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Condensed History

posted 12/10/2010 11:17:16 AM |
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For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's eating the food,
drinking the beer, and complaining about their fair share. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare..
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes,
members of the military, meteorologists, airline pilots and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America .. They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

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post a comment!


Dec 10 @ 12:57PM  
Thanks for the Lesson!!! Very interesting....

Dec 10 @ 1:05PM  
Well....who would have thought it was that simple. Someone should remind them on Capital Hill.

Dec 10 @ 2:11PM  
What happens to the liberals when the conservatives get "ele phan tight ass" ?...or is that pretty normal...

Dec 10 @ 2:36PM  
ever wonder why a version like this isn't taught in schools any more?

Dec 10 @ 7:22PM  
This cannot be taught in school because most schools are ruled by liberals and besides that it's not politically correct and we will hurt their feelings.

Dec 11 @ 12:35AM  
Love it!

Kudos for the blog!

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Condensed History