit and screams, “You kids, get off my lawn!!!”

And that’s how it all started.

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by theSkwirl:
Whine and Philosphize.
It's Been a While ...
Mondays... you never know what a Skwirl might do...
Idiots, Idioms and Idiosyncrasies.
Dearly Beloved; Farewell to Chuck, our Night of Old.
In Like a Lion
Another story.. good times.
What kind of Vert are you?
A very insightful poem
Here We Go Again...I've been thinking.
still kickin
Not gonna be around much
Genesis, the True Story by the Skwirl
My Dearest Baby Brother.,, :P
Merry Christmas and Harpy Nude Rear
The Case of the Ancient Arm Eater
Taz: the little ball of fluff that could. (another pet story)
A Charley Horse! (a pet blog)
I Sold My Soul To Dr. Seuss
Two things.. a thank you and a story.
The Infamous Carrot Fiasco, and other stories
Lessons Learned (yeah another remeniscence)
Crocus for Grandma
It's A Hard Candy Christmas
Usually...


Comments:

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theSkwirl

Jan 5 @ 7:03PM  
Why yes, yes I did self-kudo.. and I'd do it again if I could.
B9CC1D

Jan 5 @ 7:14PM  
I wouldn't be surprised if it's true.

The Japanese creation myth says that a bored god was just stirring the ocean with his spear and got some sand on the tip. When he lifted the spear out, the sand dripped onto the water and became the island of Japan.

Then some gorgeous chick by the name of Amaterasu had a kind of orgasm-birth-thingy and thousands of fairies flew out of her and went down to the island. Wherever a fairy landed it became a sacred place of importance.

Which is about as possible as the Big Bang, I guess, unless you're a geologist.
aftershox

Jan 5 @ 7:24PM  
Does this mean you are no longer collecting taxes, but passing the collection plate instead?

I believe!
KitKat25

Jan 5 @ 7:25PM  
Disclaimer: If you like to get butthurt over parodies of God, Religion or dirty words.. don't fuckin read my goddamned blog.
Now that's ^^^^ a disclaimer.

And to think...I've had the story wrong for all these years. It's great to finally know the truth. Kudos on a fun story Ms. Skwirl...especially when read while drinking a nice chai tea.
lunanegra

Jan 5 @ 7:39PM  
It might've...it just might've

Since I'm of African descent where does the original Spider-Man, Anasi come into all of this?
theSkwirl

Jan 5 @ 7:56PM  
Dangit Luna, you've dun stumped me.. I've no idea .. I'll have to do some research and get back to you on that one.
B9CC1D

Jan 5 @ 7:56PM  
where does the original Spider-Man, Anasi come into all of this?

He tells you a story that it was all his idea then convinces you that you owe him for telling you the story.
theSkwirl

Jan 5 @ 7:57PM  
Heck yeah, I'm passin the collection plate.. some people ain't payin their tithe though.. a skwirl's gotta eat.
B9CC1D

Jan 5 @ 8:00PM  
Course, being Scots/Irish I wanna know where Yanet, the Celtic goddess of sex comes into play. You just know she wasn't going to put up with that YHWH jizz.
ladybootscooter

Jan 5 @ 8:00PM  
I was buying it all the way up to get off my lawn......I always heard it was "Everybody outta the pool!" But I leaves you a shiny green thingy!
theSkwirl

Jan 5 @ 8:11PM  
The "everyone out of the pool' line came later after the apples when Eve finally showed Adam what his penis was for and YHVH got all grumpy about the smell and the fishes.

The other Gods and Goddesses were out in the land of Nod doing what Gods and Goddesses do best.. fornicating and making wine!
RevDocLove

Jan 5 @ 8:44PM  
where does the original Spider-Man, Anasi come into all of this?
Yeah and you also forgot Hank, the god of all parking lots
NightOfOld

Jan 5 @ 8:48PM  


No wonder I love Skwirls. They're sex Goddesses.
B9CC1D

Jan 5 @ 8:50PM  
Yeah and you also forgot Hank, the god of all parking lots.

Okay, you made me get salsa up my nose because of this.
tassie1

Jan 6 @ 1:38AM  
spiderman...
what about spider pig


you should wander over to the pegleg bar, we bin hangin godly jokes lately
sugarnspice005

Jan 6 @ 11:03AM  
First I'll drop a kudo into the collection plate.

It's quite possible this is really how it all started...I mean...sounds about like what we have going in reality when looking at world leaders.
lilofval

Jan 6 @ 8:52PM  
So that's what happened !!!

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Genesis, the True Story by the Skwirl