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what will be

posted 11/13/2010 6:50:15 PM |
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Tonight I was having a thought or two. And as with all my deep thoughts, they took a while to form and become an almost tangible feeling. One of loneliness, melancholy, and what ever other words you can put to looking forward to being totally alone when the spirt departs the body.

Who will be there to help me in the end? Will I have to spend my last days depending on someone to wash me, feed me, and take care of the things I now do for myself. Will there be anyone that really cares to cheer me up, or will I be surrounded by strangers who's sole purpose is to make it look like those in similar situations are being really cared for and about?

Will my funeral be one of those forgotten and forlorn, like the homeless that are given a summary burial, a few words about gods greatness etc., being spoken, if that, and then they are put away and forgotten. Will there be anyone to speak of me, as I am, not some flowery speech about my greatness, but the person, the sometimes pain in the ass, the friend, the seemingly grumpy old fart that wouldn't take a ration of shit from anyone? And then, hold a proper Irish wake on my behalf, get drunk, tell lies about me, good or bad, and really feel my passing?

I am the last of my immediate family, my older brother is almost to the point I will have to put him in a nursing home. He is still cognizant, and he can move around on his own for the most part, but i'm seeing more and more what will likely be my own end, but with no one there.

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Nov 13 @ 7:17PM  
Damn Saw! {Sorry I don't know your name} I don't know you but I'd 'bet there people that care about you and your well being. You look to me to be the type of person that would be there tor your true friends and I'm sure they would do the same for you!.
Watching your brothers deterioration has just gotten you in a melancholy mood.
I know nothing of your medical health but your mind looks to be sharp as a tack as the old saying goes.
Cheer up my friend!!!

Nov 13 @ 7:26PM  
I have a lot to add, and I will later. But let me leave you a green disk until I do. I really appreciate an engaging blog that leads one to think and feel. This kind of post is what it is all about for many people, myself included. Thanks for posting.

Nov 13 @ 7:46PM  
I've had thoughts like this myself. Yeah...I know...I'm "only" 45. But, well, I don't have any kids. One niece and one nephew..that's about it. My other sister never had kids either.

I do know that when my time comes, I don't want a burial/funeral. Just cremation and spread to the wind. My family and best friend all know this. As long as I know that I've made others lives better/happy, then I'm happy with what I've accomplished in my life.

Nov 13 @ 8:49PM  
to those of you that have commented so far, thank you. i've been down for a bit now, and just haven't been able to pull out of this hole yet. seems like every time i get my head to the top, my feet slip and i wind up back towards the bottom. i know it isn't easy for my brother either. we just had a short conversation, and i hope i made my wishes clear to him, i'm not asking much, just a little help with the dishes, wash up what you use. he took offense at me tossing the things he had used and just rinsed out in the trash. i think it got his attention tho. but will it cover any area of contention? i don't know.

Nov 13 @ 9:02PM  
I'm sorry sawduster! If I lived close enough to you I would try to come over and help you out. It wouldn't hurt your brother to clean up after himself.... there's really not much to it. Maybe you could have someone come in one day a week just to do things like sweeping and mopping and vacuuming.

I agree with what sugar said... but I want my ashes to be sprinkled around a pink rose bush....imagine that!

Nov 13 @ 9:05PM  
Aww, I've often wondered that myself. I have kids, but would the be able to take the work? The pain.. the misery.

Sigh... I hope you can find someone to be with for that part of your life.. and soon for the part of your life that can still be enjoyable. Cuz you are pretty wonderful Duster.


Nov 13 @ 9:13PM  
ok, lets not get any nasty rumors started about me being a nice guy. sheeeesh, do you realize how hard it is to stay in a foul mood all the time? even with the level of idiocy and stupidity that is rampant today. good grief.

but thanks skwirl, hugs.

Nov 13 @ 9:18PM  
Er.. sorry..

World, this is Duster, he's a mean sumbitch and has a foul attitude.

damn.. I couldn't even type that with a straight face.

Nov 13 @ 9:44PM  
It is hard to watch someone's health decline and keep your spirits up. You are a creative person with good years ahead of you. That is the thing you always need to keep in mind.

Hope things go better there for you.


Nov 13 @ 11:07PM  
Aw Mike...ya know, I understand exactly where you're coming from. As the youngest in my family I've watched family members health deteriorate and I've lost several. I'm watching my oldest sister's mind slowly slipping into a stroke induced fog...she functions ok but those strokes of years ago are becoming more and more evident.

As for me? I've wondered for the past few years who would be there for me. My kids? They declare they will be and I think that may be so. But yanno, I have to wonder....

With this move, I am certain if I'd not have told them, I could've moved and they'd not have known where the hell I went or know for sure how long I'd been gone.

But now for the good news. In just a short time, my life is changing. I've found a bunch of people that are filling my life It happened when I least expected it and it will be that way for you I expect. One day someone will come into your life when you least expect it and it will be so wonderful it will take your breath away.

As for your will deal with the situation because that's what we do. You come here and rant or share your heart and let your friends here support you. That's why it's so hard for me to leave here no matter how angry I get sometimes because there was a time when I needed this place and people was here for me and AMD has been a healing process for me.

I want to apologize to you for a time when I could've behaved better and you will know what I'm talking about. I didn't know you and didn't give you a chance. I'm sorry for that for you are an sweet, intelligent man and someday some lady will see that...they're not all stooooopid like I was, trust me.

Hugs hun....hang tough and as trite as it sounds...this too shall pass...and it will.

Nov 14 @ 3:18AM  
know how you feel somedays 'duster...
I often joke with my wife when my day comes they'll most likely have to hire a chopper to fly over most of the remore bushland in our region of tasmania cos spotting my white truck is probably the only way she'd find me, one of the downsides of working in remote forested area's on your own, sometimes falling ded and dangerous tree's, when your number is up,its up. I just hope it will be quick and I don't know about it.
I often feel for ppl who sit in a house day in and day out and become reclusive either through choice or circumstances beyond their control.
its a bit like my ole mate Doc, since his 'puter died I still can't managed to get hold of him.
at least keeping in touch here we can all be part of our pervian family and annoy the crap out of each other.

Nov 14 @ 3:24AM  
...I know exactly how you feel....I just can't talk about it right now

Nov 14 @ 6:54AM  
Man hugs to my older "amd" bro.!!!!
I have so much to write here...I'll prolly save a good part of it for a another/different blog!
Yanno...standing back and Looking into our future....
Picturing ourselves at a point in our lives...where we can't function totally on our own...SUCKS! I Refuse to do it....!!!
Sure it Happens...,and yeah...unless I am Blessed with a Heart attack....Like my Baby Sis...just had....I'll prolly end up...being cared for by Someone else!!!
My Sis spent her Life caring for Others....
Her son is Mentally challenged...and requires 95% supervision...(until he dies.)
Her Hubby had a Massive "Narcotic"induced Stroke 13 years ago.....Plus numerous other strokes..since then.....He requires...100% attention!!!
Her Living and Dieing taught me to NOT let my Family take care of me!!!!
Watching my Mom..die..this past February.....took its toll on me, and my Brother and Sis in-law ....
It would Kill Make my Family take care of me!!!
My Daughter is as hard headed as I I guess I'll have to get legal Papers drawn Make them take me to a Nursing Facility (NO at home care for me!!! )
Do whats best for your brother Man!!!!....Its Put someone you Love in a Nursing Facility!! Butttttttttt we must not forget about them..when we do!!!
My 2 cents!

Nov 14 @ 11:49AM  
Toad has a couple really good points there. Watching what happened in my family while my dad was trying to die.. sigh.. that was miserable for everyone. To the point that it was such a relief when he finally did pass over, it was kinda sad. Sad in that none of us really mourned his passing.

We did eventually.. but.. it took a while to miss him.

There's no shame in getting professional help for your loved ones. As long as you don't forget about them and not spend time with them as much as you are able.

Huggles Duster.. it's hard. This growing older thingy.. as my Gran says.. it's not for wimps.

Nov 14 @ 12:12PM  
skwirly, no growing old isn't for wimps. and i'm daily finding out just how difficult it can be for me.

one of the few reasons i have put up with my bro is that i do feel a responsibility to him, and it is together we got this little place we live in now. so in that we are linked to each other.

last night he took offense at me tossing all the dishes that had sat for the last 3 weeks in the trash. again, his attitude started to come out, but when i pointed out i had asked him to just was what he used, as he used them, and that i had been using the throw way plates and glasses, and bowls, he backed off a bit. in fact i think he actually finally figured out i had been doing a lot more for him than he realized.

some times it takes almost slapping someone to get there attention. but for a while at least, things should be a little smoother around here and i can put some of the anger i've been feeling to rest. for now.

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what will be