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I Made the Right Decision…

posted 9/12/2010 10:46:04 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
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tagged: family, life

This week has been tough. I’m talking really tough.

Most of you peeps don’t know much about my life before I moved to Canada. I tend to speak of things that have just happened…or maybe happened a few months ago…rather than what happened years ago.

Whenever another member posted a blog about spousal abuse…I usually didn’t comment…or was very short with my response. Why? Because I personally lived this nightmare many years ago. It took me 2 long years…but I finally dug deep and was able to find the courage and strength to finally leave this monster. When I left…I left with the clothes on my back…and my son.

What I didn’t leave behind was the memories…or the feelings of what that 2 year marriage did to me…of how it changed me…and shifted my POV of the world around me. I rarely talk about this period of my life. It’s a dark and horrible cave of twisted memories and feelings that I choose to keep buried.

I could tell quite a few horrific tales…but why bother? It’s all been told before. I will sum it up to violence so severe that I refused to date another guy for 8 years after my divorce.

My son and I have had our ups and downs…more ups than downs IMO. We were two peas in a pod until we hit a rough patch during his teens. But we weathered through this storm to develop an adult relationship that I have come to cherish.

This is the part where it gets tricky. My son has been asking me to try and locate his dad again…yanno…the monster. And I’ve readily done this…and even paid a couple of times to try and locate his dad without any success. Such is the case when people are laying low and trying to avoid child support enforcement. At last count…this man owed me somewhere is the neighborhood of $80,000.

Well…I finally got around to searching for his dad a couple of weeks ago…and located a promising lead. I gave this information to my son Thursday night while we had dinner...and he could barely contain himself. I was truly happy for him because he was obviously excited about the possibility of finally getting to meet his dad.

Now...let’s fast forward to last night. My son called me on the phone to tell me about his first conversation with his dad’s mom…his grandmother. I was immediately bombarded with questions of “why did I do this” or “why didn’t I do that” regarding this part of his family.

I was stunned…and speechless…and caught completely off guard. My son then started interrogating me about why I had kept "them" from him. Say what?!?! As diplomatically as possible…I calmly told him that I had tried numerous times to find these family members ...even though they made it quite difficult for me to find them. I further stated that his dad had been located for back child support 6 years ago…and right at the point when they were going to start garnishing his wages…he quit his job and moved…and completely vanished.

I quickly discovered that my approach was flawed. My son has raged at me during numerous phone calls over the past 24 hours. I’ve sat quietly as I let him take his anger out on me because I quickly realized that he didn’t want the facts…or the truth. He simply wanted someone to yell at…someone who will be there tomorrow when he’s no longer angry.

Only time will tell if I made the right decision by giving my son this information. Right now…I’m very much regretting my decision. I realize my son needs time to process these new family members…but it is so hard not to take some of his words to heart.

I’ve had to bite my tongue to keep from sharing all the gory details of why I made the decision I made why back when. No kid wants to hear negative things about their parents…and I think some things are better left in the past.

I wish I could fast forward to a point where my son is over his shock…accusations…and anger. My heart is completely broken right now...and the pain is almost unbearable. This is not an easy pill to swallow…but I take solace in the fact that I know my son loves me…and I know this is just a single moment in our relationship.

I also know that when I needed to...I made the right decision…and that will have to be enough for now.

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post a comment!


Sep 12 @ 10:56PM  
Truth hurts. I didnt know my father till I was 14. My mother never said a bad thing about him. Just that in time I would find out what he was like and can make my own decisions. Found out that he treated me like all his kids. Didnt want much to do with us till we were old enough to do the things he liked. never really wanted to be a parent. Dont know if you made the right decision but hang in there. Like everything else hindsight is 20/20.

Sep 12 @ 11:09PM  
hang in there ....

his anger is just a lot of bottle up pain that is spewing and you are available to vent ..
bravo for understanding him ..

the truth always prevails .. just sucks sometimes when it takes a year or two to settle down .. with our children..


Sep 12 @ 11:46PM  
You're going through a tough time right now but it'll settle down soon... you did what you had to do. You can't beat yourself up over it. Your son is mad now and you are getting blamed for alot, that's not right! His father needs to be held accountable for his actions. I would be afraid for that monster to be back in your life in any capacity. I hope you don't have problems out of him from this. You'll be in my thoughts girl.... you already have been!!

Sep 13 @ 12:19AM  
You have been through one hellacious, agonizing, gut retching week.

Sep 13 @ 12:31AM  
It'll take time for your son to sort things out- after all, this is a whole new set of information coming at him all at once! Once he realizes that you did try to contact his father over time and that his father has been using an 'escape and evasion' tactic to shirk his responsibilities, it'll all fall into place for your son! I wouldn't beat yourself up on this- let it take care of itself IMO!

Just my 2¢ worth!


Sep 13 @ 2:26AM  
hey pumkin , you know i usually joke or find a funny side to most things, but here's an un-usually serious side to your fav aussie.
ain't nothing funny about abusive relationships period. the only solution is to bite the bullet and get out and move on.even when it seems impossible to be able to do it.
I've been through a marriage and divorce myself, and so have my parents.I sit back these days and watch my daughter struggling to maintain control of her kids whom she looks after on a full time basis while the father wants his playtime when its convenient to spoil the kids then dump them back on her so he can go on his merry way and one thing i have found.... the parent left with raising the children always seems to end up on the rough end of the pineapple when it comes to the popularity contest btwn the parents, the one spoiling them with everything they want can't lose and the one who is left to try and raise them always seems to turn out to be the party pooper.
when i was growing up my father was a cold heartless prick who would beat you with-in an inch of your life in a heartbeat, but I have noticed when he inter-acts with my lil brothers and sisters he's definately mellowed out these days. maybe ppl change as they get older, have regrets about things they've done or how they treated ppl close to them
me ? I'm doing ok with-out him in my life these days and its his loss not seeing his grandkids growing up.
as for your son, he has only seen the nice side of his father by the sound of his initial meeting, wait til the new novelty wears off a bit.some ppl never change, ride the storm out til his fathers true colours come through
I know, cold comfort at the moment....
as for our pasts I guess the bad parts make us appreciate the good parts more.

Sep 13 @ 6:41AM  
Hang in there sweetheart, as Tassie said, his true colors will soon show themselves, he will problable disappoint your son a few times, and then your son will see that it's mom that is always been there.


Sep 13 @ 6:49AM  

Sep 13 @ 9:30AM  
Hang in there Kit, you did the right thing by letting your son know his father. Yes, the man sounds like a monster, yes, his family is giving their side of events, but, like Tassie says, in time, true colors always come out. And, you know you son loves you, and once the newness of this wears off, he will realize he shouldn't have been so tough on you.

It's all new to him.

Sep 13 @ 9:41AM  
help to know how OLD your son is NOW.....

my guess is they fed him shit inside deep he WANTED to they WANTED n loved him BUT YOU kept them away..OTHERWISE he has to face that his dads a piece of shit you never mentioned but i'm betting you didnt talk bad about him...mine never did...till i was older...i had oppertunity to find mine BUT i'd been adopted and that man is my DAD..the other is a sperm doner and i realized in my 40's when i found him..i have NOTHING to say or ask again how old your son is might have SOME bearing plus he ANTISIPATED one thing and prob got something else.....

Sep 13 @ 9:52AM  
Kit, I can only tell you what happened with me and my ex was very abusive........his last act was to hold me and the kids hostage at daughter was 2 1/2 my son a year old..........after hours of the worse night of our lives he finally released my children and they figured he was planning to kill me and the sheriff sniper was getting a site on him when he finally surrendered...........he backed me out of the house with the gun to my head and when a police officer grabbed his arm and threw it up in the air it went off. I filed for divorce and for the first time in MN history they gave me a permanent restraining order in the divorce degree. I never went after him for child support even when he was released from prison because i was terrified he would kill us. I never once bad mouthed him in front of my kids............when they asked questions my answer was to tell them that when they grew up they would understand..........even when my 10 yr old daughter screamed at me she hated me and it was my fault her daddy didn't come see her............
When my son turned 14 he started asking questions about his dad.......I told him what happened but even thru that I didnt call his father names.........he finally asked to meet him and i allowed it..........and his father and grandmother lied about me son came home so angry asking me why i had done this and why i had done that ............for days he wouldn't speak to me and I was so crushed, and yet i still did not put his father down.............finally one day he came out to the kitchen table where I was sitting and sat down and looked at a calm voice he told me he wanted the truth and I gave it to him, the beatings i took, the broken bones, my jaw being wired shut twice, two pregnancies miscarried. I told him about the cheating he did, the fact that someone he thought was his cousin was really his half sister. I did not call my ex names but nor did I try to hide the truth anymore. I told him that if I had chosen to stay with his dad that I would be dead and more terrifying than that I felt that he would kill my son and daughter too. I told him i understood his anger and it hurt me that he would choose to believe their lies but there was nothing I could or would do to disprove them. He could take me on the trust and love we had always shown each other or he could believe them. I left it at that. I hurt so bad as the days went by and the weekend was coming up......he was suppose to see his dad again..........when it came his dad called to ask him what time he wanted to be picked up and my son told him.......I have heard both sides now, I choose to believe my mother because she has never lied to me........she has always been there for me, and because she is the one who made sure I had everything i ever needed. Although she could have went after you for child support out of fear she didn't, but you made the choice not to pay for anything for me or my sister, so the only option I have to believe now is that you only want to make trouble for my mom and it isn't happening. You were nothing more than a sperm donor to me..............and thats all you ever will be.

To this day he still talks to his father if he is looking for one of his sisters.......... but his father didnt come to his wedding and he didn't call his father when his son was point is........I made my choices and stood by them, when he was old enough to understand I explained to him what happened........i never once called his dad a rotten name to him (oh there were plenty behind the kids back.........hey i am only human) and than I gave him time to sort it all out...........I trusted him enough to know that our love was more than lies from people he had ever known could your son honey may take a while but he will figure it out on his own and come back to being your son..........

Sep 13 @ 2:53PM  
It's all been said. I can't say I handled it as well as most here did.. I did rant and rave and even told my kids that they needed to be very careful as far as he was concerned. Sadly, I lost two of them to him.. they're listening to me now.. finally.. too late.

So.. basically all I'm gonna give you is a big fat fluffy huggle and tell ya hang in there baby.

Sep 13 @ 3:54PM  
help to know how OLD your son is NOW.....
My son is currently 23-years-old. He'll be 24 in November.

Thanks for reading peeps. All the advice...and most importantly the support and hugs really warmed my heart.

Sep 13 @ 7:53PM  
my advice....ignore our advice, we dont know shit about shit....but feel our hugs and loves...

Sep 13 @ 7:56PM  
Kitkat, I'm sure you've heard the saying, "A leopard can't change its spots!" I realize us humans are a completely different species, but still, some can't change their spots. Your ex is one of these "animals"!
His family knows what kind of monster they have in their midst. But they will pull together with him for the sake of trying to bring your son into their fold. And it might work. In the beginning.
The more time your son spends with his sperm donor, I mean, father, the more the truth will come out. You probably won't have to say a thing against your ex to get your son to change his mind. But change it he will, once he sees the true nature of his dad.
Now on to your son's anger being directed at you.....All you can do is tell him the truth (which it sounds like you've done). But don't let him make you feel guilty, or goad you into anything. If he's rude to you, smack his beehind (like you would have when he was little and forgot his place!). Don't let him guilt you into believing you need to take the blame for anything- yeah, it takes two to tango, but when there's violence involved you have nothing to be sorry for! Don't let your son be too hateful to you. Remind him that he might say something he'll regret later, and to "keep a lid on it, sonny!"
I know this situation has to hurt. And I'm sorry for that. But hang in there, Kitkat. It will get better. Your ex will fuck up yet again, only this time it will be in front of your son and it will be your son's turn to sever all ties with him and his family!!!!!

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I Made the Right Decision…