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The Art Of The Fart.

posted 6/11/2010 8:13:00 AM |
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  RevDocLove

I was first fascinated by the human FART one day in my math class. My teacher was finishing up his rather boring lecture on the Pythogorean theory. He was so enthralled with the topic that he totally ignored his body and at the end of the last statement gave a loud and raunchy smelling FART. ( I later found out that it was called an exlamation fart.)
The FART was so loud that the whole class withdrew towards the back of the room. I heard my friend jokingly say "What do you call that Mr.Moss!"

That was the statement that excited me in the Art of the Fart.I will always remember my first intentional fart. A French FART to be exact. As soon as my buttcheeks spread and I heard the wisp leave my posterior a sensation ran through my body, a feeling I will always remember, a triumph I will tell my children. The rest of the day I spent FARTING around (literally). I have done much research on the FART and have taken the time to write it down to better clasify the FART.
There are two types of FARTS I will refer to:

Class 1... Your Farts
Class 2... Somebody else's Farts

The ALARM FART:
This is a good fart for the beginner.It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnatural high note and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong and will usually get you alarmed. If it happens to you you will know right away because of the nervous feeling you will have

The AMPLIFIED FART:
This is any fart that gets it's power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time as will a tin drum, a cardboard box etc. These are common farts under the right conditions

The BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD:
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described by its name this can either be a group one or two. This fart is totally awe-inspiring. The first time I heard it was in a high school auditorium, right after the national anthem. After the fart the whole auditorium rose clapping.

The CROWD FART:
The crowd fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people turn look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and makes a coughing noise, or looks up to the ceiling as if something up there fascinates him. Very common in the supermarket.

The DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART:
Very simply any fart in church, temple, or any place of worship. For fart watchers who go to this is a must to watch for as this is the only place it can occur.

The ENGLISH FART:
A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from all other farts. There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent, but that is silly. When it comes to farting go around sounding like an Englishman. It happens or it doesn't. The sound it makes is a _THIP_. Sometimes it will go __THIP__THIP__. It is unmistakable. It is probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.

The EXCLAMATION FART:
This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or someone, must be speaking. For instance the speaker will say "Ah shut up!" and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true exclamation fart. If the speaker is also the farter he may delay it until just the right moment them force it for all he's worth (usually causing an unwanted load in his pants). Rare.

The EXECUTIVE FART:
A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key but otherwise a very business like fart. No nonsense about it! But no one is supposed to notice, particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either your afraid of the the person who farted or the
fart was just to gross. Common with very important people

The FRENCH FART:
Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key. Soft and musical with many half tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.

The STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART:
This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stirred up.

The POO-POO FART:
This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says "go poo-poo now" and somebody takes him and he does.

The S'CUSE ME FART:
This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.

I hope the above will help you to identify some common farts. Already farting is sweeping the nation and wouldnt you impress your friends if you can identify them. Soon there will be a special course in farting in most schools. Neighborhood fart watches will start to form! Before I go let me leave a bit of wisdom with you. Next time somebody asks you too pull their finger...think twice.

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theSkwirl

Jun 11 @ 2:37PM  
Yeah, I learned the don't pull the finger thingy early.

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The Art Of The Fart.