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Signs You Had A Bad First Date

posted 5/29/2010 7:57:10 AM |
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# Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
# You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
# She has a thicker moustache than you.
# When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
# Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
# You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
# You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
# At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
# She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
# You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
# At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
# You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
# She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
# She is better hung than you.
# She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

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May 29 @ 9:38AM  
# She is better hung than you

May 29 @ 2:31PM  
# She refers to her missing fingers as "another oops".
# She has so few teeth she could get a job as a hole punch.
# Her idea of "making you dinner" starts with "goin' to them woods out back."
# She is the daughter of Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, or Martha Stewart.
# You need more than two hands worth of fingers to count her offspring.
# She starts the evening by asking: "Are you okay with blood?"
# She puts out on your first date...but not with you.
# Her collection of toenails is the largest in the state.
# She forgets your name more than five times.
# She tells you she just got her diploma from fourth grade.
# She constantly refers to cauliflower as "The Other White Meat."
# Those aren't her hands on your leg.
# She looks into the sky, says "My signal!" then dons a cape and skips off down the street.
# Her name is Lurlene or Bouquashaniqua. Either one.

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Signs You Had A Bad First Date