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FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT DRINKING AND DRUGS

posted 6/4/2010 8:24:06 AM |
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"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign). DUH !!

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato.

"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
Catherine Zandonella.

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
David Daye.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry.

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."
Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.

"I drink to make other people interesting."
George Jean Nathan.

"They who drink beer will think beer."
Washington Irving.

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls).

"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
Noel Coward.

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
Dave Barry.

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
Mark Twain

"I drink therefore I am."
WC Fields.

"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
Dylan Thomas.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson.

"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
NF Simpson.

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henry Youngman.

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
Robin Williams.

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."
Fred Allen.

"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."
Dean Martin.

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
Robert Benchley.

"He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."
Mike Harding.

"I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine."
HL Mencken.

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
George Burns.

"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
Mick Miller.

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.

"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
Will Rogers.

"Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."
Christopher Howse.

"I am a drinker with writing problems."
Brendan Behan.

"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
Denis Leary

"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
George best.

"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
Bill Hicks.

"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."
Mark Twain

"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
Diogenes.

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
WC Fields.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Dean Martin.

"The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
Arthur Lewis.

"A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle."
Jonathan Swift.

"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."
Homer Simpson.

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Comments:

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shyguy140

online now!
Jun 4 @ 8:34AM  
Some of these I have heard before, and some are new to me.
JsGirl69

Jun 4 @ 9:15AM  
Thank you for the morning chuckle.....Ive learned to SIP my coffee when logging into here.........
dmbchick420

Jun 4 @ 9:36AM  
"Marijuana is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Me (because pot comes from the earth - beer is made by man)

NightOfOld

Jun 4 @ 11:15AM  

I'll go along with shyguy on this. But they're good.
theSkwirl

Jun 4 @ 3:07PM  
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.

I'm sick of reality.. someone pass something good this direction.
StraddleMyNose

Jun 4 @ 4:11PM  

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FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT DRINKING AND DRUGS