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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

posted 6/6/2010 1:10:27 PM |
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  RevDocLove

TheOnion
June 5, 2010 | ISSUE 46•22
If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the pledge of allegiance: one nation under God.

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not.

Despite what the mainstream media would like sources to believe, those interviewed said Tuesday that, unless they missed something while they were sleeping, the United States of America had not turned overnight into some communist-type nation that didn't care about ideals like freedom, liberty, or democracy anymore.

"I've never been very good at geography, but I'm pretty sure this isn't China we're supposed to be living in," Denver resident Jim Sanborn said. "At least, I didn't see any tanks rolling down the street last time I looked out my window."

"Nope," added Sanborn, pulling back the curtain of his kitchen window. "Sure doesn't look like Beijing to me."

The fifth largest and single greatest country in the world, the United States of America was founded in 1776 when our founding forefathers—who sources claimed were turning over in their goddamn graves right now—signed the Declaration of Independence.

The Bill of Rights was ratified 13 years later, guaranteeing each citizen freedom, the cost of which is reportedly not free.

"You know, I seem to recall a whole lot of our young men dying so that we could have these many liberties we enjoy," Rebecca Treeman, a Miami-area mother of four, told reporters. "So excuse me if I don't jump with joy every time I see someone trashing the red, white, and blue."

Treeman went on to explain that these colors, which make up the American flag, do not run.

A survey conducted by Rasmussen Reports bolstered sources' claims that more and more people don't seem to know that this was founded as a Christian nation, and that a majority of them that don't would be better off packing up and moving some place where they don't believe in things like the Bible.

Eighty-three percent of those polled said the United States is not some backwards socialist haven; 64 percent believed that the United States was not France or Sweden or some godforsaken place like Iraq; 29 percent said the government had no business getting involved; and 14 percent said that America was still America and would stay that way if they had anything to do with it.

Sources admitted that new policies introduced by you-know-who in the White House had given some the impression that America was a big old cash machine that liked to give handouts to any illegal immigrant who wandered across the border. But, they asserted, a close examination of the population at large reveals that, yup, we still speak a language called English around here.

"I respect people of all races and colors," said contractor Dave Altschul of Santa Fe, NM. "But hardworking Americans are losing their jobs every day. I don't know about you, but I'd rather celebrate the Fourth of July than Cinco de Mayo."

"Last time I read the Constitution, it didn't say anything about Mexico," Altschul added.

Upon hearing that New York's redevelopment plans for the site of its 9/11 attack may include a 13-story mosque, a number of sources said they were confused by this fact, and asked reporters why they didn't get the memo that all 300 million Americans had converted to Islam all of a sudden.

Sources also confirmed USA! USA! USA! USA!

"In the final analysis, it is the diversity of people and ideas that makes our nation great," sociologist Rick Harper of Georgetown University said. "However, just because people have the right to say that doesn't mean that they should.

This is America. Love it or leave it."

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Comments:

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JsGirl69

Jun 6 @ 1:27PM  
Amen
RJ53

Jun 6 @ 1:41PM  
Actually I can think of one time the government overreacted and there were tanks rolling down the street with guns pointed at some of its citizens. But what do you expect, it was Nixon who did that. The tanks were followed by the press from around the world and there you had peaceful demonstrators holed up in a church on the rez, government troops and tanks surrounding them and news media surrounding the military. It made for a very strange moment in time.
JsGirl69

Jun 6 @ 2:01PM  
America seems to quite often pull things most Americans assume go on only in other countries.........Idk about Waco & other standoffs....but I was @ Ruby Ridge....well...in the driveway anyway,& there were many blatant lies about what was happening..
However,I am an Arizona Girl......one that is VERY irritated w/the illegal aliens sneaking into my stables to shower(water that I pay for),stealing my chickens & firewood,pissing on my fence & giving my daughter & I lecherous,damn near threatening looks when we run in the morning......
The keyword in illegal alien is illegal.......
theSkwirl

Jun 6 @ 8:19PM  
I think that it's about time for the citizens to stand up and be counted. Vote no on everyone and everything, peacefully protest the removal of our freedoms (in our best interests), Guard our own borders and stop worrying about the borders of the rest of the world. Ain't about to happen .. but I think it's about time.

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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America