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I need some unbiased opinions here...

posted 8/21/2010 7:14:26 AM |
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Tonight I met a really cool guy who contacted me a few days via a very popular dating site that I'm registered on. We met at a local 24 hour restaurant for coffee and to talk and get to know one another. He's nice-looking - at least I think so and we seem to have a lot in common and we seem to have a mutual attraction to one another. About halfway through our conversation, he asked me if I had gotten a text from him that had information that he wanted for me to know before meeting him. I told him that I didn't get the text and he started to tell me that he was attracted to my profile because I live a very clean lifestyle because I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. (I know - boring!) He proceeded to tell me that he was a former alcoholic and drug abuser, but has been living clean for quite some time. I was cool with that. THEN he tells me that he's been married SIX TIMES and he has SIX KIDS! I got a sinking pit in my stomach after he told me that. I've only been married once and I have only one child. Being that I'm 48 years old and have been through a bunch of crap with a lot of men who have come and gone in my life, I was pretty specific as to what I wanted in my profile - no multiply married men, no kids at home, no ex-wife hovering around, etc. I just wanted to meet a man who was in the same place in their life as I am who I could be happy with and to spend the rest of my life with - not a whole lot to ask, right? He told me that 4 out of the 6 are grown and on their own and he still had 2 little ones - the ones he had with the last wife. (These marriages and kids were a result of his drinking and drugging days.) He told me that the children live with him and I asked him who was taking care of them while he was out with me and he told me that their mother was watching them and that she rents a room from him. You can just imagine what I was thinking by that time - OMG!!! He said that what he revealed to me were huge deal breakers for a lot of women that he's met - well yeah and that they shied away from him just before they met or just after. He's not opposed to getting married again, but will be more cautious before taking the plunge for the 7th time. I like this man and he said that he has very little drama in his life and everything is cool with his youngest kids' mom. He's very interested in getting to know me better and I would like to get to know him too - I didn't have any bad, icky feelings when I met him initially or while I was talking to him, but when he laid all that heavy stuff on me, I wasn't sure what to think.

So, I ask you this - should I give him a chance? Like I said before, I really like this guy and he's easy to talk to and him being a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser doesn't bother me since he said that he would never go back to that, but being married/divorced so many times and him having so many kids kind of has me freaked out. I almost didn't give my deaf FWB a chance, but I'm so glad I did because he was the BEST lover I ever had. (He left for DC yesterday for 2 years to finish his computer science degree.) Maybe this man could be the same - someone that I'll be glad that I had given a chance - ???

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Aug 21 @ 7:30AM  
6 wives and 6 kids? Nah... that's just entirely too much for one person. 6 kids is one thing, there are alot of people out there who have a bunch of kids. It helps that 4 are grown and out on their own but to have had 6 wives? Personally, I wouldn't be interested. But that's up to you girl. And one of his ex's lives with him? That's strange...are you sure they are divorced? He could be living with and married to her still but just sleeping in different beds, alot of couples do that these days for one reason or another.
Me? Hellllllllllllllllllll no!!!!! He laid enough crap on you last night that would make me run far and fast!!!!!!! Seems like alot of women have "given him a chance" ... JMO though!

Good luck with your choice....

Aug 21 @ 7:34AM  
I think this guy was more honest than most- I mean at least he didn't wait until six or seven dates in to reveal his past, or not to reveal it all.
I think everyone deserves a chance (I think is probably why I get burned as much as I do). But if you're feeling he's OK and you want to give him a chance, what could it hurt?
The only thing I'd be a little leary of is the "drugging" part of his past. I'd make sure he shows some kind of "clean bill of health" (no diseases) before getting physical with him.
But why not? If you've got a good feeling (other than being freaked by his wild past), then go for it.
You can always call it quits in a couple more dates if the past is too much or it turns out he wasn't completely truthful with you.
Keep us posted!

Aug 21 @ 7:49AM  
tuff one kiddo...
to be honest with you , and this is coming from someone on their 2nd marriage, yes fair enough each relationship is differant, but ....someone considering a 7th marriage if he ain't got it right by now maybe he should just give it up as a bad idea.

my advice, at the end of the day, its your life and your decision but always go with your gut feeling and in this instance I'd go slow and see what happens. maybe he is on the level and is at least trying to be honest with you about his past. mind you, I'm a bit dubious about him still living with his ex, I don't even live in the same town as mine.
either way, I wish you happiness in what-ever you decide to do.just be careful.

Aug 21 @ 9:22AM  
Just based on what you told here, RUN, don't walk away from him!!!!
I dunno, something just don't seem kosher
But, if you really want to persue this, tell him you want to meet with this "ex" that "rents" a room from him. If the situation is as he described, he will have no problem with that. If he has excuses for not letting you meet her, well, you know the drill.....

Aug 21 @ 9:52AM  
I would be more concerned about his last wife "renting" a room from him than the number of times he has been married. I know from experience crap can happen that becomes a deal breaker when you are married to someone but to have an ex still living in your house does send up a red flag. I would get to know him if I really liked him but would proceed with caution. What is wrong with getting to know someone as a friend first and see where it goes from there instead of just jumping into a romantic situation? That way you can see the real person instead of the good front they might be putting up trying to impress a potential romantic partner. Also you might want to do some checking to make sure he is not a married man trying to get some on the side.

Aug 21 @ 10:00AM  
With my own track record, I'm surely not one to be the expert on relationships FWB or LTR. However, I will wish you luck whatever way you decide to go and caution you to be VERY careful! Might want to do a little subtle check to see if he has any problems with violence in the past. Recovering with 6 divorces.........that's pretty scary! Course for me the kids at home these days is a deal breaker! I love my son, I love my former step kids, but as they are all grown up and moved out now, the last think I want is the chance I might have to raise some more right now!
Good luck sweetie, be careful!

Aug 21 @ 10:07AM  
For me..., no small children is a deal breaker. Not because I don't like kids. I raised my 3 and am looking forward to being a grandfather. BUT.... at this point in my life, I am semi-retired and want to travel when I feel like and raising kids is a full time job.
Are you ready to raise 2 more kids for the next 15 - 18 years? (assuming his span of attention lasts that long?) Are you ok with having his most recent wife as a room mate for the foreseeable future?

Seriously, after one date, all you REALLY know about this guy is he's "nice looking." Everything else he's told you is ringing warning bells...... and that's just the first date. A relationship is work...... but not from the get go.
I'd, get going.

And to compare to your fwb, being deaf is not a choice. He sounds like a nice guy who happened to be deaf.
Drinking, drugging, 6 marriages, 6 kids...... you CHOOSE to do that stuff. Maybe he'll stay clean, maybe not..... but clean or high, wouldn't you think he'd have the last one moved out before he starts "shopping" for the next one?

RUN ! ! ! !

Aug 21 @ 10:22AM  
Sometimes the best things in life come as a suprise. You just never know until you try.

You say your more concerned about him being married multiple times, but you have to ask why. I won't go and say he was a bad person and always will be, but generally when someone is a "former" drug and alcohol abuser, that is why they were married and divorced so many times. It's a cycle that repeats itself, seemingly uncontrollably. The dry out, get off the sauce and dope, and wanna "straighten" their life up, so they find someone and marry them. Then when things aren't going just perfect, they return to their ole crutch, and prop themselves up on drugs and drink.

So again, I have no way of knowing this guy will continue his old patterns, as I have known some that just pure quit and never touched it again. But I have known a far greater majority that could not leave it alone. I'd say being married 6 times is an indication of repeat abuse.

That said, maybe what he needs is a friend that want just up and marry him, but will help him stay straight. I'd think sex with you has to be better than any drug.

Aug 21 @ 10:52AM  
Hey you don't have to marry anyone If you liked his company go and date him and see what happens from there. Like you said give the guy a chance no loss there. But if you don't then you'll always wonder. Or like I told my mom you don't have to marry each time you want sex lol good luck honey

Aug 21 @ 11:10AM  
I'm sure others will disagree with me but if it was me, I'd run the other way so fast I'd leave skid marks. You're only 48...lots of time to meet someone who doesn't have such a past as this guy.

He may have said he'd never go back to drugs and drinking but the odds are high that he will...are you willing to risk your future on his words alone?

I know this is "modern times" and his living arrangement isn't so out of the ordinary anymore but believe you sounds like something that could and likely would end up getting very sticky for a lot of reasons.

I don't know hun....I guess if you don't mind some (or a lot) of drama in your life then maybe you can make some kind of relationship with him but in my just won't work and if you wait too long you're gonna get hurt.

Aug 21 @ 11:11AM  
If you are set 100% on finding someone for a long term relationship and ONLY on finding someone for a long term relationship, then you should cut him off now. That is a really big "IF", but it is what you have listed on your profile.

Personally, I find life more meaningful to live life in terms of the journey and not the goal, and don;t question opportunities put in my path. I prefer to enrich my journey rather than attain a specific goal. That said, I would go for enriching my life and his by giving him a chance.

It depends on what you decide is you really want out of life.

Aug 21 @ 12:04PM  
hmmm.... that is a tough one, most indicatiors say you should run. But, if he is sincere and you do like him ... try just being friends for a time. You may find your answer that way. If he looking for just anouther quick lay ... he will be gone fast.
If he is sincere, he will try to prove what he says. Biggest red flag I see right now, is EX renting from him. I would want to see Divorce papers. I actually carried mine on a few dates (never showed, but on hand). Maybe a visit to his place, you can tell if indeed they are in seperate beds and so forth.

Aug 21 @ 4:10PM  
I Dont see this as being a tuff decision, thye guys ex lives with him, hes got six kids and six divorces......sounds like drama.


Aug 21 @ 5:11PM  
Ok so, let's do the math, he's got 4 kids who are grown and on their own.. that means over 18. Two kids under 18. Do we know which mothers had which children and how long he was married to each wife? That point is kinda moot cuz of his professed D&A abuse. Points he scores there? 1 he was honest about his kids.

what concerns me most is the "ex" still living in his home.. cuz that's the crap I got from my ex when we got together.. live and learn.. run. Points scored here? zip zero zilch.

Not saying he wouldn't be fun to hang with and whatever, but ... until he rectifies his living situation I'd give that one a pass.

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I need some unbiased opinions here...