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Today, It Hit Me

posted 11/21/2010 10:21:21 PM |
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tagged: family, memories
  MonkeyWoman30

It didn't really hit me until today when I was in the store. I was dragging the kids around to get things we needed for the house and then as a reward for putting up with me all day I took them to the movies.

I went to the laundry ailse to get dryer sheets and passed by the cosmetics and health and beauty ailse where the soaps and shampoos are kept.

That's when I saw the red box kit that I so often bought year after year. Every year on near the 28th of this month I would get the Old Spice gift set for my father's birthday. It was the only cologne he would ever wear, and by default he loved the deodorant and shaving gel/body wash as well. I reached to get it and put it in the cart-and then I realized I didn't need it after all. I pushed the buggy forward and smiled down at my three year old son, Grant, who asked me 'Why you cryin', Mama?'

I told him my eyes were just watering, He gave me a disbelieving look and went back to gulping down his juicebox. My six year old, Becca, reached out and grabbed my hand and looked up at me with a knowing look. She knew why I was crying; it is sad that she has known so much death in the six short years she has been on this earth. First her great grandmother, then her great uncle, then her aunt, then her great aunt, then the only living grandparent she had left on her mother's side, my father. She has come to know funerals and flowers and coffins too well; when all she should know is the delight of a flower still blooming late in the fall; and the sweet and salty taste of homemade chocolate ice cream. She should only know of childhood games and new toys on Christmas mornings; instead she also knows of burial plots and casket sprays, headstones and graveside services.

I smiled down at my daughter and wiped the tears from my eyes. I cry; I break down and cry out of the blue and for no reason, for every reason, for almost accidentally buying Old Spice that will no longer be used by anyone I know. I cry because my heart aches for the loss of so many people I cared about. I cry because somewhere I lost my way and somehow held on to nothing but anger and resentment for the man I laid to rest a little over a week ago. I cry because I never let mysef really get to know him; I never let myself care for him the way I know he cared for me. I cry for the too lates, the not good enoughs, and the I wish I would haves.

And then my daughter's eyes alight when she sees a bar of soap that looks like it has berries inside of it, She is still amazed by the little things that I have become so used to ; so accustomed to in my adulthood. I have seen the world progress from landlines to cell phones; from chunky IBM computers to laptops you can take with you anywhere. Everything she sees and learns is fresh and new to her-and the smallest things make her so excited. Tonight she wriggled a tooth free and got so excited over the fifty cents the tooth fairy will bring her for her piggy bank.

My son is so excited at the prospect of Christmas this year because he actually gets it; Santa is going to bring him gifts he wants in the middle of the night and leave them under the Christmas tree. He runs around singing 'Frosty the Snow Man' and 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' to the top of his lungs.

And we sat in the movie theater laughing out loud to the movie we had already seen not once, but twice, It hit me.

We can't all live forever. But if we're lucky, our memories will last that long.


Regards
Kristie

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Comments:

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ladybootscooter

Nov 21 @ 10:38PM  
Oh Kris hun I'm so sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my prayers...........
somnium

Nov 21 @ 11:08PM  
I'm very sorry for your loss!

Just know that you have stirred my emotions so that I need to make more of an effort to see my daughter and grand kids more often! We're close as it is, we just don't get the chance to see each other as much as I would like!

Wordsofwit

Nov 21 @ 11:58PM  
The holidays are always the spell that comes after and it reverberates. It is never easy, but it is always a rough passage.
KitKat25

Nov 22 @ 12:02AM  
You write so beautifully...and you made me think of several loved ones I have lost along the way. Your in my thoughts.

Hang in there Kris.
1bunny629

Nov 22 @ 12:33AM  
Thank you for sharing. I loved my Daddy too.
Ewe_Wish

Nov 22 @ 1:11AM  
Kris, My mother passed away almost 5 years ago and I still miss her horribly. My friends on facebook will attest to this as I just as a day of remembrance for her whereas my daughter and I did the things she use to do in an average day.........things we don't normally do like bake bread from scratch. Its the little things we do and see that bring back those memories........just know as time goes on the pain isn't as hard, tho there will be days when your heart breaks all over again.........but you know he is watching over you and your babies..........and may I suggest that at some time you buy that bottle of old spice......and maybe on days you are missing him the most put a little on a hankie and just set back and close your eyes and vision him in the room with you.........having a conversation..........don't forget to visualize him telling you how proud he is of you and how much he loves you.

your in my thoughts and prayers.
onehornytoad69

Nov 22 @ 6:31AM  
Big Hugs!!!!!
theSkwirl

Nov 22 @ 1:40PM  
The most important gift you can give to yourself and your kidlings is the gift of living every moment that you are alive. Don't spend it all in a haze of hurry hurry do do do.. take time each day to truly live that moment.

Hugs sweetheart.. it's been a rough few years for you. With luck, things will turn around now. Hugggggs.

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Today, It Hit Me