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The Onion's Version-Horoscope

posted 5/29/2010 3:21:29 PM |
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tagged: fuck, funny, sunshine
  Sunshine79

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you'll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.

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Blogs by Sunshine79:
R.I.P. George Steinbrenner
Coffee-COFFEE-Coffee!
3 Nuns
LAME
Piss Hard Ons
Here Comes The Ice Cream Truck!!!
Like We Need Instructions???
Why Florida Is Blazing Effin' Hot! (Sunshine's Theory)
Where You From???
Birthday Numerology (Is It Right?)
Sunshine Rant
A Tad Too Much
The Onion's Version-Horoscope
I Like Monkeys
Blast From The Past Messages
Should Teachers Have To Speak PERFECT English??
Cat Vs. Dog (Men Vs. Women)
A Brunette, A Redhead & A Blonde......
It's Friday......
Uniforms In Public Schools
Condoms To Cream
Kids & Public Restrooms
NOT So True Story (Will Make Ya Smile)***EDITED***
Fuck You
Man Cleared Of Weighing Penis On Produce Scale, LOL


Comments:

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soft_touch938

online now!
May 29 @ 3:54PM  
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.

Oh gaud Oh gaud....I wanna say it so bad. That sounds just like....no! I can't say it...I will be nice I will be nice I will be nice....OMG....this is so hard......

B9CC1D

May 29 @ 4:02PM  
Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.

Who knew you couldn't do that with catholic school girls and a goat?
casuallylooking

May 29 @ 5:25PM  
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
The police officers even brought their handcuffs......ooohh, I must have ben soo good, umm I mean bad. Yeah bad, that's what I meant....

sugarnspice005

May 29 @ 6:54PM  
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory

Ain't no way I'm trying that!
LilGriz

May 30 @ 9:05AM  
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.

Hmmmm I had them people sooo confused they didnt know who was the wacky one and who was the Psych ...
casuallylooking

May 30 @ 11:22AM  
Strangely I could see that happening...^^^^
BTW, Did I mention that I love him anyways?

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The Onion's Version-Horoscope