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Don't Ask, Don't Tell

posted 12/28/2010 10:42:31 AM |
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  Wordsofwit

No, this post is not about gays in the military. It is about a dating issue. Sometimes like owning a vehicle, relationships can get totaled out in a wreck or breakdown beyond repair. When either happens, it can suddenly lead to getting by on foot or getting off by hand. Neither is a preferred method of getting to where one wants to go.

In either case, sometimes there needs to be an interim solution that may not be desirable for the long term, but still represents an upgrade in circumstances. With a vehicle, you just get to where you want to go until you find what you want, then you replace it. This is pretty easy and there are no ethical questions. After all, it isn’t like the car’s feelings are going to get hurt and possibly provoke it to anger.

It gets a bit more complex when we are looking at Mr. or MS. Right Now who has little or no potential for being an LTR candidate. Unfortunately, while we may enjoy the benefits of what we know to be a short term arrangement, the other person may have a different outlook and see potential for happily ever after.

What do you do then? What have you done under these circumstances?

Is it bad form to enjoy going places at the other’s expense and/or enjoying sex with a partner without saying how you really feel if not asked?

Now, with all due respect, I am looking to get real, honest answers. Some people on here, especially guys, seem to give answers that women want to hear at the expense of veracity.

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Comments:

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lilofval

Dec 28 @ 2:39PM  
I think you already know the answer Wow. Put yourself in that other persons shoes. Would YOU want to be used that way ? Regardless of whether or not you have been asked what your "feelings" are you seem to know what the other persons expectations are and letting that other person keep going on those expectations when you KNOW it's never going to happen is just plain wrong. Not only is it wrong it's asking for a really bad way to end that relationship when that other person finds out what you were doing. As a side note ~ I'm using the term "you" loosely meaning anyone in this type of situation not "you" in particular.

Yes I have been in that situation several times. When a someone who is a friend expects there to be more. I explain gently and firmly that I just don't have those kind of feelings for that person and that as much as I wish things could be different I don't see it changing. I have several male friends who I have managed to keep as friends simply by being upfront and honest about the situation. I have also lost friends that way but I always gave them the choice to remain friends or not with ALL the facts.
ksk72

Dec 28 @ 2:41PM  
FB = Fuck Buddy is just that and I think its best to tell them upfront. If they have a problem with it then least your honest. I know being a girl its easier to get a fuck buddy that doesnt end up falling for ya but I have still had plenty that did. Sounds kinda mean but I tell them upfront and if they get hurt I feel it was their problem and not mine. I will say I have been with Rob for over 2 yrs now and I still have the occasional past fuck buddy trying to get with me. Watch out for the overly clingy ones it gets annoying
Wordsofwit

Dec 28 @ 3:09PM  
There are two different opinions here. From my end, they both have valid points. There is often a joker in the deck. The joker is that the libido gets turned loose by both people before the heart does, barring love at first sight.

There are a lot of variables at work like how soon did the people get randy versus how soon did the one seeing limited or no LTR potential become aware of it.

Regardless, I have known many women who screamed that they were being "used" after I ascertained it wasn't going any further after a few to several weeks. Often this happened even though we were in bed after the first date or two, often the first night. Women get really pissed when they get dumped.
B9CC1D

Dec 28 @ 6:53PM  
My policy has always been to say everything up front. More often than not that confuses people and pushes them away. It's a strange society where spin and lies are not only anticipated but expected.

However, considering the number of polyamorous circumstances or multiple partner sessions I've had, I would say my methods are far from unsuccessful.

Opinion is that every time you mislead a partner or allow them to mislead themselves you have not only failed in upholding your personal honor and excellence, but you have run the risk of creating a problem with longer lasting effects.
Wordsofwit

Dec 28 @ 7:04PM  
Within one's self, there is a time to be forthright once variables become fixed and revealed.
theSkwirl

Dec 28 @ 7:07PM  
Say up front. Tell em, hey, I enjoy your company. I like being with you, but I'm not up for anything more than fun.
sugarnspice005

Dec 28 @ 7:10PM  
I'm with Skwirl and B9......say it up front. Bottom line.
Wordsofwit

Dec 28 @ 7:16PM  
I like being with you, but I'm not up for anything more than fun.

It is rarely that simple based upon involvement sexually on one hand early on and somebody else's unilateral premature emotional involvement on the other.
RJ53

Dec 29 @ 10:37AM  
Regardless, I have known many women who screamed that they were being "used" after I ascertained it wasn't going any further after a few to several weeks. Often this happened even though we were in bed after the first date or two, often the first night. Women get really pissed when they get dumped

Well they were being used and you should have made it clear BEFORE you got into bed with them that is was just going to be a casual thing. There are a lot of women out there that do not have sex with someone unless they think there is relationship potential and there are a lot of guys out there who will say what those women want to hear just so they can fuck them. I am sure there are a few women out there who will do that as well but fewer by far than men.

I look at it this way, what ever you dish out to other people is going to come back to slap you in the face one of these days. Karma can be a bitch. LOL I have always made certain that people know exactly where I stand with them and have never really run into that problem except once. That person I did not have sex with but insisted on following me around like a puppy anyway. We did end up as good friends but there is no way I would have taken advantage of their feelings just because I got horny one night and wanted to get laid.

Maybe it all comes down to which brain people tend to think with when it comes to other people.
Wordsofwit

Dec 29 @ 2:31PM  
Well they were being used and you should have made it clear BEFORE you got into bed with them that is was just going to be a casual thing.

Isn't it a bit difficult to make a determination on the potential and future course of a relationship after two dates? Besides if a guy is unattached and a good looking woman is not only willing but probably wanting to get naked and frolic, the perspective you suggest is not only unrealistic, but somewhat comical with all due respect. Besides, if you turned them down and/or put a limitation on it even though the jury was out on potential, they would probably get pissed and dump your ass!
Wordsofwit

Dec 29 @ 2:35PM  
Besides, it has been my experience, along with others, that the preliminary report card on LTR potential comes out at around 60 days and if you hadn't had sex, the grade would be incomplete!

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Don't Ask, Don't Tell