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posted 12/13/2010 12:46:52 AM |
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  awynn_1


I am living my life as a single person, content with pets with hopes of making a life long contribution to the world on a broader basis then the one on ones I do at present. I have worked in many fields related to IT/LAN-WAN/Telecom/Data Communications as an installer/help desk problem solver.

I hope to build a business online, working out of the home. At present I am temping here and there, looking for full time work while I strive at doing my own thing. I am average looking ok, seldom drink and never smoke anything and like women on a light friendship, platonic level for now. I do like a diet with water, soy milk, raw juices melons etc. I like to be clean cut and try to dress decent when ever possible. I strive to have a sense of humor which I use to cover up my troubles as they come and go.

Last Relationship:

I almost married late in life to the most beautiful women in the whole world!! She was always happy and active, into many areas of interest like me. I have never truly loved anyone as much as I loved this woman. We bought a house together with hopes of remodeling and creating a home for a family. She showed me friendship, compassion, love and gave me a new meaning of what a woman could offer a man like me over the mother and all the many others who have been judgmental, pretentious takers expecting stuff from me no matter how upfront I was with them.

For the first time in my life I was with someone who was just very god natured with out practicing religious private sector activities. How could I help but love her with everything I had. Michelle always seemed so happy and that really helped me to loosen up some from some of the heartache in my past. Anyway, her mother moved down from PA after losing a long term job so best friend Michelle suggested we move her in with us. I was a little worried about that at first, having come from a childhood with a very aggressive, abusive mother but I just decided to go with it and open my heart to the idea and hoped it would work out. It worked out fine.

We started a lot of projects on the house such as Foundation repair by removing all the trees that were plated to close to the house, replacing many of the inside doors, electrical, phone, cable, ceiling fans, adding crown molding with hopes of making this old house into a home for a family. Wow, a family, maybe have children, everything seemed to be going so well. The first Xmas in the home was the best one I have ever experienced in all the years I have lived on this earth. I also had a great stable job working 3 - 4 days a week making close to $50,000 a year so between Michelle’s mother, Michelle and myself we had a great Xmas and funds to do a great job on the house.

Then came a big surprise, Michelle discovered she had breast cancer. It scared me to death! Now I was terrified of losing the best woman friend I had ever known so I began to research all over the world, running up thousands in phone bills only to find out she had a slim chance at best. At some point within a year she was labeled terminal. I found one last hope on a web site called IPTQ or Insulin Potentiation Therapy (IPT) - Alternative Cancer Chemotherapy that is Gentle, without major side effects.

This treatment offered the hope of more time as well as a management tool that would allow Michelle to live a normal life or at least a chance to live to fight another day. It was working for Michelle however; the guy treating her grossly over dosed her with the chemo drug called methotrexate.

She passed on Xmas day some time ago. It was horrible and has changed me more then any other past experience I have gone threw. I have always thought about the term true love, soul mate; I have dreams of what I thought love was or was not from my past but after Michelle I know the difference. How I wish she could have lived.

I look for her friendship in my dreams still. How does one really love again after going through that plus all the other loss I have known. Time maybe? I am no spring chicken now and my chances seem slim at best. I guess for now I can only try to reach out for light platonic friendship and go from there.

I really don't know beyond that right now. I won’t sleep around or go beyond friendship unless I find another best friend for life, long term. I would hope for someone who is smart and very compassionate with out pretentious judgments if that's possible?

A nice smile would be a big plus. I am a God seeker, I do not attend anywhere at present. Man made, private sector, right wing; shallow religion holds little interest for me and leaves me empty and dead inside.

At present I have and love my little dogs and hope to re-build and learn to manage what's left of my life while I wait for my day to come, where I'm taken over to the other side to be with Michelle and everyone else I have loved and lost to cancer or some other horrible ordeal. I have never been able to reconcile with my mother to this day however, Michelle's mother helps me with that loss still.

She has adopted me and I her. She is also a breast cancer survivor for over 25 years now. I would like to fix up the house in to a home still; maybe find a way to pay it off with hopes of taking care of the mother for the rest of her life if that’s possible? We are hanging by a thread right now. There are 1-2 weeks when eating is very hard but the bills on the house are paid and I am happy with that for now. I miss Michelle, her friendship and smile still.

What else can I say? Michelle was so full of life and love compared to anyone I ever knew in the past. The women in the past always seem so self absorbed and pretentious. They always seem to have a long list of conditions they came with expectations I could never keep up with.

Michelle was very smart but laid back and so easy to love and her love inspired me to want do anything I could do to make her happy. For the first time in my life I felt I could trully try and forgive the past I flet wronged me from being happy even though it was short lived and hard to continue after her death that Xmas day. I never had a reason to yell or be negative to her. It was so hard to watch someone so special suffer and pass away like that. I just wish I could have done more for her.

I now wish to do what ever I can to make the mother's remaining years as happy as possible. I wish the house was in better shape and I wish Michele and I had gotten the insurance that would have paid the house off if something happen to one of us. Who could know how soon sickness and death could creep up on her or I.

What a simple twist in fate.

Thanks for reading.

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