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Here are some moldy jokes...

posted 6/25/2010 2:11:06 PM |
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  Wordsofwit

...but I haven't heard some of them for a while or seen them on here, so here you go via the ergo efficiency copy/paste. Some are funny, some have more than a grain of truth, some are snoozers, others are stale. Oh well, no biggie.

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
15. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
21. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
22. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
23. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
24. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
25. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
26. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
27. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
28. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
30. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
32. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
33. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
35. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
36. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
37. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
41. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
42. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
43. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
45. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
46. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
47. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
49. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
50. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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Comments:

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NightOfOld

Jun 25 @ 3:05PM  


Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.




Ain't it the truth.
Wordsofwit

Jun 25 @ 3:37PM  
I have a joke about that. But I can't find the damned thing in my archives, but it is funny. Check back, Chuck, I may rewrite it from memory. It is an old classic, but I haven't seen on here unless I posted it.
lunanegra

Jun 25 @ 4:23PM  
You mentioning about the lack of funny, fresh jokes has indeed become its own "meta-joke". Congrats, Bruce.
RJ53

Jun 25 @ 4:31PM  
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught

More like don't have the opportunity to be bad.
1bunny629

Jun 25 @ 4:38PM  
this shit is funny....so fine me....
1bunny629

Jun 25 @ 4:42PM  
There are very few men that I let fuck me...but now that I have counted...it is quite a few.... ...just trying to laugh cause I know work is going to be a cluster fuck tonight. Who books every party room we have when they book a wedding rehearsal dinner on the roof top and if it rains there will be no other place to put them...guess what...it's raining...hell...I didn;t do it...I am balming you, but it ain't your fault....on top of that...I am very horny...let's see how this works out.
sugarnspice005

Jun 25 @ 6:36PM  
11. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


42. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

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Here are some moldy jokes...